The Witch-Bang Theory
by JBean210
Summary: Penny meets her grandfather Maurice and learns she's a witch. How will she handle her new-found abilities and relatives? How can Leonard help her cope with them? And what will this mean for the future of their engagement and their relationship? A Big Bang Theory / Bewitched (Classic TV series) crossover. Uncrossed for now so more BBT fans will see it.
1. The Revelation Hypothesis

.

**Episode One**  
><strong>The Revelation Hypothesis<strong>

_Published_ 10/3/2014

=ooo=

Leonard and Penny had decided to conduct an experiment in her apartment. Leonard had arrived earlier with spaghetti, sauce, a loaf of garlic bread and a bottle of sauvignon blanc, prepared dinner, then set a timer to see how long it would be before Sheldon came over to: A, complain that Leonard should be cooking dinner for _him_, not Penny; B, explain that spaghetti was much better eaten with hot dogs cut up in it than just with sauce; and C, invite himself to dinner because he was hungry and couldn't cook for himself because he was too busy and important for such menial work. That, of course, would lead to D: since he was eating with them anyway, could Leonard go pick up some hot dogs for the spaghetti?

So far, twenty minutes into the experiment, no Sheldon had yet appeared.

"How is the spaghetti, by the way?" Leonard asked.

"It's good," Penny nodded, taking another bite. "Almost as good as mine."

Leonard smiled at Penny's joke. She _never_ cooked the spaghetti right. "Almost," he agreed with her, trying to keep the sarcasm out of his voice.

"The garlic bread is good, too," Penny added, taking another slice.

"I'm glad to hear that," Leonard said. "Because I wanted to try something new this time," he added. "You know, because I _am_ an experimental physicist, after all, and this _is_ an experiment—"

"Yes, sweetie, I get it," Penny said, holding up a hand to forestall more explanation. "It's wonderful. In fact, everything is wonderful now." Since their engagement in May, Leonard had gone all-out to impress her with his homemaking and cooking skills. Her apartment was now the cleanest it had ever been, with none of her blouses or panties strewn about the floor. The carpet was vacuumed, the drapes were washed and cleaned, and every surface in the room was dusted and polished until the place practically glowed.

Now Penny understood what Sheldon meant when he said he was in hell.

"I'm glad you're happy," Leonard beamed at her.

"I am," she agreed. "I really am," she added trying to convince herself. She attacked her spaghetti once again. "Now I know how you feel, living with Sheldon," she said.

"Well, good," Leonard said. He processed that for a moment, then frowned. "What—what does that mean, exactly?" he asked, uncertainly.

"Oh, I don't know," she shrugged. "It's just a little, well—overwhelming."

"Overwhelming?" he looked confused and a bit hurt. "What's overwhelming?" He looked around the room. "Everything is so—_neat_, now."

Penny's eyes narrowed. "Are you saying my apartment was messy before?"

"Well, no," Leonard blurted out quickly. Then, "but, well, yeah. Cluttered, really, but not dirty _per se_," he added, as her expression turned stony. "It had—personality," he continued, hoping that would mollify her.

It seemed to work. "Well," she said, looking around the room. "It _does_ look nice now." She gave a short laugh. "If only my mother could see this. She used to complain about my room all the time."

"So did mine," Leonard commiserated. "She would go through it every week and throw out anything that wasn't put away in a drawer, a shelf or hung up correctly in my closet."

"Yeah, your mom is a trip," Penny agreed. "What did she say when you told her we were engaged?"

Leonard looked embarrassed. "Um," he said.

"You _still_ haven't told her? Leonard, why _not_?"

"Well," Leonard explained, in a very quiet voice. "I know Sheldon is looking forward to telling her when she gets back from her European book tour."

Penny shook her head and took another bite of spaghetti. "I'm surprised Amy's not jealous about _that_," she said. "The _other woman_ in Sheldon's life. Besides his mom and me, that is."

"Well," Leonard confided, "Amy did make him write an addendum to their Relationship Agreement stipulating that he would not engage in more than three email exchanges with her per week, or contact her by Skype more than six times per month, or seven times in months with 31 days, without clearing it with Amy first."

"Well, good for her," Penny said again, taking a sip of her sauvignon blanc. "You know how those unmarried older women can be with younger men."

Leonard was smiling now. "Yeah," he agreed. "My mother the cougar."

Both of them chuckled. "And, you know," Leonard mused. "I'm not sure if Sheldon ever finished that book on sex we got him. He did say it gave him nightmares."

"According to Amy he hasn't finished it yet," Penny supplied. "She told me he said it was an example of —" she paused to remember his exact words—"'the kind of hippy-dippy free love nonsense that is ruining our country and our educational system.'"

"That sounds about right," Leonard agreed, grinning. Seeing she was finished eating, he stood and took their plates to the kitchen sink. "I'll wash the dishes then we can watch that DVD you rented. I've wanted to see 'The Notebook' for a long time." He turned away and added under his breath, "Even though you hardly even _see_ a notebook during the entire movie…"

"What?" Penny asked, from the table.

"Nothing."

There was a _knock-knock-knock_ at the door. Both Leonard and Penny looked at it, then at each other. "Who could that be?" Leonard asked.

"Well, it's not Sheldon," Penny pointed out, walking toward the door. "It's six knocks and three 'Penny's too short to be him."

Opening the door, she found a dapper older man standing there, dressed in a formal black cut-away coat, a sweeping black cape with red lining on his shoulders. He had on a white bow tie and gloves and a black top had, and was holding a gold-tipped black cane. "Good evening, my dear," he said, removing his top hat and bowing with a flourish. "Do I have the honor of addressing Miss Penny?"

"Um, yeah," Penny said, taken aback by the man's appearance. "Sorry, we don't need any tickets to the opera tonight," she quipped.

"Ah," the gentleman smiled at her humor. "Quite droll, my dear. I'm acquainted with your father, Wyatt. I would like to speak with you about a matter that concerns the two of you. May I come in?"

"Um, sure," Penny said, letting him inside.

The gentleman, who appeared to be in his late fifties or early sixties, glanced around the apartment. "Very … _quaint_ living arrangements, my dear," he said, removing his gloves and dropping them in his top hat, as Leonard walked over to stand next to Penny. "And who might this young fellow be?"

"This is Leonard Hofstadter," Penny said, introducing him. "He's my fiancé."

The older gentleman regarded Leonard appraisingly. "You are to be married?" he asked, his eyes narrowing much like Penny's did when she wasn't pleased.

"Um, yes—yes, sir," Leonard said, taking an unconscious step back.

"Well, congratulations," the man said, taking Leonard's hand and shaking it.

"Thank you, sir," Leonard said, relieved by his reaction.

"Please excuse my manners," the man continued, still shaking Leonard's hand. "My name is Maurice. I am Penny's grandfather, and Wyatt's father."

"Oh my God!" Penny exclaimed, completely surprised. She hugged the older man excitedly. "Daddy never told us you were still alive!"

Maurice returned the hug, then held her at arm's length. "It has been quite some time since your father and I have spoken, Penny," he said. "When I learned that he had married and raised children, I wanted to meet the three of you."

"Well, my sister and brother are back in Nebraska," Penny explained. "My sister is married and has two boys, and my brother is—well, he's sort of working for the state right now."

Maurice looked puzzled. "A job in government?" he asked.

"More like, in jail," she said, embarrassed.

"I see," Maurice said. He gestured toward the couch. "Do you mind if we sit down? I'd like to talk to you about your father. I have some things to tell you about him."

Penny looked concerned at this. "Is anything wrong, sir?" Leonard asked. "Did something happen to Wyatt?"

"Nothing has happened," Maurice assured them. "Please," he said, gesturing to the couch again. Penny and Leonard both sat, looking intrigued.

Maurice sat down next to them, still holding his cane. "I must apologize for taking so long to find you, my dear," he told Penny. "I have been abroad for some time, and I do like to know how well the members of my family are faring in life."

"Well, so far no problems," Penny said. "I'm engaged to Leonard and everything's wonderful. Unless," she added sardonically, "you count the ten years I spent in a dead-end job getting minimum wage, trying to become an actress but getting nowhere…"

"I see," Maurice nodded sympathetically. "I understand the trials and tribulations of acting, my dear. I myself am an actor of some repute," he said proudly.

"Really?" Penny perked up immediately. "What have you done? Would I have seen you in something?"

"No, my dear," Maurice smiled. "It would have been before your time, I fear. Most of my acting has been in the theatre. I have done Hamlet, Macbeth, Richard the Second, Petruchio from _Taming of the Shrew_, Prospero —" he stood suddenly, raising one hand dramatically as if holding a skull. "Alas, poor Yorick!" he cried. "I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy: he hath —" Maurice abruptly stopped and sat down again. "But, I digress," he apologized. "Back to the matter at hand.

"There is something I must tell you," Maurice said, and it was evident he did not wish to speak of it. "When your grandmother had Wyatt, I was not married to her."

"I see," Penny said, then shrugged. "Well, that's not so unusual, is it?"

"It was at the time," Maurice told her. "Even more so for the fact that … I _was_ married … to another woman."

"Oh," both Penny and Leonard said at the same time.

"I am not particularly proud of it," Maurice continued. "My wife and I have a somewhat, shall we say, _open_ relationship, but we had agreed that our one daughter together would be all the children we would have. Wyatt's mother, however, had different plans. I did not learn of his existence until after she had borne him."

Penny nodded knowingly. "My sister did that with her husband. He didn't know she was pregnant until she went into labor. She got off her job at Denny's and when he picked her up she said, 'We're going to the hospital, honey, I've got a baby to deliver!' Surprised the crap out of him! Of course, to be fair, they'd only been married four months at the time."

There was a brief silence.

"In any event," Maurice continued, ignoring Penny's remarks, "my wife and I have since reconciled our differences, and Wyatt's mother and I have managed to look beyond his disability and accept him gladly as our son."

"Wait a minute," Penny held up her hands. "What disability? My father is the healthiest old guy I know! I've never seen him sick a day in his life."

"He never shared the details of his birth with you?" Maurice asked. "Strange, I would have thought—but perhaps he did not wish to burden you…"

"Burden us?" Penny's voice was going shrill. "What's wrong with him?" She started to look panicked. "Does he have some kind of incurable disease he passed on to us?"

"No, no, my dear," Maurice reassured her. "Nothing of that sort. Wyatt's disability is known as Latent Magic Syndrome."

There was another silence, somewhat longer this time.

"I'm sorry," Leonard leaned forward to make sure he'd heard correctly. "Could—could you repeat that, please? Latent _What_ Syndrome?"

"Latent Magic Syndrome," Maurice repeated patiently. "A condition where the patient's magic does not develop fully, or at all in some cases. In the case of your father," he said to Penny, "his magic had not developed at all by the time he was three. His mother Elvira and I were heartbroken, of course."

"Hold on," Penny said abruptly. "What are you trying to tell us here? That my father is some kind of _Squib_, like in those Harry Potter stories?" She looked at Leonard. "'Squib' is the right word, isn't it?"

"Yes, very good!" he nodded at her.

"No, my dear, not at all like those stories," Maurice said, severely. "Those are mere flights of fancy, old mortals' tales about witches and warlocks. They have nothing to do with how we _really_ are."

"What is what, exactly?" Penny asked, both curious and doubtful.

"Witches and warlocks have existed for millennia," Maurice explained. "For countless generations we lived in a realm that existed alongside your mortal plane, but was separate from it. One day, thousands of years ago, some of us ventured into your realm to see what it was like. There we discovered your ancestors, living in crude huts and toiling in the dirt for food. Many of us returned to the comfort of our own realm, but a few remained behind to help the poor mortals improve their lot in life.

"How did they do that, exactly?" Leonard asked, curious.

"Well, once we learned that mortals could not do magic," Maurice said. "We started teaching them other things. We gave them language and writing, for example, though some mortals took it upon themselves to try and improve on our methods." He shook his head sadly. "A trifle misguided, though I admit I do prefer using English to, say, Sumerian. Especially in the theatre."

"That's pretty amazing," Leonard said, sounding awed.

"That's pretty unbelievable," Penny said, giving both him and Maurice a cynical look. "Leonard, are you really buying this crap?"

"What?" Leonard looked surprised.

"You don't believe me, my dear?" Maurice asked, looking disappointed.

Penny shook her head. "You're a pretty good actor, I'll say that. But this is starting to feel like one of Sheldon's bazookas, or whatever he says."

"Oh." Leonard looked surprised, then nodded. "You could be right." He looked apologetically at Maurice. "I'm sorry sir, but I'm not buying it either."

Maurice looked affronted. "I assure you it is entirely true," he said indignantly. "Look, I have Wyatt's birth certificate right here, for proof." He reached into his coat pocket and took out a scroll of parchment. The scroll rolled open as he handed it to Penny. She and Leonard looked at it:

* * *

><p><strong>The Witches Council<strong>  
><strong>Certificate of Birth<strong>

This is to certify that the Warlock

_Wyatt_

Was born to  
>the Warlock <em>Maurice<br>_and  
>the Witch <em>Elvira<em>

this eighth day of August, 1862 A.D.  
>in the state of New York<br>in the country of the United States of America  
>in the Mortal Realm<p>

Witnessed this day by _Hepzibah_ Head of the Witches Council

* * *

><p>"Born in 1862?" Penny said, staring at her father's supposed birth date. "Funny—he doesn't look a day over 100." She handed to parchment back to Maurice. "You can get something like this in any joke shop in town."<p>

"I see." Maurice's voice was hard. "I shall have to give you a more concrete example." He slipped the parchment back into his coat then held out his empty hand. It was suddenly filled with a bouquet of flowers. "Hold out your hand," he said to Penny. When she did, the flowers floated through the air from his hand to hers.

"Not a bad trick," Penny said in a bored tone. "Howard could probably a better one, though," she added. "I'm still not convinced."

Maurice's expression had grown cold as ice. "You wound me deeply, my dear. I have taken the time and effort to travel here to see you, and yet you do not believe me. I see that drastic measures are called for." Maurice rose from the couch. "Stand up."

"What for?" Penny asked, not moving.

"I see I shall have to prove to the two of you who and what I am," Maurice said. "Stand, both of you."

"What—what are you going to do —" Leonard began.

"_Stand_," Maurice ordered, stamping his cane on the floor. Outside, lightning flashed and thundered rumbled through the sky.

"Yes, sir." Both Leonard and Penny leapt to their feet. "Please don't hurt us," Leonard said quickly.

"I have no intention of hurting either of you," Maurice said, stiffly. He retrieved his top hat, putting on his gloves and setting the hat back on his head. "Now, if one of you would name some place far from here that you've visited."

"Well," Penny thought for a few moments. "Leonard had to go to Arizona to get his friend Sheldon a few weeks ago."

"Kingman, Arizona," Leonard amplified. "The police department. All of his things had been stolen."

"An interesting choice," Maurice said. "But I think we need someplace a bit more conspicuous. Let me think…" He considered a moment. "Ah! I have it! The Grand Canyon is just the ticket!"

"The ticket for —" Leonard asked, as Maurice stamped his cane on the floor.

"— what?" Leonard and Penny looked around. They were suddenly no longer in her apartment, but standing on a walkway overlooking—

The Grand Canyon.

"Whoa," Penny gasped, looking out over the Canyon, bathed in the reddish glow of the setting sun. "Leonard…" she pointed toward the canyon.

"Uh, oh… my," Leonard said, following her finger. "How—how'd we get here?" he asked Maurice.

"I brought us here with my powers," Maurice said, gesturing with his cane toward the Canyon view. "Now, smile and say, 'cheese,'" he said, holding up his hands in a framing gesture.

"Huh?" Leonard said. There was a flash and both he and Penny blinked stars out of their eyes. When they were able to focus again Maurice handed them a photo of them standing in front of the Grand Canyon. Penny was smiling but Leonard had a look of complete confusion on his face.

"Now do you believe me?" Maurice asked.

Penny stared at the picture. She turned around, comparing the view in the photo to the view behind them. They were the same. "I believe you," she said, convinced. "It seems impossible, but we're here. I can see the Grand Canyon. I can feel the sidewalk we're standing on. I don't know how, but we're here. This is amazing!" she said excitedly. "What else can you do?"

Maurice tapped his cane again and they were back in Penny's apartment.

"So why are you showing us all this?" Penny wanted to know.

"Well, think about it," Leonard said. There was an eager look in his eyes. "If Maurice here is your grandfather, and he's a warlock, then it's possible you're a witch!"

"Is that true?" Penny asked Maurice, who nodded and smiled. "Okay, so why haven't I ever been able to do any hocus-pocus stuff like you can?"

"I'm afraid your father's condition may have affected your magical ability," Maurice said, with serious concern. "Latent Magic Syndrome can be passed on, though it becomes more and more recessive in successive generations.

"When your father was tested for magic," Maurice continued, "His magical abilities were almost nonexistent. Our physician, Dr. Bombay, prescribed a potion that could have cured the condition, but alas, it did not work," he concluded sadly. "The Witches Council decreed that he would be removed from our realm, to live with mortals."

"That's terrible!" Leonard said, shocked.

"Indeed," Maurice agreed. "His mother chose to leave with him, to make sure he was raised properly in your primitive society. There was one side effect from the treatment, however. After Wyatt reached adulthood, he began to age much more slowly than other mortals. That is why, though he appears to be about 50 years of age to you, he is actually 142 years old."

"I wonder why Daddy never told us any of this?" Penny wondered. "That's not like him."

"He was too young to understand when he was taken away," Maurice explained. "However, when he turned 18, I paid him and his mother a visit, to make sure he knew about his warlock heritage."

"Really? What did he say?" Penny asked.

"He was … not happy about it," Maurice said. Unconsciously he touched his chin where the boy had used his fist to express his displeasure to his father.

"Now _that_ sounds like my dad," Penny nodded.

"I had Dr. Bombay examine him again, to see if adolescence had brought about any changes in his physiology that might change the nature of his disability," Maurice went on, "But his magic was still suppressed too deeply to be awakened. And it was years before he noticed he was aging more slowly than other mortals. He began moving to different parts of the country every 20 or 30 years, to keep from attracting attention, until he met your mother in Nebraska in the 1970s. Until then he had remained unmarried and childless, keeping the secret of his birth to himself. I do not even know if he has told his wife, your mother, about it."

"Yeah," Penny mused. "I doubt it. Mom always told us there was something wrong with him, but I'll bet she never guessed he was a failed wizard."

"Warlock," Maurice corrected her. "And he did not _fail_, my dear. The disabled cannot help their disabilities.

"However, after I discovered my son had married and had children," Maurice went on, "I took it upon myself to determine whether any of his progeny —"

"His what?" Penny interrupted.

"His children," Leonard supplied. "Progeny means children."

"Oh," Penny said. "Okay. Go on."

"—whether any of his progeny had any latent magical abilities of their own," Maurice said. "There has been much progress in the treatment of LMS in the past 150 years.

"Unfortunately, neither your brother nor your sister had any latent magical ability that could be awakened," Maurice said, sadly. "Thus, I have come at last to you, my dear Penny."

Penny sat back as she realized what Maurice was asking. "You—you want to test me for magical ability?" she said, shocked. She shook her head. "I—I don't know about that. I have to think."

Maurice looked at her in surprise. "What is there to think about?" he asked. "Having powers like ours would be of great benefit to you! You could go anywhere you wanted, do anything you wanted to do! You could be a world-renowned actress! Is that not something you have always desired?"

"Well, yes…" Penny admitted, slowly.

"I agree," Leonard interjected. "It's something you really need to think about," he said firmly, already imagining her leaving him the moment she realized she could have and do things he could never give to her.

"Leonard," she said, turning to him. "You know I love you," she said, smiling. "I know it took me a long time to say that, a very long time—"

"Very, _very_ long," Leonard added. "_Extremely_ long—"

"We get it," she cut him off sharply. Her voice softened again. "But I can say it now, and I will always be able to say it. I can't imagine being without you." She embraced him, and Leonard tried to stifle a small sniffle.

"How touching," Maurice said, though there was condescension in his voice. Why did the women in his family always have to get mixed up with mortals?

Penny and Leonard had finished their embrace and she was looking at Maurice again. "What happens if I say no?"

"No?" Maurice looked discomfited. "If you chose to remain a mortal, I would remove myself from your life forever. You would not even remember that I existed."

Penny had an unpleasant thought. "You said my brother and sister weren't magical—is that what you did to them, too?"

Maurice nodded. "They gave their permission for the test," he told her. "But they remember nothing now, not even that I ever spoke to them."

"That seems pretty crappy of you," Penny said, getting upset.

"Maybe it's for the best," Leonard added. "A lot of times in science fiction, when people find out they missed out on opportunities like that, it turns out really bad for—" he shut up when Penny glared at him. "But—those were just stories, I guess."

"And what about my father?" Penny went on, getting even more worked up. "Does _he_ know they were tested? Does he know you want to test _me_?"

"I have not talked to him yet," Maurice admitted. "I wanted to wait until all of your results were in before I gave him the news."

"Well I don't appreciate being treated like a guinea pig!" Penny said hotly. "You can't just come in here and tell me this stuff and expect me to just go along with anything you say!"

Maurice sighed. "My dear, you are overwrought." He put his top hat back on. "I will return tomorrow evening around—" he took a gold pocket watch from his vest "—eight p.m., to receive your final answer regarding the test. If you say yes, I will have Dr. Bombay administer the treatment and examine you to see if it is effective. If not, I will disappear and you will never see nor hear from me again." He took her hand gently in his and kissed her knuckles. "Until tomorrow, _au revoir_." Maurice vanished, and lightning and thunder crashed outside as a strong wind whirled inside the apartment, though all the windows were shut, leaving Leonard and Penny surprised and disheveled.

"Well, that's something you don't see every day," Leonard finally said.

"You don't think I was wrong, do you?" Penny asked, tossing her head so her hair settled down. "I mean, he was clearly out of line!"

"Of-of-of course," Leonard agreed, straightening his own hair. "_Clearly_."

Penny saw through that immediately. "You agree with him, then?"

"I'm just saying," Leonard said carefully. "People don't handle unexpected shocks like that very well. Remember the flashy pen-things in _Men in Black_?"

"Neuralyzers," Penny supplied.

"You remembered the name," Leonard beamed. "I'm impressed! They used them on people so they wouldn't be freaked out by learning that aliens walked the Earth."

"Yeah, I get it, Leonard," Penny said flatly. "So what do _you_ think? Do you think I should take the test or not?"

"Well…" Leonard rubbed his head, trying to figure out what to say that wouldn't piss Penny off. "I think that…"

He was interrupted by three loud _knocks_ on the door. "Leonard and Penny!" Sheldon's voice came excitedly through the door, repeated two more times as Penny walked to the door and opened it on the third "Leonard and Penny!"

"What is it, Sheldon?" Penny asked. Sheldon was wearing an air raid helmet and orange safety coordinator vest, and carrying a flashlight in one hand. In the other hand he held an air raid horn. He looked extremely upset.

"Are you two all right?" he asked anxiously. "I thought that sudden burst of lightning and thunder might have frightened you!"

"We're fine, Sheldon," Penny said.

"How are you doing, buddy?" Leonard asked, seeing how nervous Sheldon was. "Everything okay?"

Sheldon gave him an odd look. "Well of course I'm okay," he said. "How else would I be?"

"I just wondered, because of, you know, all the safety equipment you're wearing."

"Well I wouldn't be much of a safety coordinator for this floor if I wasn't dressed properly to do my job," Sheldon said, importantly, waving the flashlight and horn around as he spoke. "Really, Leonard, you have no idea of how much training goes into handling these things properly. This is the reason why we need to keep on having quarterly drills, so that you will know the proper protocols in case of—" His finger accidentally tightened on the air horn and it blasted a klaxon sound across Penny's apartment.

"Oh dear," Sheldon said, startled, and fainted.

"Well, so much for Mr. Storm Alert," Penny said, looking at Sheldon.

"Help me get him back into our apartment before he wakes up," Leonard said. "You take his feet," he said, pointing to Sheldon's legs.

"Why do I get this end?" Penny objected.

"Because this end bites," Leonard said, as they each grabbed a handful of Sheldon and dragged him out of the apartment.

=ooo=

_Our whole universe was in a hot dense state,  
>Then nearly fourteen billion years ago expansion started—Wait!<br>The Earth began to cool,  
>The autotrophs began to drool,<br>Neanderthals developed tools,  
>We built a wall (we built the pyramids),<br>Math, science, history, unraveling the mysteries,  
>That all started with the big bang!<br>_- Lyrics from the Big Bang Theory theme song

=ooo=

The next morning in Sheldon and Leonard's apartment, Penny had come over to have a bagel before she left for her new job as a pharmaceutical representative at Bernadette's company. Her boss Dan was really helping her get acclimated to her new job responsibilities and training.

"Thanks," she said as Leonard handed her a toasted bagel covered in cream cheese. "So, we never finished talking about things last night. What do you think I should do?"

"Um, I don't know," Leonard said, pouring himself some coffee in a travel mug for his drive to Caltech. "I was actually kind of hoping I'd wake up this morning and it would all be a dream. Then I saw this." He held up the photo of him and Penny at the Grand Canyon. "What do you want to do?"

"I was thinking of talking to Amy and Bernadette about it at lunch," Penny mused.

"Oh. Um," Leonard paused, looking worried. "I don't know if that's a good idea," he said. "They might not believe you."

"But we've got this," Penny said, picking up the photo.

"That could be photoshopped," Leonard pointed out.

"Well, I've got to figure out _something_ before tonight!" Penny snapped.

"Ah, well—okay," Leonard said, thinking fast. "What about this: you talk to Bernadette and Amy today, but don't say anything about last night. Just present your question as a general hypothesis, like 'if you got superpowers, what would you do with them?'"

"Really?" Penny looked at him, unimpressed with his suggestion. "You think that's the sort of things we talk about when we're together?"

"Well I don't know," Leonard admitted. "Actually I try not to think too much about what you talk about. Anyway, I can ask the guys the same question, and after we get home we can compare notes." Leonard ran a hand nervously through his hair. "Then, if this Maurice shows up again, maybe you can come up with an answer for him." He looked askance at Penny. "I have to tell you, though, if it was my choice I'm pretty sure I know what _I'd_ do."

"Which is what?" Penny asked.

Before Leonard could answer, however, Sheldon walked into the living room and turned to him. "I just realized," he said. "You and Penny were having spaghetti last night and you didn't invite me!"

Leonard hung his head as if in shame. Actually, he was silently cheering that he'd guessed at least one of Sheldon's responses correctly. "Sorry, buddy," he said, looking up again. "But I forgot to buy hot dogs and I know how much you like spaghetti with them."

Sheldon sighed and walked over to the refrigerator, opening the freezer section and pulling out a frozen package of hot dogs. "I always keep a spare package in the freezer for just such emergencies," he said. "Next time all you need do is ask. And that's one more point on your record."

"Noted," Leonard sighed. One more point in the next six months and he'd have to take Sheldon's make-up class again. "Are you ready to go?"

Sheldon gestured to the tan and beige jacket he already had on. "Of course I'm ready. By the way, good morning Penny, and I'm disappointed you didn't invite me to dinner, either."

"Well, Leonard was cooking," Penny said, finishing off her bagel. "I thought it was his choice to invite you or not."

"A valid point," conceded Sheldon. "But as it was your apartment, I believe you should share equally in the blame. A point for you, too."

"Hey!" Penny said. "That's not fair! Now you're taking _two_ points instead of just one!"

"Again, a valid point," Sheldon said. "Alright, a half-point to each of you."

Penny turned to Leonard and smiled. "You're welcome," she said softly.

"What's this?" Sheldon suddenly asked, picking up the photo of Leonard and Penny from the kitchen island. He looked up, shock on his face. "When did you two go the Grand Canyon—without _me_?"

"Well, it's-a-um," Leonard stammered.

"It's just a photoshop," Penny interjected.

"Right," Leonard agreed, relieved. "Photoshopped."

"Oh," Sheldon said, studying the picture. "Nice work," he commented, dropping the picture back on the counter. "Well, are we going or not? Get the lead out, Leonard." He walked quickly to the door and out of the apartment.

Penny and Leonard walked to the door together. "Well," Penny said, patting him on the arm. "Good luck discussing that 'hypothesis' with Sheldon today," she said, smiling as she walked out ahead of him.

"Thanks," Leonard said, grabbing a key from the key bowl. "I wish _my_ superpower was the ability to ignore Sheldon."

=ooo=

"Superpowers?" Rajesh Koothrappali repeated, looking up from his salad in the Caltech cafeteria to stare at Leonard. "What kind of superpowers?"

"I don't know," Leonard said, trying to think of something close to what he'd seen from Maurice the previous evening. "Something like, say, Dr. Strange."

"Are you talking magic or just general omnipotence?" Howard Wolowitz asked. "There are lots of characters more powerful than Dr. Strange."

"Oh yeah?" Raj said challengingly. "Name three."

"Galactus, Odin, and Dormammu," Howard rattled off.

"First of all, Dormammu is not from our universe," Sheldon said. "He is lord of the Dark Dimension; that reality is separate from Earth. Odin is the same—he's from Asgard. And Galactus's power is cosmic, not magical."

"So what?" Howard said. "Leonard said superpowers, not magic powers."

"Why don't we stick with magic?" Leonard said, trying to keep things on track. "Let's say we're talking humans with magical powers. If you were Dr. Strange, the Sorcerer Supreme, what would you do with your powers?"

"That's simple," Howard said, grinning. "I'd turn Bernie into Clea and we'd kick Dormammu out and rule the Dark Dimension as their wise and benevolent king and queen."

"If I were Dr. Strange," Raj said, a dreamy expression coming over his face. "I would make sure everyone on Earth was pretty or handsome, and could eat as much food as they wanted and never gain weight."

Howard stared at him. "Really? Women would be falling all over you."

"I know," Raj nodded, smirking.

"Wrong," Sheldon said, pointing at Raj, "and wrong," he added, pointing at Howard. "If I had Dr. Strange's powers I would remove all technology from the planet, reverting the world to the Stone Age."

"Are you crazy?" Howard said, leaning forward to argue. "There are nearly seven billion people on Earth! Most of them would die if we went back to the Stone Age!"

"Not my problem," Sheldon said stonily. "People shouldn't be breeding like rabbits."

"I could turn everyone into rabbits," Raj said, smiling to himself. "I could be their king and use all the farm land in the world to grow lettuce for them. _If_ they worshipped me," he added, malevolently.

Leonard shook his head in despair. "I give up," he said. "It's impossible to have a rational argument with you people."

Sheldon turned to him. "For that you're banished to the Dark Dimension," he said. "_Poof_!" he added, making a magic gesture at his roommate. "See how you like living in a fractal pocket dimensional space-time."

Leonard just stared at Sheldon. "I don't care what your mother says," he muttered. "You're crazy."

=ooo=

_Meanwhile, in a restaurant not far from Caltech…_

"I'm not sure I understand the question," Bernadette said. "What kind of a superhero do you mean?"

"Sheldon says there are many kinds of superheroes," Amy put in, sipping on her glass of wine. "Ironically, he seems to like Batman a lot, and Batman doesn't have any powers at all. So I share in Bernadette's confusion."

"Okay, fine," Penny sat back, beginning to wonder why she'd said anything at all. But she'd already got this ball rolling, so— "What if you could do anything you wanted, no matter how … I don't know … _weird_ it was."

Amy set down her glass of wine. "You remember that movie _Frozen_?" she asked. "Sheldon and I watched it on one of our date nights, and I thought it was really cool that Princess Elsa could make anything she wanted out of ice. Although, now that I say it out loud it strikes me as humorous that meant cool in the sense of 'hip' or 'with it' rather than the sense of 'cold.' If I could do anything I wanted I would make all of Pasadena into one big ice city and I could wear my tiara and an ice blue princess gown and glide around the city being its princess."

"Uh huh," Bernadette was sipping from her own wine glass. "I know my bosses at Zangen Pharmaceuticals wouldn't like this, but I'd make everyone immune to all diseases."

"Aww," Penny smiled, sipping her drink. "That's so nice."

"I'd probably be out of a job," Bernadette said, with a slight shrug. "But it would be worth it. And I could still do whatever I wanted, so I'd make myself rich. And taller." She looked at Penny. "What would _you_ do, Penny?"

"You wouldn't have to do anything," Amy confided. "The world is perfect enough with you in it."

"No it's not," Bernadette insisted. "Not even for closet lesbians," she said pointedly to Amy, who looked surprised. "So what would you do?" she asked again.

"I'm not sure," Penny said truthfully. "I keep wondering if I'd make myself the most famous actress in the world, or just be the best wife I could be."

"Why can't you be both?" Bernadette asked with a smile. "After all, you can do anything you want, right?"

"Yeah," Penny nodded, thinking about that. "But would I want to once I could, I keep asking myself."

"Only you know that for sure," Bernadette said. "But I think you would."

Penny smiled at her. "Thanks," she said, emotionally. "It's really nice of you to say that."

Beside her, Amy nodded. "I'm not a closet lesbian, by the way," she announced. She pointed warningly at Bernadette. "And don't ever say that in front of Sheldon."

=ooo=

Several hours later, after an early dinner of take-out Thai food suggested by Sheldon (as it was Anything-Can-Happen Thursday and he said thinking about superheroes worked up his appetite) Penny and Leonard sat in her apartment letting their meals settle, both thinking furiously who would return to their apartment in less than 15 minutes for the answer to the question he had not quite asked yesterday.

_ Did Penny want to become a witch, or not?_

Leonard was looking particularly thoughtful, Penny decided. "Penny for your thoughts," she said, smiling at the irony of that statement.

Leonard didn't smile back, however. "I-I-I don't know," he muttered. "This is a big step. I mean, assuming Maurice even shows up. But of _course_ he's going to show up—this pretty much proves that!" He held up the photo of him and Penny at the Grand Canyon.

"Sweetie," Penny said patiently. "It's okay. Look, I don't know what I'm going to say. I mean, I think I know now but I could change my mind at the last second. With me, you never know. I mean, look at all the times I said no when you proposed to me. But you kept asking and asking, and in the final analysis, I do want to marry you, you big pop tart."

Leonard did smile then, and held out his hand toward her. She took it, smiling, and moved closer to him. "So what kind of pop tart am I?" he asked, teasingly. "Am I cherry? Or strawberry? Personally, I think I'm a strawberry." She stuck out her tongue at him.

"Oh, so I'm a raspberry," Leonard said, chuckling. He leaned toward her, lips pursed for a kiss.

"You're my special little raspberry," Penny said, closing her eyes and leaning forward to kiss him back. As their lips nearly touched something changed, and Penny opened her eyes, finding a pop tart in her hand with her lips pressed against it. Of Leonard there was no sign.

"Leonard," she said, looking around. What kind of joke was this? "What's going on?" she asked out loud, trying to figure out where he was. "Where'd you go, sweetie?" she said, wondering where he could have disappeared to so quickly.

She regarded the pop tart in her hand. It smelled good, and she was still a little bit hungry; the Thai food had been good but she hadn't eaten a lot of it. She shrugged and brought the pop tart back to her mouth, to take a bite of it and see what flavor it was—

She stopped just before she bit down. What if this is a _Leonard_-flavored pop tart, she thought with horror. Had Maurice somehow given her magic already? Could she have done this accidentally? She quickly set the pop tart on the cushion next to her, staring at it. "Leonard?" she asked the pop tart, wondering if she should expect a reply. How would a pop tart speak, exactly?

Maybe she could change it back. How was that going to work, exactly? She'd been thinking, weirdly, of Leonard being her special raspberry pop tart. Maybe she could reverse that and think him back to being Leonard. She put her fingers to her temples, squeezed her eyes shut and thought real hard, muttering, "Okay, Leonard, turn back into yourself." After a few seconds she opened one eye. Nope, the pop tart was still a pop tart.

There was a sudden loud _whoomp_ and a large puff of white smoke billowed out of the floor, leaving Maurice standing next to the couch, still dressed in the suit, cape and top hat he'd been wearing yesterday. "Sorry I'm late, my dear," he said, bowing toward her, then noticed the pop tart on the couch. "Oh. Have I interrupted your dinner?"

Penny pointed nervously at the pop tart. "I think—" she swallowed and tried again. "I think I did something to Leonard."

Maurice looked at the pop tart. "Is this Leonard?"

"I don't know!" Penny cried. "We were about to kiss and suddenly I was holding that in my hand and—" she began waving her hands about wildly "—and then I don't _know_ what happened!" she wailed, breaking down into tears.

"Interesting," Maurice pondered, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "Could your powers have spontaneously emerged due to stress or emotion?" He picked up the pop tart, staring carefully at it. "Well," he said with a shrug. "There's only one way to find out." He took a bite out of the pop tart.

"OH MY GOD!" Penny shrieked, leaping to her feet, her eyes wide with horror. "You ATE him!"

"Not to worry, my dear," Maurice said, smiling broadly. He showed her the fruit filling inside the pop tart. "This is cherry, you see." There was a knock on the door.

Penny was still staring at him in absolute horror. "Don't you think you should get the door?" Maurice said blandly, taking another bite of the pop tart.

Slowly, still trying to process what had just happened, Penny moved to the door and opened it. Leonard was standing there, looking confused. "Oh my God, Leonard, it's you!" Penny cried, hugging him tightly then kissing him hard on the mouth for several seconds.

"Thank you," Leonard said, after the kiss. "But how did I get out here?" Penny whirled to face Maurice, who was still smiling broadly. There was an expression of fury on her face.

"_You_ did that, didn't you?" Penny strode over to stand in front of the warlock, who was chuckling at his own joke. "That was a really crappy thing to do!" she snapped, pointing a finger in his face.

"I'm sorry, my dear," Maurice said, still chuckling. "I'm afraid I could not resist a small joke to lighten the mood before my arrival."

"_Lighten the mood_?" Penny exploded. "Is that what you think is _funny_?! My God, is that what you people are like, scaring people half to death thinking someone's been turned into a pop tart?!"

"Who was turned into a pop tart?" Leonard asked from the doorway.

"You were!" Penny snapped at him. "Or I thought you were! Get in here!" she demanded. Leonard quickly stepped inside the apartment. "And shut the door!" Penny said. "I'm not done yelling at Grampa Munster here!" Leonard shut the apartment door and stood beside Penny, trying to catch up on what had happened.

"My dear, it was just a simple prank," Maurice explained, trying to calm her down. "I meant no disrespect to you or your betrothed."

"I don't care!" Penny said loudly. "It was a horrible thing to do! How was I to know that pop tart wasn't Leonard! If that's the kind of stuff you think is funny, you can just count me _out_ of this whole witch business!"

Maurice sighed. "Penny, I am truly sorry for scaring you like that. We warlocks sometimes forget that mortals are not used to the type of jokes we sometimes play on one another. I should have realized this was a difficult decision for you to make, and I should have treated it more seriously than I did. Can you find it in your heart to forgive an old thespian for playing a thoughtless prank on his own granddaughter?"

Penny stared at him for several seconds, the hard expression on her face slowly melting away. "I suppose so," she said, nodding. "It _was_ pretty funny, now that I think about it."

"That's the spirit!" Maurice said, enthused by her response.

"What happened?" Leonard asked, still unsure what had gone on in his absence.

"Shhh, sweetie," Penny shushed him. "I'll tell you later."

"Now, as to the matter at hand," Maurice continued. "What have you decided to do about your powers?"

"Well, we each talked to our friends about what I could do if I had these powers," Penny explained. "Leonard's friends wanted to remake the world according to how they thought it should be."

Leonard nodded agreement with that assessment. "They wanted to turn everybody into rabbits, or take away all of the technology—stuff like that. It was pretty depressing," he added, unhappily.

"But rather predictable, from a mortal perspective," Maurice said. "Most mortals don't seem to understand that with great power comes great responsibility."

Leonard nodded. "Well, Stan Lee did, actually," he pointed out. "He wrote something like that a long time ago."

Maurice chuckled. "Ah, yes," he nodded. "Cousin Stanley," he said. "He always did enjoy writing in those amusing picture books," he said. "I shall have to pay him a visit one of these days." Leonard looked astonished, then delighted at Maurice's words.

"Okay, well," Penny went on, not really understanding (or caring) what her fiancé or her grandfather had just said. "I also talked to my friends, and they thought there was a lot of good I could do with powers like that. I mean, both for myself and for others," she explained.

"And finally," Penny concluded. "There's Leonard." She looked directly at him. "I know you're afraid that I'll leave you if I get these powers," she said. Leonard nodded, looking away from her. "I wondered about that myself, sweetie. But I don't think anything could happen to me to make me forget everything you've done for me, and I love you so much for that," she smiled, her eyes bright. "We'll always be together, no matter what happens," she said, taking his face in her hands and kissing him.

She then turned to face Maurice. "My answer," she said, "is yes, I'll take the test."

"Splendid!" Maurice beamed happily. "I forewarned our family physician to be prepared," he said. Looking upward, he said loudly, "Dr. Bombay! Front and center, old boy!"

A tall, stout man appeared next to Maurice, dressed in what looked like a cat costume. "Oh, dear!" he said, annoyed. "I thought you meant tomorrow night, Maurice old chap! Tonight my nurse and I are having a little game of cat and mouse. Ha!"

"Pull yourself together, Bombay," Maurice said sternly. "My granddaughter here has decided to be tested for magic."

"Ah well," Bombay sighed, resigned. "Sorry, darling," he said to the ceiling. "Duty calls." He whirled his right finger and instantly changed into a doctor's white coat, with a stethoscope around his neck and a head mirror on his forehead. His other hand now held a black doctor's bag.

"Now, my dear—" he caught sight of Penny for the first time. "My word!" he said, looking at Maurice. "_This_ is your granddaughter? I thought you were referring to Tabitha!"

"Of course not!" Maurice snapped, annoyed. "We've known Tabitha was a witch for decades now! This is my son Wyatt's daughter, Penny."

"Ah, I see!" Bombay looked Penny up and down. "Latent Magic Syndrome?" he said to Maurice, who nodded impatiently. "Well, let's have a look, shall we?" he said briskly, setting his bag on the back of the couch and taking out a device that appeared to be an oversized magnifying glass."

"What-what's he going to do?" Leonard asked nervously, seeing the magnifying glass. He couldn't imagine how that was going to help figure out if Penny was a witch or not.

"Don't worry, lad," Bombay said brightly. "I've been at this for centuries, I think I've got the hang of it by now." He pushed a button on the magnifying glass and it instantly split into three parts—a round glass, a square one, and a triangular one, all in line with one another. Leaning closer to Penny, he began examining her carefully, getting so close that Penny began to lean back.

"Right," he said, putting away the glass. He put his ear against Penny's chest. "Cough, please," he said, and Penny coughed once. "Again, please," Bombay said, and Penny coughed a second time. "Very good," Bombay said, straightening up.

"Was that part of the examination?" Penny asked.

"Not really," Bombay said. "I just wanted to see how well they bounced. Ha!" he barked a laugh. Leonard shook his head incredulously.

"Bombay! That's my granddaughter!" Maurice said dangerously. "Ears off her chest!"

"Sorry, old boy," Bombay harrumphed. "Just a little medical humor there, to lighten the mood. The test was inconclusive, I'm sorry to say. The treatment might be effective, it might not. The only way to find out is to give it to her and see what happens."

Maurice placed a comforting hand on Penny's shoulder. "Are you willing to try, my dear?" he asked her.

Penny looked at Leonard, who nodded encouragingly. "I am," she said. "What have I got to lose?"

"Quite a bit, actually," Dr. Bombay said plaintively. "The treatment could make you quite ill, if your body rejects it. You could die, in fact."

Leonard looked worried. "I don't know if this is a good idea anymore," he said. "I don't know if I want you taking a chance like that."

But Penny looked determined. "I think I need to go through with this, Leonard," she said firmly. "I've been playing things safe for a long time now. I need to take a chance now that I'm so close to having something different in my life." She nodded at Dr. Bombay. "Give me the treatment."

"As you wish." Bombay reached into his bag and brought out a small potion bottle, handing it to her. "Drink this down," he said. "I'll be standing by to check you."

Penny stared at the bottle in her hand a long time. Leonard watched her anxiously, wondering whether she would decide to go through with it or not. "Whatever you decide, Penny," he said at last. "I'll be here for you."

"I know," she nodded, then smiled. "I'm starting to sound like Sheldon already." Leonard chuckled at her joke in spite of the seriousness of the moment.

"My dear," Maurice told her. "I won't think less of you if you decide not to go through with it. I would rather have a live mortal than a dead witch for a granddaughter."

"Okay," she said at last, making up her mind. "Here goes." She popped the top off the bottle and tipped it back, swallowing the contents. "Yuck," she said, making a face. "That tasted awful!" The bottle suddenly slipped through her fingers, dropping to the floor. She sat down on the couch, holding her stomach. "I feel weird," she said, putting her hand on her forehead.

"What's happening?" Leonard demanded, upset by her reaction.

"It may be working," Bombay said, watching her carefully. "Wait—"

Penny gasped in pain and clutched her stomach, falling on her side on the couch and curling up in a fetal position. "It's not working!" Leonard shouted.

"What's happening, Bombay?!" Maurice demanded of the witch doctor.

"I can't tell!" Bombay cried. "I've never seen this reaction before!"

"Oooh! Oww!" Penny was groaning on the couch. "Oh my god it hurts!"

"Do something!" Leonard said loudly. "Help her!"

"I may need to take her to my clinic," Bombay said, grabbing his doctor bag. "Hang on, everyone!" He raised his arm to begin the gesture to transport them all to his office, when the couch Penny was lying on suddenly bounced into the air.

"Wait!" Maurice said. "Look!"

A chorus of voices coming from everywhere in the room was rising in volume. Other pieces of furniture in the apartment were beginning to move as well. The living room chair did a somersault. The barstools under the counter were dancing around on their four legs. The dining room table and chairs had floated into air and were spinning around and around. Pictures on the walls were swinging back and forth or spinning around in place. The window curtains were flying open and closed, as were the windows themselves. The entire room seemed alive and spinning around in sheer delight.

"Are you doing this?" Leonard shouted at Maurice over the chorus and the dancing furniture.

"No!" Maurice shouted back. "She is!"

The chorus reached a crescendo that filled the room with sound, then abruptly stopped. The tables, chairs and couch all dropped to the floor. Leonard sat down next to Penny, reaching over and holding her upright as her eyes fluttered open. She looked at Leonard. "What happened?" she asked him.

"How do you feel?" he asked her anxiously.

"Fine, I guess," she said, looking around. "How did everything get so messed up?"

"It worked," Leonard said, hugging her tightly. "I think it really worked!"

"Oh, good," she said, feeling suddenly tired. When Leonard let go of her, she looked down at her hands. "Okay, so how can I tell?"

"Just a moment," Dr. Bombay said. He reached into his bag and took out a silver tuning fork. He put his hand out toward Penny. "Give me your left leg, please."

Penny frowned, looking warily at the witch doctor. Bombay looked impatient. "Don't worry, my dear, I'll give it right back," he told her. Slowly, she lifted her leg up so he could take hold of it.

Bombay grasped her leg, then looked around for something to strike the tuning fork against. He finally settled for Leonard's head. "Ow," Leonard said as the doctor tapped the fork on his crown, producing a high, clear C above middle A. Bombay touched the fork to Penny's left knee. The sound immediately morphed into a strange harmony of different tones, increasing and lowering in pitch. "Uh huh," Bombay murmured. "Hmmm. Quite interesting." He took the fork away and let go of Penny's leg.

"The treatment was a success," he announced. "You are now a witch," he said to her.

"Wonderful!" Maurice said, as Penny and Leonard hugged each other. "Smashing job, old fellow!" he said, clapping Dr. Bombay on the shoulder.

"Remember you said that when you get my bill," Bombay said. "Ha-ha! Well, I must be off," he said, and with a gesture returned to his cat costume. "I have some catting about to do with my nurse. Ha-ha! By the way, my dear," he said to Penny. "If you ever need work as a doctor's assistant, look me up. I think you'd be purr-fect for the job. Ha!" With a final gesture he disappeared.

That left only Maurice, who was beaming proudly at Penny. "My dear, I am so happy for you," he said delightedly. "And now, a present to celebrate this moment."

Maurice held out his hands in front of him. A large, leather-bound book appeared in his hands, with the words

_**The Book of Magic**_

engraved into the leather of the book's cover.

"This will help you get started learning about your new powers and the spells you can cast," he said, presenting it to her. "If you have any questions, feel free to call upon me. I, or someone in our family will come to your aid.

"Naturally," he added. "You should not tell any mortals about your new powers. They tend to become upset and unpredictable when confronted with magic." Maurice shook his head wearily. "Believe me, you have _no idea_ how much."

"You mean I can't tell anyone about this?" Penny looked disappointed. "But Leonard knows!"

"You and Leonard are to be married," Maurice said gently. "He would have learned about it in time, anyway. We weren't always so understanding about these matters where mortals were concerned. When my daughter married a mortal, my wife Endora and I were absolutely livid, her especially so. She tried for _years_ to break them up. In the end, however, it all worked out for the best."

"Oh, so they stayed together, then?" Leonard asked hopefully.

"More or less," Maurice smiled enigmatically. "Ah well, then

Good night, good night! parting is such sweet sorrow,  
>That I shall say good night till it be morrow."<p>

And with those words he vanished.

Leonard looked at Penny. "I think Juliet said those lines, not Romeo," he told her.

"_I heard that_," Maurice's voice came through the air.

"Sorry, sorry," Leonard said, holding up his hands.

"_That's better_," Maurice's voice said. "_Pip pip, and all that rot_."

Penny had sat down on the couch and was leafing through the pages of the book. "Wow. This stuff looks more complicated than my pharmaceutical training manuals."

Leonard sat down next to her, looking at the spells as she flipped through the pages. "It looks like there's some amazing stuff in there," he said, very impressed. "I'm glad everything worked out the way you wanted it, Penny," he said, slipping his arm around her.

"I am too," she said, smiling. "It's just too bad I can't tell anyone about this except you."

"I'm a good listener," Leonard said, puffing himself up a bit. "If you need help with anything in that book, you just let me know," he said, importantly.

"All right, you," she said, putting her arm around his waist and leaning forward to give him a quick kiss. "It's a deal. I just hope you're good at reading Sumerian." She pointed to some markings on one of the pages.

"Ah, hmm," Leonard said, realizing he'd spoken too quickly. "Well, my cuneiform is a little rusty."

Penny laughed and kissed him again. This was going to be very interesting indeed!

=ooo=

**A/N: This is the first Big Bang Theory / Bewitched crossover story at fanfiction dot net. I originally thought about a BBT / Harry Potter crossover; one of the chapters in my story "Harry Potter Versus" has a Harry Potter vs. Sheldon Cooper chapter. As I thought about the Big Bang Theory crossover more, I decided I wanted the magic to be a little different from Harry Potter. At some point I realized that the magic was going to be a lot closer to Bewitched's style of magic than Harry Potter's, so I altered the crossover to use Bewitched instead. I don't have to move the Bewitched storyline forward or the Big Bang Theory backward for them to mesh, since the witch and warlock characters of Bewitched are so long-lived. **

**There are also a considerable number of characters to choose from both sides of the crossover. I've already introduced a lot of names from the Bewitched side, with Maurice and Dr. Bombay appearing in this "episode." Endora, Tabitha, and Dr. Bombay's unnamed nurse were also mentioned in this chapter, as well as Wyatt, Penny's father and Elvira, his witch mother. We may see more of these characters in upcoming chapters. **

**The advantage of this crossover is in the open-ended format of such a series. The Big Bang Theory has started its 8****th**** season, with two more seasons planned, so it will run through at least 2017. I have the outlines for at least 10 more episodes written down, but Bewitched and BBT characters both suggest quite a few ideas that can be expanded on. I hope to see reviews for this chapter suggesting ideas that you readers would like to see.**

**Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoy!**

**John**


	2. The Friendship Isolation

**.**

**Episode Two  
><strong>**The Friendship Isolation**

_Published_ 11/5/2014

"I must say, Leonard," Sheldon remarked as he, Raj and Howard set up the board for another game of Life: Mystic Warlords of Ka'a edition. "Normally, I find the games you purchase boring, derivative or lackluster. Much like your research. But this one has turned out to be quite interesting."

Leonard sighed and smiled patiently, ignoring the condescension as much as possible. "Always nice to get a compliment from you, Sheldon."

"It _is_ really interesting," Raj concurred. "Much more so than Klingon Bridge or that Vanilla Ice Rap game."

"You didn't like it because I was better at it than you," Leonard complained.

"Because rhyming stupid lyrics to a stolen 'Killer Queen' beat is something no one else on the planet can do like you," Howard said sarcastically, then went into an imitation of Leonard rapping Vanilla Ice lyrics to a _Queen_ beat

"If there was a problem, Yo — I'll solve it!  
>Check out the hook while DJ revolves it.<br>Oh mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me go!"

"Nice!" Raj said admiringly. "Howard's in the groove, dude!" Howard, who'd done it to mock Leonard, just stared at him, then went back to setting up the bank.

"Hey," Raj said. "How come you always get to be the banker?"

Howard smirked at him. "Well, is anyone else here Jewish?"

"Howard, you know that's racist," Leonard said, shuffling the Ka'a deck. "Let Raj be the banker if he wants to."

"Oh, all right," Howard conceded, handing the gold cards to Raj. "But just remember who to come to if you need a ruby dagger or sword of sharpness below retail."

"I'll begin," Sheldon said, placing his chariot on the Start Career space. He drew a Career card from the deck. "Oh drat," he said, disappointed. "I got the Priest card again. I got that one last time. Do-over, do-over!"

"Sheldon," Leonard pointed out. "You got Priest card last time _because_ you called a do-over. And you were _happy_ with it that time! Just keep it and draw a Loot card."

"All right," Sheldon muttered, disgruntled. "But I warn you, I'm beginning to rethink my opinion of you regarding this game." He drew a Loot card and a smile came over his face. "Five thousand," he said, putting the cards down in front of him. "I believe that's the highest Loot card in the deck."

"Congratulations, Sheldon," Howard said, mocking him. "You're a regular Croseus."

Raj's turn was next. He drew a Career card. "Oh, no!" he moaned. "I got the Water Sprite! The Water Sprite sucks! The Water Sprite is like the Aquaman of Mystic Warlords of Ka'a!"

"Look on the bright side, Raj," Leonard suggested.

"What bright side?" Raj muttered, annoyed.

"At least you didn't get the Enchanted Bunny."

"I'd rather be a bunny than a stupid water sprite," Raj grumbled. He drew a Loot card. His whole demeanor changed. "Oh, look! I got the IRS card! Nice!" The IRS card allowed the player holding it to collect half of each of the other player's gold when they landed on a Collect Loot space.

"Your turn, Leonard," Howard said.

"Okay," Leonard said, reaching for a career card. His phone beeped. "Uh-oh—hang on," he said, taking it out and reading the text message he'd just gotten. "Hmm," he said. "Penny's got a question about her, um, training manual."

Howard slumped in defeat. "Oh, come on! Can't we for once just have an evening together without your fiancée calling you over for a quickie on the pretext of—" he made air quotes as he said, "—'training?' What are you two training for—the Kama Sutra Olympics. Or maybe that would have been you and Priya…"

"Don't bring my sister into this!" Raj protested. "It's bad enough Leonard defiled her!"

"You mean the way you're currently defiling Emily?" Howard smiled.

"Our love is a wonderful, beautiful thing," Raj insisted.

"So is your Celestron telescope but I'll bet you don't want to kiss that," Howard snarked.

"Come on, Howard, lay off," Leonard said, putting his phone away and standing. "I better go over and see what she needs. This is Penny's first real job and she wants to be good at it."

"Right," Howard said, with a snarky grin. "Spending all day wearing low-cut blouses and flirting with handsome, sexy doctors? I'll bet she knocks 'em dead."

"Sorry, guys," Leonard said, walking to the apartment door. "I'll be back as soon as I can." He left the apartment, but leaned back inside a moment later. "Um, don't wait up for me," he said, and disappeared again.

"Well," Sheldon shrugged. "That's it for the Game of Life: Mystic Warlords of Ka'a Edition for tonight, I'm afraid."

"We can still play without Leonard," Howard pointed out.

"I'm afraid not," Sheldon disagreed. "It's Leonard's game, and he did not grant us permission to play in his absence."

"Oh, come on, Sheldon!" Raj exclaimed. "Leonard won't mind! Besides, since he hadn't picked any cards yet, technically he wasn't a player when he left the apartment, but was implicitly giving _us_ permission to play the game while he watched. We should at least be able to finish this game. For him," Raj added, respectfully.

Sheldon looked thoughtful for several seconds. "I suppose," he said at length. "It will give me a chance to beat you twice in a row. That'll be fun."

"It's always fun losing to you, Sheldon," Howard said. "You always make it an experience to remember."

Sheldon turned a condescending eye toward him. "I do believe that's sarcasm, Howard. But I'm so looking forward to mopping the floor with you and Raj that I believe I can ignore it this time."

-=o=-

Penny looked up as Leonard opened her door and leaned inside. "Hi, come on in!" she said excitedly, motioning for him to join her.

"What's up?" Leonard asked, sitting beside her. The book she was holding was not one of her pharmaceutical manuals, but the book her grandfather Maurice had given her almost a week earlier, when Penny became a witch.

"I think I'm starting to get the hang of this stuff," Penny said eagerly. "I've been reading up on some simple witchcraft abilities and doing some practicing. Watch!" She nodded at an empty wine glass sitting on the coffee table. Next to it was a bottle of white wine. Penny made a pouring motion with her hand. The wine bottle lifted in the air, tipped and poured wine into the glass, then settled back onto the coffee table. Penny pointed at the wine glass and it lifted into the air and floated over to Leonard, who reached out and took it gingerly.

"That's amazing!" Leonard said, impressed.

"I know!" Penny agreed. "I can't believe all of the stuff I can do now!"

"Yes," Leonard nodded. Then, "Like-like what stuff, exactly?"

Penny grinned. "Watch this," she said, then gestured at herself. She had been wearing pink sweats and a white tank top. Suddenly she was dressed in a black, low-cut cocktail dress. "How about a night on the town, sailor?" she said in a husky voice.

"Um," Leonard said, not sure how to respond. "That's…amazing…" he said, a little more uncertainly this time. This wasn't quite what he'd expected when they'd found out Penny was going to learn magic.

Penny seemed to sense his anxiety. "We don't have to go out," she said quickly. "How about a nice dinner?" She gestured at the coffee table. A bowl of spaghetti covered in steaming marinara sauce appeared in front of them. "Voilà! Spaghetti! Oh wait! I forgot the hot dogs!" she said, then snapped her fingers over the bowl. Pieces of cut-up wieners appeared with the spaghetti.

Leonard reached out and picked up a piece of wiener. It was hot and covered in marinara. He took a bite of it. It tasted delicious. But —

"You can just make food out of — nothing?" he asked, looking at her. "I thought that was impossible."

"No, no," she said with a casual shrug. "I think you told me they couldn't do that in the Harry Potter stories, but that's just made-up magic. This is real."

"Yeah," Leonard said. "Wow…"

"What's the matter?" Penny asked. Leonard didn't seem very happy with what she'd been able to accomplish in just a few days. "Don't you think this is _cool_?"

"Of _course_ I think it's cool," Leonard said quickly, not wanting to appear unsupportive. "It's just a bit—overwhelming, I guess." She gave him an inquiring look. "Well, I-I-I mean, it's just, a week ago you were worried about working at your new job being a pharmaceutical rep. But you've this book now, and—"

"And now _what_?" Penny was giving him a dark look. "I'm still going through the training manuals, Leonard," she said, pointing at her stack of training manuals at the other end of the sofa. "In fact, I've already reading them."

Leonard did a double take. "You read all of _those_?" He asked, pointing at the manuals. It was pretty big stack.

"Yeah," Penny said, carelessly. "It was no big deal."

Leonard shook his head doubtfully. "Penny, I've seen you take a week to read an article in _Cosmopolitan_."

"You don't believe me?" Penny snapped. "Okay, listen to this: 'the mechanism of action of sildenafil involves the protection of cyclic guanosine monophosphate from degradation by cGMP-specific phosphodiesterase type 5 in the corpus cavernosum,'" She recited, gave him a challenging look. "How about _that_?"

"Do you even know what that means?" Leonard asked her. "Because I'm not sure_ I_ do!"

"It means, Viagra makes your penis hard," Penny said.

"Okay, I get it," Leonard said, giving in. "You've been able to learn magic _and_ work on your new job. I guess I'm just not sure where we go from here."

"I don't know either," Penny said, throwing up her hands. "It's not like I _expected_ my warlock grandfather to show up out of nowhere and turn me into a witch! I'm just trying to do the best I can with what I've got. Although I have to admit," she added candidly, "things are a hell of a lot better now than when I was working at the Cheesecake Factory. I have a job, a new company car, I'm making money…" she smiled happily.

"And you have a fiancé," Leonard added, after a second.

"That, too!" she quickly agreed. Leonard sighed. "Oh come _on_, Leonard!" she said, exasperated. "What do you want me to say? I'm happy to have you in my life, too!"

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry," Leonard apologized.

Penny shook her head. "This would be a lot easier if I could just talk to Amy or Bernadette about it."

"Maybe," Leonard agreed. "But Maurice warned you not to do that."

"I _know_," she moaned. "It's so unfair! They know so much more about stuff than I do!"

"I suppose," Leonard said. He eyed the stack of training manuals that Penny had read in the space of a few days. "That could change, though…

"Just be careful," he suggested, seriously. He pointed at The Book of Magic. "You need to take things a little more slowly. Don't be afraid to walk before you run."

"All right, Leonard," Penny said, and smiled. "I almost forgot how smart _you_ were." She leaned forward and kissed him. "Now, are you ready for some dinner?"

"Sure," Leonard smiled too, then glanced at the bowl of spaghetti. "Can I make a suggestion about what to have?"

"Sure," Penny said. "What do you want? Thai? A steak? A no-cheese pizza?"

"Well, I was actually thinking about some fried chicken and a salad," Leonard said. "You know, like—like Sheldon's mom makes?"

"Okay," Penny said. She gestured at the bowl of spaghetti, which disappeared, then was replaced by a plate of fried chicken and a bowl of lettuce, chopped onions and carrots. "There you go!"

"It smells delicious," Leonard said, beaming as he inhaled the aroma of the chicken. "I could get used to this witch thing."

-=o=-

Amy waved, attracting Penny's attention as she entered the restaurant where they usually met for lunch once a week or so. "Bernadette didn't come with you?" she asked, as Penny sat down across from her.

"Too busy, she said," Penny told her.

"That's okay, bestie," Amy said, with her usual quirky smile. "We let her come along often enough, we don't have to throw her that bone every time."

"Right, right," Penny said, smiling at Amy's attitude. Amy always considered Bernadette the "odd girl out" in their little social circle, even though Penny had known her for some time before Amy met either of them. "So how are things going at the university?"

"Well," Amy said, "you see one rat brain under a microscope, you've seen them all, so…" she gave a plaintive shrug. "How's the new job?"

"Fine," Penny said in turn. "I'm still in training this week, so there's not much to tell."

"How's reading the training manuals coming along?" Amy asked.

"Oh, I finished them a couple of days ago," Penny said without thinking.

"Really?" Amy looked surprised. "All four of them? Wow, you must've really burned the midnight oil to do that. Must not have left much time for any hanky-panky with Leonard," she said with a smirk.

"Oh, well…" Penny shrugged off the comment. "I guess—um, can someone take our drink orders here?" she asked, looking around for a server.

-=o=-

Later, after their drinks had arrived and their orders taken, Penny was feeling more relaxed with a little wine in her. "Do you have any regrets giving up your acting career?" Amy asked, sipping on her glass of ice water.

"I'm not sure I've really given it up," Penny said, thoughtfully. "I mean, it's on hold now, but that doesn't mean I couldn't try it again someday."

"Really?" Amy's expression was skeptical. "How long were you an actress?"

Penny thought for a moment. "About ten years," she said.

"And how many acting jobs did you get during that time?"

"Well," Penny cleared her throat; she didn't exactly care for questions like this, they pointed out her overall failure to achieve anything spectacular, acting-wise. "Let's see. I did a one-night showcase of the musical _Rent_," she said, holding up a finger. "And that hemorrhoid commercial. I played Blanche in my acting class's production of _A Streetcar Named Desire_."

"I thought you did very well in that," Amy said, sincerely.

"Thanks," Penny smiled. She stared at Amy a long moment. It was true she'd been warned not to tell anyone except Leonard about her magic, but she was positively _bursting_ to let someone else in on the secret. Amy had been her "bestie" for a few years now. It wasn't like they were _engaged_ or anything, of course, but … given Amy's rather weird (and a bit creepy) fascination with her, maybe, just maybe, it would be okay. "Listen, there's something I want to tell you."

"What is it?" Amy asked, interested.

"But you have to _promise_ not to tell anyone," Penny went on, warningly. "And I mean _nobody_. Not even Sheldon."

"Not even Sheldon?" Amy sat up straighter. "This sounds intriguing. Why not Sheldon? Aren't boyfriends and girlfriends normally considered exempt from the constraints of secret-telling?"

"Not in this case," Penny said firmly. "I really mean it. You know Sheldon can't keep a secret, and this is really, really important? Promise?"

"I promise," Amy nodded in agreement.

Penny held up her hand, little finger extended. "Pinky swear?"

"A pinky swear?" Amy looked awestruck. "This must really be some secret," she breathed. She held up her own hand and they crossed fingers and shook. "Okay, give it," she whispered, leaning forward eagerly. "You're about to confess your secret love for me?"

"_What_?" Penny exclaimed, not sure she'd heard correctly.

"Never mind," Amy said quickly. "What is it?"

Penny leaned forward as well. "I'm a witch," she whispered.

"A what?" Amy shook her head, not understanding. What did Penny mean?

"A witch," Penny repeated. "I'm a witch. I can do magic."

Amy sat back, looking confused. "I don't understand."

"I'm a witch," Penny said again. "A real, spell casting, witch. I found out about a week ago. My dad's father came to me and told me that I'm a witch, but that my powers had never developed because I had something called Latent Magic Syndrome. He and a witch doctor named Dr. Bombay examined me and gave me a potion that gave me magical powers. I've been practicing with them for the past week."

Amy sat stock-still for several seconds. Then she reached for her purse. "I'm not sure what this is about," she said with a quivering voice. "But if this is your idea of a joke, it's not very funny. Tell our server I don't want my lunch." She started to stand.

"Wait a minute, Amy," Penny put out a hand, stopping her from standing. "I can prove it to you. We both ordered chef's salads, remember? Watch." Penny snapped her fingers over the table and two chef's salads appeared in front of them. Amy stared down in shock at the food that had just appeared in front of her.

At that moment their waiter appeared, carrying their meals. "Here we are," he said, "Two chef's—" he stopped, staring at the salads already on the table. "Oh. I guess someone already brought your meals out. Sorry," he said, retreating back to the kitchen.

"Oops," Penny said, smiling wryly. Amy was still staring at the bowl of salad in front of her. "I guess that was poor timing on my part."

Amy looked up at her. "I'm sorry," she said, in a neutral but slightly annoyed tone. "Who are you and why are you sitting at my table?"

"What?" Penny said. "Oh come on, Amy, don't be like that."

"And how do you know my name?" Amy asked. "Have we met?"

"Of course we've met!" Penny said, annoyed herself now. "We've known each other for years! You're my bestie, remember?"

Amy shook her head slowly. "I've never seen you before today," she said.

Penny frowned. "Well, that's just crazy," she snapped. "Why are you being so stubborn about this?" Amy just stared at her. "Well?" Penny demanded.

But Amy didn't answer. In fact, she didn't move at all. It was like she was frozen in place. A few seconds later Penny looked around, realizing _everyone_ was like that. The entire restaurant was immobile. There were people in mid-bite; she even saw a waiter pouring water into a customer's glass—the water _itself_ was frozen! What was going on?

"Well, well, well," another voice suddenly spoke. Penny turned to the spot opposite Amy, where an older woman had suddenly appeared at their table. "Already in trouble, I see."

The woman looked to be in her mid-50's , with upswept red hair, quite fashionably dressed. She was giving Penny a condescending smirk. "Don't you remember what Maurice told you about telling mortals what you were?"

"Who are you?" Penny asked her. "How do you know Maurice?"

"You may call me Endora," the woman said, with an airy wave of a gloved hand. "I am married, loosely speaking, to Maurice. He told me not long ago about you becoming one of us, and asked me to keep an eye on you in case you needed some help. It's been less than a week and here we are already."

"You're Maurice's wife?" Penny asked.

"Yes, as I just explained," the woman said, looking bored.

"So you're my grandma?" Penny said, with a sudden smile.

"Oh, hardly," Endora said, as if the idea was distasteful. "Even my _own_ granddaughter calls me Endora these days. But she's been around quite a few more years than you have, my dear."

"So what's going on here?" Penny wanted to know. "Why doesn't my friend Amy here recognize me now? Did I cast some kind of spell on her and not realize it, or what?"

"It's a little more complicated than that," Endora said. "Sometime after my daughter's unfortunate marriage to a mortal, the Witches Council decided to cast a spell that would make it more difficult for any of us to tell random mortals about our existence. If you tell any mortal who is not truly a friend of yours, capable of keeping your secret, that mortal will forget everything about you, permanently." She gestured at Amy. "That is why this person no longer remembers you."

"But that can't be right!" Penny objected, stunned. "Amy and I are friends! We've known each other for years! She calls me her bestie all the time!"

"I'm sorry, my dear," Endora shook her head. "But that's apparently not true. If this person were truly your friend, the enchantment would not have made her forget you."

"Oh my God," Penny whispered, looking horrified. "So she doesn't remember anything about me at _all_?"

"Nothing," Endora agreed. "You are a complete stranger to her now."

"Wow," Penny muttered. "How am I going to explain this to all my other friends?" She looked at Endora. "Isn't there something you can do?"

"Not really," Endora said, with a shrug. A sly smile suddenly crossed her lips. "But, I suppose I _could_ bring this up to the Witches Council—perhaps they will make an exception for you, since you've just become a witch and weren't familiar with the restriction."

"I would really, really appreciate if you did," Penny said hopefully. "Grandma," she added, trying out that word on the woman.

Endora shuddered and gave her a shocked look, then sniffed haughtily. "Very well," she said. "But _only_ if you call me 'Endora' from now on! 'Grandma,' indeed!" She looked positively aghast at the idea.

"Deal," Penny said, wanting to stay on the witch's good side. Assuming there was one.

"Now let's be on our way," Endora said, taking Penny's arm as she got to her feet. "There's no use you staying here now."

"What about the rest of these people?" Penny asked as she grabbed her purse and stood. "What happened to them?"

"Oh, just a little time stop so we could talk uninterrupted," Endora said. "I'll take care of it when I leave. And I'll let you know what the Witches Council decides when I find out." She looked expectantly at Penny.

"Um, okay," Penny said. She looked around. "Uh, should I leave?" she asked, pointing toward the door.

"Haven't you learned to pop out yet?" Endora asked.

"Uh, no."

"Very well, then," Endora said, frowning. "I'll drop you off." She snapped her fingers and she and Penny disappeared.

The people in the restaurant began moving again, including Amy, who looked around for a moment for the woman who'd been sitting at the table with her. "If I were going to imagine someone having lunch with me," she muttered to herself, "I think I'd at least picked an imaginary person I know, like Armand." She resumed eating her salad.

-=o=-

Later that afternoon, Leonard and Sheldon returned to their apartment building and entered the lobby. "And another thing," Sheldon said abruptly, as Leonard started up the stairs.

Leonard stopped, sighed, and turned back to face Sheldon. "What now?" he asked, his voice tight with restraint. Sheldon had been droning on and on in the car on the way home and Leonard wanted nothing more than to go to his room for some peace and quiet for a while. A long while.

"I've been thinking about the dark matter ratios in the universe," Sheldon continued. "The observable universe is supposed to contain 26.8 percent dark matter, and therefore the entire universe is around 84.5 percent."

"I remember reading that," Leonard nodded. "What's your point?"

The two of them started walking up the stairs. "I've been doing some calculations," Sheldon said. "I think those numbers are incorrect."

"Those are the best estimates we have," Leonard argued. "They agree with all of the current models."

"Not with _my_ models," Sheldon disagreed. "My calculations put the current ratio of dark matter in the universe at 88.7 percent."

"Interesting," Leonard said. "Why haven't you Tweeted that yet?" he asked, snarkily, as they passed Mrs. Gunderson's potted plant on the third floor.

"Oh, don't be ridiculous, Leonard," Sheldon snorted. "I'm not giving away important data like that to any Tom, Dick or Harry with a Twitter account."

"Ah," Leonard nodded wisely. "Good idea. I look forward to reading your paper on the subject."

"Sorry," Sheldon shook his head. "This is on a strictly need-to-know basis. And Leonard, you don't need to know."

Leonard threw Sheldon a peeved look, but at that moment his phone beeped. He took it out and read the text. "Penny wants to talk to me when I get home," he said, as they started up the stairs to the fourth floor.

"Of course she does," Sheldon said. They continued trudging up the stairs. "Sometimes I deplore the ease with which people can intrude in our lives with their banal trivialities. They text and twitter meaningless jibber-jabber all the time, wasting my precious time and brain power, instead of saying some worthy of reading."

"_You_ tweet all the time," Leonard pointed out.

"That's my point," Sheldon said, exasperated. "People should just wait for my tweets. Now _those_ are worth reading." They stopped at the top of the stairs, on the fourth floor.

"Don't forget," Sheldon reminded him. "Raj, Howard, Bernadette and Amy are coming over later for Thai food. Siam Palace, as usual. We're planning on having dinner at six p.m., so try not to get so involved in your mating rituals that you lose track of time."

"I won't forget," Leonard said. "In fact, Penny's going with me this time," he added as he began walking toward her door.

Sheldon spun around, eyeing Leonard closely. "Wait, _wait_… _Why_ is she going? I sense monkey business afoot!"

"No monkey business, Sheldon," Leonard assured him. He hesitated a bare moment. "Well, she did suggest a new Thai place over on Colorado Boulevard…"

"I knew it!" Sheldon moaned, shaking his head despairingly. "If you two keep trying to make your own decisions now, it's going to be impossible living with you after you're married!"

"Never mind," Leonard said, giving up. "Siam Palace it is. I'll see you at six."

"Alright," Sheldon said, but he gave Leonard a last suspicious glance before going into their apartment, muttering, "Boy, you gotta keep right on top of them or—pow! They start living like hippies…"

Leonard shook his head and knocked on Penny's door. She opened it almost immediately. "Hi," she said hurriedly. "Come on in." She grabbed his hand and pulled him inside.

Penny practically dragged him over to the couch. Leonard was beginning to hope she was in a sexy mood—despite Sheldon's warning he wouldn't say no to a quickie before they went for Thai. But Penny wasn't in that kind of mood.

"I think I've got a big problem," she said. Leonard leaned closer, listening intently. "I told Amy at lunch about me being a witch."

"Uh-oh," Leonard knew something bad was coming. "What happened?"

"She completely forgot who I am," Penny said. "I mean, _everything_. And then everyone in the restaurant froze and Endora showed up and—"

"Wait a minute," Leonard cut in. "Who's Endora?"

"She's Maurice's wife," Penny said. "And if you thought _he_ was scary—woo!" Penny shook her head emphatically. "That woman is a WITCH with a capital W!"

"Gossip is so unbecoming," a woman's disembodied voice spoke in the air around them. Leonard looked around, trying to find its source.

"Aw, crap," Penny said. "I forgot."

"Forgot what?" Leonard asked warily.

"They can sometimes hear us when we're talking," Penny said. She looked up toward the ceiling. "Endora, if you're here you might as well appear and meet Leonard."

Endora was suddenly standing behind the couch. Leonard jumped violently.

"So this is your fiancé," Endora said, in an appraising tone that left Leonard feeling uneasy, as if he was being evaluated and coming up lacking.

"How-how do you do, ma'am," he said, still leaning away as if afraid.

"Don't worry, dear boy," she said to him, her tone pleasant but sarcastic. "I don't bite very hard."

"You—you must be Endora," Leonard said, standing and offering his hand. "It's very nice to meet you."

Endora didn't extend her hand. "You'll excuse me, I'm sure," she said. "I just had my nails done." Leonard blinked, then let his hand drop and sat down next to Penny again.

"Any word on whether the Witches Council can fix things?" Penny asked anxiously.

"They're debating it," Endora said, unconcerned. "Patience, my dear—it shouldn't take them more than three or four days to figure it out."

"We've got to go get dinner," Leonard reminded Penny. "Everyone's going to be over at our apartment in an hour."

"Can't you hurry them up?" Penny asked Endora pleadingly. "Nobody's going to understand if Amy doesn't remember me! They're going to start asking questions I can't answer without explaining I'm a witch! I'd think the Witches Council would want to avoid something like this, it's more likely to expose us as witches than not!"

"Not if everyone forgets who you are," Endora explained, smiling.

"But that's going to create a lot more problems than it solves," Leonard said. "If all my friends suddenly forget who Penny is, people are going to start asking questions and trying to figure out what's going on. Soon it'll become so widespread that somebody's bound to figure it out!"

Endora's expression turned glum. "I suppose you're right," she said in a flat, bored tone. "I'll point that out to the Council. In the meantime," she said to Penny, "you should stall as long as you can before going over there. In fact, perhaps you should just stay in this dreary little apartment of yours. Your fiancé Lonny here can tell everyone you're sick. Perhaps with the plague…" Before Penny could reply she disappeared.

"Well, that was interesting," Leonard said, bemused. "She sort of reminded me of my mother, if my mother actually _had_ a personality."

"Let's not worry about your mother," Penny snapped. "What are we going to do?"

"Well, it's not that bad an idea for you to just stay here," Leonard suggested. "I can say you caught a cold at work today and don't want to give it to anyone. I'm sure Sheldon will appreciate that," he grinned.

"Fine," Penny shrugged. "I'll just stay here."

Leonard leaned over and kissed her on the cheek, stood and started toward the door. "Do you want me to bring you something back?" he asked.

"No," Penny said. "I'll just whip something up for myself." Leonard nodded and left. Penny gestured at the coffee table and several cartons of food appeared in front of her, along with a chilled bottle of sauvignon blanc and a wine glass. "Nice!" she said, picking up a carton of noodles and inhaling their aroma. She picked up a fork and began to eat.

The apartment door opened suddenly and Leonard entered. "Hang on a second," he said, as Penny stopped with a forkful of noodles halfway to her mouth. "What do you _mean_ Amy won't remember you? How could that happen?" He looked at the carton in her hand. "And where did all this _food_ come from?!" He sat down and picked up a carton. "Mee Crob Chicken?" He sniffed. "And it smells just like Sheldon likes it! You can do stuff like this?"

"You saw me make spaghetti the other night," Penny pointed out.

"Yes, but, but that was just spaghetti," Leonard said.

"With little pieces of hot dog cut up in it," Penny reminded him.

"But _this_—" Leonard looked at the cartons of food, each of them a different dish. "This is really amazing!" Penny smiled, proud of herself.

Leonard suddenly held up his hands. "Wait. Wait. Back to what we were talking about. _Why_, exactly, doesn't Amy remember who you are?"

Penny set down her carton. "You remember Maurice warned me about telling other people about my witchcraft," she said. Leonard nodded. "Well, it turns out there's an enchantment that if you tell someone about it who's not really your friend, they will forget everything about you."

"But you've known Amy for years," Leonard said.

"I know!" Penny agreed loudly. "Why would they _do_ something like that?!"

"So…" Leonard was working through things in his head. "Does this mean that Amy is not really your friend?"

Penny blanched and looked at him. "I don't know," she said, helplessly. "I guess not. Or, I don't know, maybe there's something that's keeping us from really becoming friends."

"Because of her?" Leonard pondered. "Or because of … you?"

Penny stared at him a long moment. "Why would you say that?" she finally asked. "I don't have any trouble making friends."

"You don't have any trouble talking to people," Leonard said. "You'll talk to anyone, anywhere. You told me you once got a whole busload of people to have a sing-along with you, because you were bored."

"Oh, yeah," Penny chuckled. "That's right. 'Naughty Girl'… that was fun," she remembered.

"My point," Leonard pressed on, "is there's a difference between talking to someone and being their friend."

"But Amy says we're best friends," Penny pointed out. "She calls me her bestie all the time."

"Right, and her boyfriend is _Sheldon Cooper_," Leonard added. "So maybe some of this is on her, too. You told me a few years ago she didn't want you to move back to Nebraska because it would affect her popularity."

"Maybe," Penny agreed, thinking about it. "It seems like she's tried to wedge herself between Bernadette and me. I've known Bernadette longer, since we started working at the Cheesecake Factory together. It's kind of hard to imagine I've known her all this time and we haven't really been friends."

"I don't know about that," Leonard said quietly. "It seems like you, Bernadette and Amy _are_ friends. We don't know how the magic that affected her decided to erase her memories of you, if that's what happened."

"How could that not be what happened?" Penny asked. "One minute we were talking, the next minute she didn't have a clue who I was!" She looked around the room. "Maybe that book Maurice gave me has something about it in there. Book of Magic," she said, holding out her hands. "Come here."

The book appeared in her hands. She put it on her lap and opened it, flipping through the pages. "I don't know," she said, slamming it shut a minute later. "I can't find anything."

"I can look through it sometime," Leonard suggested. "Maybe I can find something that'll explain things." He glanced at his watch. "I should probably head out to get the food," he said. "Everyone will be here in less than 45 minutes."

Penny looked thoughtful. "Or," she said, "you could spend that time helping me with this book, then I could whip up dinner for everyone."

Leonard smiled at her. "Are you sure that's how you'd like to spend the next 45 minutes?"

"You got a better idea?" Penny asked, seductively.

"Maybe," Leonard replied, moving closer to her. "I could work a little of my _special_ magic on you."

"Mmmm," Penny purred. Leonard leaned forward, lips pursed, and she picked up the book and pushed it into his hands. "Book now, magic later," she suggested. "Tonight."

Leonard looked at her, then at the Book of Magic in his hands. "Well, all right," he said, cracking the book open. "But you owe me."

-=o=-

"Hello, Amy," Sheldon said, opening the door for her.

"Hello, Sheldon," she said, stepping into the apartment. "Thank you for inviting me to dinner tonight."

"Of course, Amy," Sheldon said, smiling at her. "Please come in and make yourself comfortable."

"Thank you," Amy said again. "By the way, although technically this is a date, it does not count as a Date Night, since on a date night the size of our group is limited to four, including another couple if we're on a double date."

"Aww." Sheldon looked disappointed. He looked around. "Raj, looks like you've got to go."

"What?" Raj looked up, surprised. "Really? Are you joking?"

"Why would I be joking?" Sheldon said, then paused. "Bazinga," he said, smiling broadly. "Of course I'm joking. Mostly."

"Sheldon, while I normally think your jokes are classic," Amy said. "In this case that one seemed in rather poor taste."

"I see I'm going to have to make some changes to the Relationship Agreement vis-à-vis your acceptance of my unique and charming style of humor," he said, as Amy sat down in the plush chair next to the sofa.

"You know," Sheldon said, walking back to his spot on the couch. "Amy, your arrival as the fifth person of our social group has reminded me of some interesting factoids. Would anyone like to hear?" A murmur of low groans and moans wafted across the room. Sheldon looked around. "I heard yes," he said. "Alright, then.

"Five is a prime number," Sheldon began. "And because it can be written in the form of two to the two to the first power, plus one, it is also a Fermat prime, and therefore a pentagram is a constructible regular polygon.

"There are five exceptional Lie groups," Sheldon went on. "Five Lagrange points in a two-body gravitational system, five circles in the Olympic symbol, and five hand positions in the game of Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock."

"Very interesting, Sheldon," Howard said. He raised his hand. "Gimme five!"

Sheldon stared at him. "Five what? Oh, I see, you're employing a cultural paradigm to congratulate me for my knowledge of the number five, that also uses the word 'five.' Very good, Howard, especially for someone who went to MIT and still doesn't possess a single doctorate." Howard sighed and lowered his hand.

Bernadette looked toward the door. "I wonder when Leonard's getting here with the food," she asked, trying to distract everyone, Sheldon included.

It worked. "I reminded him that dinner would be at six p.m.," Sheldon said. "It's 5:55 now. That time leaves him only five minutes to return here on time. Incidentally, he promised he wouldn't dawdle at Penny's."

Amy gave him a quizzical look. "Why would Leonard go all the way to Glendale for our food?" she asked.

"He wouldn't," Sheldon said. "He's going to Siam Palace."

"Then why did you say he was going to Penny's?" Amy asked. "The closest J.C. Penny's is in the Glendale Galleria."

"Amy," Bernadette turned and pointed toward the door. "He obviously meant Penny, across the hallway."

"What Penny are you talking about?" Amy asked. "I don't know a Penny across the hall."

The others looked at each other in confusion. "Of course you do, Amy," Sheldon said. "You've known her for three years now. There used to be a large picture of the two of you hanging in her apartment, which you had painted for her."

"I don't know what you're talking about, Sheldon," Amy said.

"Did you two have a fight?" Bernadette asked. "Are you mad at her?"

"I don't know who she is," Amy insisted. "Why do you all keep saying I know someone named Penny?"

Raj stood. "Alright," he said. "I'll get to the bottom of this. Penny will talk to me about it. I know about these sorts of things," he added knowingly.

"Maybe I should go with him," Bernadette suggested to Howard.

"Nah," Howard said. "Let the girls talk it out."

Raj shook his head, annoyed, and started toward the door.

"Alright, then," Sheldon said as Raj walked to the door. "And if Leonard's still over there, you tell those hens to stop clucking and for him to get a move on and get us our dinner."

Raj marched across the hall and knocked on 4B. "Who is it?" Penny's voice said, after a few seconds pause. "It's Raj," he said. "Can I talk to you?"

"Hang on." There were some unidentifiable sounds from inside the apartment, like someone was moving around in a hurry. Raj put his ear to the door to listen better, but all he could hear by then were footsteps moving toward the door. He stood up quickly as the door flew open. "Hi," Penny said, a bit breathlessly. "What's going on?"

"Penny, Penny, Penny," Raj said, shaking his head. "Have you been fighting with Amy? She's pretending she doesn't know who you are."

"Er—well, _yeah_, that's it," Penny agreed. "It's just a silly disagreement," she said quickly. "I'm sure we'll get over it soon enough."

"Well, I hope it's quickly," Raj said, sauntering into the apartment. He looked around for Leonard. "By the way," he asked. "Did Leonard head over to Siam Palace—" he caught sight of the cartons of food still on the coffee table. "What? Did you eat already?"

"No, no," Penny said. "That—" she pointed at the cartons. "That was from yesterday."

"You ate Thai yesterday?" Raj said, confused. "I thought Mondays were Thai takeout day."

"Well," Penny said, thinking furiously. "It was—it was Anything Can Happen Sunday!"

"What?" Raj exclaimed. "What the heck is _that_?"

"If Sheldon can have an Anything Can Happen Thursday then I can have an Anything Can Happen Sunday," Penny said, trying to sound logical.

Raj thought about that for a second. "Okay," he said, accepting it. "So are you coming over to eat with us when Leonard gets back?"

"Well…" Penny said, trying to stall. "You know, I can't think of a good reason not to, except—" she turned away and coughed into her elbow several times. "Except I may have caught a cold at work today," she said, sniffling as she turned back toward Raj.

Raj quickly stepped back. "Why didn't you say that before now! If Sheldon finds out I won't be allowed back into the apartment!" He covered his mouth and nose with both hands, turned and ran out of her apartment. He stuck his head back in a moment later, his mouth still covered. "See you later," he said through his hand, and disappeared, pulling the door closed.

Leonard emerged from Penny's bedroom. "Sounds like the cat's out of the bag over there," he said anxiously. "What do we do now?"

"You foolish mortals," Endora's disembodied voice chided him. "Always worrying about things you have no hope of understanding."

"Endora," Penny said, looking at the ceiling. "Stop fooling around and appear. I want to know what you found out."

Endora appeared next to Penny, dressed in light purple robes with a light green floor-length shawl covering them. "Really, granddaughter, don't you think you can do better than—this?" She gestured disdainfully toward Leonard.

"Maurice likes him," Penny said, defending him. "I don't see what your problem is."

"You will someday. Maurice never spent as much time with my mortal son-in-law as I did," Endora said, scornfully. "And he doted on our daughter Samantha entirely too much for her own good. Whatever she wanted, she got. Even Durbin," she added, ruefully.

"Alright, alright," Penny said impatiently. "What did the Council say?"

Endora put on a look of deep disappointment. "Unfortunately, they agreed with you, once they realized their secret was at risk and they talked with the Queen about the situation."

"The Queen?" Leonard said, confused. "The Queen of England?"

"No, silly boy," Endora said haughtily. "The Queen of Witches. Who is also my daughter Samantha, by the way."

"Your daughter is the Queen of Witches?" Penny said, surprised. "I didn't know witches had a queen."

"My dear, what you don't know about being a witch could fill a book," Endora informed her. She held out her hands, and the Book of Magic appeared in them. "Which is why Maurice gave this to you. I suggest you read through it as quickly and thoroughly as possible."

"I will," Penny promised, taking the book and setting it aside. "So when are they going to make Amy remember me?"

"It's not going to be quite that simple," Endora said, smirking. "The Council decided that since you got yourself into this situation, you had to get yourself out." She held out her hand. A small bottle appeared in it. "Your friend must drink this potion. Once she does so, she will remember you." Endora handed the bottle to Penny.

Penny eyed the bottle warily. "That's it? She just has to drink it?"

"Yes," Endora said. "But you cannot force her to drink it magically or it will have no effect. She must drink it of her own free will."

"Does she have to know what it's for?" Leonard asked.

"That's up to you," Endora said airily. She stood. "Well, I'm off to a midnight rendezvous on the Riviera with an old friend of mine. Ta-ta, Granddaughter," she said, giving Penny a kiss on the cheek. She looked at Leonard. "Farewell, Lumpkin," she said flatly, and vanished.

"It's _Leonard_," he said into the air, a little irritated. He looked at Penny. "You know, my mother is looking a lot better these days, compared to that woman."

"Don't worry about that now," Penny said dismissively. She held out the bottle Endora had given her. "You've got to get Amy to drink this."

"_Me_?" Leonard frowned. "How am I going to do that? _You're_ the one who made her forget you!"

"She's not going to drink a bottle of something from a total stranger!" Penny pointed out. "Right now, she's gotta trust you more than she would trust me!"

"She _hit me with a pillow_ when she found out Sheldon left town and I didn't stop him," Leonard reminded her. "_Repeatedly_. You were there. _And_ she thinks I'm boring and stuffy compared to Sheldon."

"Well, from her perspective, you kind of are," Penny said.

"Oh great," Leonard said, in mock horror. "Now even my _fiancée_ likes Sheldon more than me."

"Oh, I wouldn't go _that_ far," Penny quickly disabused him of that notion. "_Please_, Leonard? You've gotta do this for me!"

"Alright," Leonard said, taking the bottle. "But you owe me _big time_ now."

"Fix this for me," Penny said earnestly. "And tonight we'll make it a _Yee-Ha _night."

"Really," Leonard smiled, remembering their first Yee-Ha night of a few years ago. The next morning had been embarrassing but it had been worth it. "Okay. I'll give it my best shot."

-=o=-

Leonard glanced at his watch. "Damn, it's 6:03," he said, glumly. "Sheldon's going to be upset I'm late."

"Then we better get you over there," Penny said. "Here's your food." She snapped her fingers.

A large bag full of food cartons was suddenly in Leonard's hands. He looked inside the bag. "Good, it's Siam Palace," he said, nodding at Penny. He took a deep breath. "Wish me luck," he said, nervously.

Penny walked over and kissed him. "You'll do fine," she told him, then opened the door for him. Leonard walked out, heading for his own apartment, and Penny shut the door.

She looked over at her sofa, but shook her head. "I can't just wait around here," she muttered to herself. "I gotta see what happens." She looked down at herself. She was wearing a knitted top and dark slacks—appropriate clothing for a pharmaceutical rep, but for what she planned, something a bit _slinkier_ would be better, something more like what Endora had been wearing. She made a smoothing gesture down her sides with both hands.

Her clothes transformed into a dark, close-fitting gown similar to Endora's. "Okay so far," she said, then pressed her index fingers into her temples in concentration. "Come on, come on," she murmured, until she felt a tingling sensation run down her body. She was now invisible and intangible—perfect for spying on what was happening in Leonard and Sheldon's apartment. "Here goes nothing," she said, walking toward her apartment door. She passed _through_ the door as if it wasn't there. _Pretty cool_, she thought to herself.

In the hallway, she saw that the door of Leonard's apartment was open and Leonard was standing in the doorway. Sheldon, wearing a surgical mask, was blocking him from entering.

"How can you be sure you haven't inhaled any of Penny's germs?" Sheldon was saying, through the mask.

"I _didn't_, Sheldon," Leonard said, as patiently as he could. "I stayed at least an arm's length away when she told me she might have cold."

"Are you sure?" Sheldon persisted. "You two get pretty chummy, you know. Sometimes you're so close I don't think we could slip a graphene sheet between the two of you."

"I'm sure," Leonard said. "Scout's honor," he added, lying through his teeth. Sheldon always fell for the old _Scout's honor_ bit.

"And she didn't touch any of the food cartons in this bag?" Sheldon pointed at the food in Leonard's arms.

"Yes," Leonard said. "She was in the back seat the whole trip back. The food was in the front seat with me."

Sheldon stared at him for a long moment. "Not good enough," he said, shutting the door in Leonard's face. Penny covered her mouth with her hands so she wouldn't laugh out loud.

"Alright," inside the apartment, Sheldon was speaking to the other. "Who's going to volunteer to make another food run?"

"Sheldon, don't be crazy," Howard said. "Let Leonard in!"

"Sheldon," Leonard said loudly outside the door. "I have my key, I can still get in."

"I'm sure that's what Typhoid Mary said when her family put her out of their home," Sheldon shouted through the door.

"Sheldon, come on," Howard's voice said. "We wouldn't be eating if it wasn't for Leonard."

"We wouldn't be eating _late_ if it wasn't for Leonard's dawdling," Sheldon said.

"Sheldon, it's only 6:05," Bernadette said.

"And how do we know it hasn't been tainted by being in the car with a cold-infected Penny?" Sheldon demanded.

"The cartons are sealed," Bernadette. "And we could reheat them to make sure."

"First it's the food," Sheldon argued. "Then the trains start to run late. The next thing you know the cure for the zombie apocalypse doesn't reach Washington in time and the whole world turns into the walking dead. Is _that_ what you want? Well, _is it_?"

"Sheldon, don't be ridiculous," Amy said. She opened the door. "Come in, Leonard."

"Thank you, Amy," Leonard said, walking inside. Invisible, Penny followed him in, stepping out of the way as Amy shut the door behind him. She walked back toward her seat, and Leonard set the bag of food on the coffee table, then grabbed his desk chair and rolled it next to Amy; he wanted to be sure to sit next to her, so he could figure out some way to get her to drink the memory-restoring potion in his pocket.

As Leonard stepped toward the coffee table, Sheldon held up his hands. "Ah-ah!" he warned. "You just keep your distance, Mr. Germy." He reached into the bag of food and pulled out a carton. "Here, Amy—you let him in, so you can hand him his food," he said, giving it to her.

"Fine, Sheldon," Amy said, handing the carton and a fork to Leonard.

"Thank you, Amy," Leonard said, settling back into his chair.

Sheldon was handing other cartons to Bernadette and Howard, who were sitting next to him on the couch. He passed another carton to Raj, who had sat on the floor next to Howard. The final carton from the bag he handed to Amy, then sat back with his own food and the group began eating.

Invisible, Penny watched anxiously as Leonard dug into his carton and began eating the mee crob noodles and chicken. He wasn't saying anything! _Nobody_ was saying anything! Not even Sheldon, which was something of a miracle!

What could she do to help Leonard, Penny wondered. She couldn't think of anything that didn't involve magic, and using magic on Amy would make the potion she had to take ineffective against her amnesia. Penny fretted, biting her lip as she tried to come up with some way to help Leonard indirectly.

Leonard suddenly looked up. "How have you been, Amy?" he asked her. "Feeling okay these days?"

Amy looked at him blankly. "I'm fine," she said. "Why do you ask?"

"Oh, no reason," Leonard said, shrugging. He looked down again, but turned back to her almost immediately. "Maybe I shouldn't mention it, but I thought you looked a bit peaked. Are you feeling tired?"

"Really, I'm fine," Amy said. Penny stared at her. She did look fine, but Penny understood Leonard's game here—he was trying to suggest that Amy wasn't feeling well, in an effort to make her think she wasn't feeling well so he could offer her the potion as medicine that would help her. If Penny could somehow make her sneeze…

But simply making her sneeze using witchcraft might cause the potion not to work! Penny frowned in frustration, then noticed several packets of pepper on the coffee table. Could she do something with that? Penny decided to risk it. She pointed at a packet of pepper. The end disappeared and a thin stream of pepper shot out and up Amy's nose. Amy shook her head, rubbing her nose, then sneezed!

Sheldon pushed himself back against the couch, looking at her in horror. "You sneezed!" he said looking at her with wide, fearful eyes. "Did you catch what Leonard has?!"

"I'm fine, Sheldon," Amy said. "It was just a—" she suddenly sneezed again.

Sheldon stood and ran around behind the couch. "You gave it to her!" he accused Leonard.

"Sheldon, _I'm_ not sneezing," Leonard protested, but he hid a small smile behind his carton of food. This was working out better than he'd hoped! His powers of suggestion had convinced Amy she was sick!

Leonard reached into his pocket. "It's probably because I took some of this," he said, holding up a small bottle.

"What's that?" Amy asked, sneezing again.

"It's medication that relieves your symptoms if you have a cold," Leonard said.

"Take it! Take it!" Sheldon said to Amy.

"Hold on," Bernadette interrupted. "What is that stuff? Where did you get it from?"

"I got it from a friend at work," Leonard said. "He takes it whenever he feels a cold coming on."

"What friend?" Raj wanted to know. "All your friends are in this room."

"I do know other people, Raj," Leonard informed him.

"I never see you talking to anyone except me, Sheldon and Howard."

"Well they're there," Leonard said shortly. "Would you like some or not?" he said to Amy. He put his hand on the lid. "If not, I'm just going to drink the rest of it myself."

"Take it, take it!" Sheldon urged again.

"I don't know, Amy," Bernadette said. "I wouldn't take any medication if I didn't know where it came from."

"Then how come you're always offering me medicine from your company?" Amy asked.

"Because I _do_ know where that comes from," Bernadette snapped. "I helped develop a lot of it! But if _you're_ so smart I guess you can do what you want."

Amy looked at the bottle in Leonard's hand. Invisibly, Penny crossed her fingers. "I suppose," Amy said slowly, "I will…pass this time. You can take it, Leonard." Silently, Penny smacked her face with her palm.

Leonard stood there for several seconds holding the lid of the bottle, trying to figure out what to do next. "I will," he finally said. "I'll take it later," he added. "I'm just going to go put it with my other medications." He turned and slowly walked down the hall toward his room.

Amy suddenly sneezed. Sniffling, she spoke again. "Wait, Leonard. Maybe I will try it."

"Oh, good," Leonard breathed, turning and quickly walking back to her.

"What did you say?" Amy asked as she took the bottle from him.

"Oh. I said, 'Here you go,'" Leonard said in a solicitous tone. "Just open the top and drink it down." Amy took the lid off and poured the contents down her throat.

"Mmm, not bad," Amy said, looking at the bottle. "Interestingly, it reminds me of some peppermint schnapps I tried once at Penny's." She looked around the room. "Where is Penny, by the way? I thought she would be here tonight."

"She was delayed," Leonard said, relieved.

"She's not coming," Sheldon said at the same moment.

"Well, which is it?" Amy asked.

Penny hurriedly ran through the door, materialized, and knocked on the door. Leonard intuitively sensed who it was. "I'll bet that's her," he said, walking briskly to the door and opening it. "Hi, honey—" he said, then stopped dead, looking at what she was wearing. "Have—have you been sleeping?" he asked.

Penny looked down. She was still wearing the black witch's costume. "Oops, sorry," she said. "I forgot what I was wearing."

"It's okay," Leonard said, as she came in. "It looks—interesting."

The others were craning for a view. "Hey, bestie," Amy said. "How come I've never seen you wearing _that_ before? It suits you perfectly. Of course, everything you wear suits you perfectly," she added, as a matter of fact.

"What, this old thing?" Penny said disparagingly. "It's just something I found in the back of my closet." She came over and sat next to Amy in the plush chair.

Leonard went over to the food bag, still sitting on the coffee table. "There's nothing else in it," Sheldon said. "Penny will just have to share your meal, Leonard." Leonard looked over at Penny and gave a half-shrug.

"Look again, sweetie," Penny said, pointing at the bag. Leonard reached in and pulled out another carton of food. "I guess you missed that one, Sheldon," she said, smiling at him as Leonard handed it to her and sat down in his chair with his own meal. Sheldon, perplexed, looked into the bag again, then picked it up and looked at the bottom, as if trying to figure out where the last carton had come from.

"How'd you do that?" he said to Penny. "I was _sure_ there was no more food in there!"

"Maybe I can make food appear as well as disappear," Penny said, smiling at him. She glanced over at Leonard, who was smiling as well.

"You're never going to beat my mother, though," Howard said. "She's still the all-time champion food magician. Did you know she once made a whole chicken disappear?"

"Yes," everyone in the room answered.

-=o=-

Later, after the meal and a spirited discussion of the merits of a neurobiology doctorate versus a theoretical physics doctorate in a post-apocalyptic future, Penny and Leonard went back in her apartment, where Leonard gravitated toward Penny's Book of Magic. "I've wondered what kind of stuff is in this book," he told her, leafing through it.

Penny was making tea for them. "Oh, you know," she said. "Levitation, dematerialization, invisibility, flying. Stuff like that."

"It all sounds amazing," Leonard murmured, studying the book in more detail. "But none of this seems to make any sense. Listen to this," he said, and started reading from the book.

"_Ay vigoru linore nes eres nilerar etocamij na ares et peguco leje voneve, pebat ovorane cis minur. Roda sadod dase doyiefed 'lesoloronu' at otie lokaca iyecere resic nidande ec sodulat_."

He looked up as Penny handed him a cup of tea. "Huh," she said, looking where he was reading. "I can read it perfectly fine," she said, then began reading what Leonard had read.

"A useful ability in the mortal realm is the ability to make oneself intangible, or imperceptible by normal objects," she read. "This renders the witch 'ghostlike' in that they can pass through solid barriers and objects." She pointed to the text. "I was totally doing that earlier," she said.

"What, being intangible?" Leonard asked, looking at her in surprise.

"Yeah!" she nodded. "I mean, when you left my apartment earlier I turned myself invisible, then I walked through the door to follow you over to your place."

"That's amazing!" Leonard said, fascinated. "You're really getting into this witchcraft, aren't you?"

"Well, you know," Penny said, turning philosophical. "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I survived becoming a witch, so I'm going to make the most of it. Even if nobody can know about it but you," she added, a bit sadly.

"Well, you never know," Leonard said, moving closer to her and rubbing her back. "It's not that you _can't_ tell anyone," he reminded her. "It's just that they need to be a true friend to you before you do."

"I know, but—" Penny sighed, exasperated. "I've known Amy for _years_ now. It hurts to find out that she doesn't really consider me a friend. Or maybe I don't consider her one. I don't know!"

"Hey, hey," Leonard said soothingly, trying to calm her fears. "You and Amy _are_ friends. I mean, even if she does have kind of a weird, sexually ambiguous attraction to you—"

"I know," Penny muttered. "That is _totally_ weird."

"At least her social skills are better than Sheldon's," Leonard went on. "Actually, better than mine in some ways, now that I think about it—she got me to dance when I went to that wedding reception with her a few years back."

"Yeah, she told me," Penny was smiling. "She was afraid afterwards you'd fallen in love with her."

"Really?" Leonard laughed. "Why would she think that?"

"Probably for the same reason Sheldon always thought I was madly in love with him," Penny grinned. "It's all about the Shamy!"

They both laughed. Penny's smile turned sultry. "Is it about rodeo time?" she asked him.

Leonard nodded eagerly. "Oh, I'm always ready for rodeo time," he agreed, leaning closer to her. "Yee-haa," he said, as they kissed.

-=o=-

**A/N: Readers, please let me know what you think of this episode. Penny is learning magic pretty fast. How do you think this new knowledge will affect her and others around her? Would her feelings toward Leonard start to change, as he feared in the first episode? How much does this change the dynamics of their relationship? And how much will the restriction of talking about her magic affect Penny? **

**Some upcoming episode ideas:  
><strong>"**The Teleportation Secret" — Penny learns to travel using magic.  
><strong>"**The Love Spell Confabulation" — Penny meets her cousin Serena, who takes an interest in Leonard.**


	3. The Teleportation Secret

.

**Episode Three**

**The Teleportation Secret**

_Updated_ 11/21/2014

**-=o=-**

Penny turned into the parking lot of 2311 North Los Robles and found an open spot close to the door for a change. She pulled in, turned off her engine, then rolled her head, trying to work out the stiffness in her neck from the day's activities. One of her last sales follow-ups for the week had been at Dr. Lorvis's office, and though the man was no longer infatuated with her, he still kept asking her questions about Amy's dating availability. At least she would be able to relax and unwind this weekend, she thought as she gathered up her purse and the attaché case of her pharmaceutical supplies and literature.

Sighing wearily, she exited her vehicle, staring at the walk that led around the corner to the front door of the apartment building. That, and a four-flight walk up was all that separated her from her home. Four long flights of stairs. Penny looked around, seeing no one nearby. This was as good an opportunity as any to practice one of her new skills. She snapped her fingers and disappeared.

A moment later she was in her apartment. It worked! Ever since Endora had shown her how to teleport, she had been working on the ability on her own. Up until now she'd been practicing small trips inside her apartment: kitchen to bedroom, bedroom to bathroom, building up her skill. Last night she had popped all the way from the laundry room back to her apartment. And now she had done it from the parking lot!

She sighed again, this time happy to be home, and dropped her purse and jacket on the sofa. It was after five, so Leonard and Sheldon should be home, too, she thought, going to her front door and opening it. She started through the door, only to halt suddenly as she realized Leonard was standing just outside.

"Whoops!" she said, narrowly avoiding colliding as Leonard started, staring at her in surprise; he then stuck his phone, on which he'd been texting, back in his pocket.

"Sorry!" he said, smiling awkwardly at her. "I was just texting you to find out where you were. I guess you didn't hear me knocking just now?" he asked.

"Come in," Penny said, avoiding the question for the moment. As Leonard entered the apartment she kissed him. "How was your week?" she asked.

"Busy," he said. "You remember I mentioned the detection of primordial gravity waves a few months ago?" Penny nodded, hoping Leonard wasn't going to ask how much she remembered, because she had no idea what he was talking about.

"Well, I learned earlier this week we got a grant to study them in more detail," Leonard went on. "I'm supposed to write up a grant proposal to study them."

"Well, that's great!" Penny smiled, giving him a hug. "Now we have something to celebrate in Vegas this weekend."

"Yeah," Leonard said, not looking her in the eye. "Well, here's the thing…"

"What thing?" Penny said, her mood immediately turning sour.

"I have to hand in my proposal Monday morning," Leonard said. "So that means I have to finish it this weekend. So that means I'm not going to be able to go to Vegas with you and everybody. But that doesn't mean _you_ can't go!" he added, as her expression fell. "I know you didn't have much chance to have fun when you, Amy and Bernadette went there a month ago." Penny had gone along, too, but she had to curtail her fun there to study for her field ride at her new job the following Monday.

"Leonard!" Penny huffed. "Can't you get that done tonight?"

"I tried," Leonard said. "I _really_ tried, but—" he glanced toward the door. "Sheldon has been trying to help me write the proposal, because he wants to use my data in his dark matter research.

"So, needless to say, I didn't get much done this week," he concluded. "I'm hoping with him in Vegas I can get it finished by Sunday night and hand it in to the Grant Committee Monday morning. That's why you ought to go, too," he added. "It's going to be pretty boring around here with me up to my eyebrows in work."

"I doubt if I'll have any more fun with Raj and Emily along this time," Penny complained. "That woman just doesn't like me."

"Well, to be honest, she has a good reason," Leonard said. Penny stared balefully at him. "Okay, it's not a _good_ good reason," Leonard amended. "But if she thinks you slept with Raj—"

"But I _didn't_!" Penny exploded. "We got drunk and fooled around a bit, but nothing happened!" She took a deep breath. "At least, not for _me_. Raj said he had a beautiful experience. I think he even kept the condom."

"Ewww," Leonard made a face. "That's gross."

"Tell me about it," Penny grumbled. "Anyway, if you're not going, I'm not going, either. We can go there another time." Leonard nodded, smiled. "And get any ideas about visiting a wedding chapel out of your head right now," Penny added.

Leonard laughed, at the same time mentally crossing off some plans he'd been working on. "Since we aren't going to Vegas tomorrow," he asked. "Would you like to do something tonight, before I get started on my grant writing?"

"Hmm," Penny looked thoughtful. "Well, earlier this week a doctor told me about this nice little Italian place in North Hollywood on Magnolia Boulevard that he likes to go to. I was thinking about going there."

"That sounds nice," Leonard said. "Umm, you mean with me, don't you?"

"Of course I mean with you!" Penny said, laughing. "Leonard, stop worrying, I'm being careful when I'm with doctors now. I make sure not to flirt too much with them."

"Okay, good," Leonard breathed a sigh of relief. Then— "Uh, how much is _too_ much…?"

"Will you stop it?" Penny said, secretly pleased Leonard was a bit jealous.

"All right," Leonard said. "So," he pondered, drawing a map in his head. "North Hollywood on a Friday night. It'll take us at least a half-hour to get there."

Penny put an innocent look on her face. "Maybe not."

"Really? Why-why not?" Leonard studied her a moment. "Do you have some hocus-pocus in mind?"

Penny smiled, nodding. "You saw how Maurice and Endora can appear and disappear? It's called teleporting in the Book of Magic, but witches and warlocks commonly refer to it as popping in or popping out."

"You mean you can disappear from one location and reappear somewhere else, like in Harry Potter?" Leonard asked.

"Yes," Penny said. "But for the last time, it's _not_ like Harry Potter," she reminded him. In Harry Potter traveling magically was called Apparating, and it was a very unpleasant experience. "If I had to go through _that_ I'd rather walk. I just think of where I want to be and poof, a moment later I'm there. Do you remember how Maurice took us to the Grand Canyon the day we met him? One moment we were here, the next we were there. It's just like that."

"Well, I'm game," Leonard said. "If-if you're sure you can handle the both of us."

"Pretty sure," Penny said confidently. "Mostly," she added, hopefully.

"Okay," Leonard said. "_Sure_ you don't want me to drive? It's-it's no trouble, really," he assured her, looking a little nervous.

"Leonard, I can do it," Penny said in a firm voice. "It took me almost a month to figure out, but I've been practicing for several days now and I've got the hang of it."

"Okay," Leonard agreed. "So there's, there's no chance of Splinching, is there?"

"No," Penny said, her patience beginning to fray. "Listen, if we go now we can probably beat the Friday night rush."

"Okay," Leonard agreed. "Let me go change real quick." He started for the door.

"No time, she said, gesturing at him. Leonard's jeans, T-shirt, windbreaker and sneakers transformed into a sport suit, white shirt and black leather shoes.

Leonard looked down at himself. "Nice!" he said. "I should have you dress me more often!"

"Believe me, I've wanted to," she said, grabbing her purse off the sofa and taking his arm. "Are you ready?"

Leonard took a deep breath. "Ready," he said.

"Here we go," Penny said. She raised her hand and snapped her fingers. They vanished.

Three knocks sounded on the door. "Leonard and Penny?" a familiar voice said. This was repeated three times. There was no response from inside apartment 4B.

"Huh." Outside the apartment, Sheldon was staring at the door. "Where could they have run off to so quickly?" He wondered aloud, to himself. "We've only been home for 15 minutes, and it's too early to eat yet. Hmm. I wonder…"

Sheldon went back into his apartment and returned a moment later with Penny's apartment key. He let himself into her apartment. Of course they would have left a note for him if they had gone somewhere. But after several minutes of searching, including the contents of Leonard's old attaché case, which still had his combination code of 314, he had come up empty-handed.

"I can't understand it," Sheldon muttered, looking around the apartment for any places he might've missed. "Where could they have gone? And why did they hide that note so well? You'd think they didn't want me along. Oh, well…" Sheldon left the apartment, locking the door behind him and resigning himself to a call to the pizza parlor, planning on reviving Vintage Video Game night. His old PS2 needed dusting off, and so did his copy of _Grand Theft Auto III_.

**-=o=-**

The restaurant on Magnolia Boulevard was Antonio's Bella Vista Café, with a quiet, unassuming exterior. Penny and Leonard appeared across the street in a parking lot half-filled with cars. Leonard looked around, then pointed to a sign over the building that said "Antonio's Bella Vista."

As they crossed the street Leonard noticed the building next to the restaurant was a casting agency, and that Penny was staring at it, too. "Kind of a coincidence," he said, looking where she was looking.

"Yeah," she said in a wistful tone, and nothing else.

Inside the restaurant a young woman greeted them and took them to a table. "Here you are," she said, showing them to a small booth along a windowless wall. She set two glasses of water in front of them. "Enjoy your meal." She placed menus in front of them and hurried away as more people were starting to come in.

"Looks like we got here just in time," Penny said with a smug smile.

Leonard looked around the dining room. He and Penny were currently the only people seated. "We sure did," he agreed, trying not to sound sarcastic. "Look," he went on, after a few moments of silence, "I really am sorry we can't go to Vegas this weekend—"

"Don't worry about it," Penny waved dismissively. "I understand. I had to blow off my weekend in Vegas studying work stuff, too."

"I know, but that was a last-minute thing," Leonard said. "I've been trying to get my grant written all this week. It just didn't work out."

"I know," Penny nodded wisely. "But you know what they say—the best-laid plans of mice and men, oft get blown away by Sheldon."

Leonard smiled broadly. "They say that, do they?"

"So I hear," Penny said. She picked up her glass of water. "But enough about Sheldon. We're here to enjoy our evening together, so let's enjoy."

"Let's," Leonard agreed, picking up his water glass and clinking it against Penny's.

**-=o=-**

At that same moment three women were settling into their seats at a table in a Pasadena drinking establishment.

"Thank you for meeting us here," Amy said as Emily set her purse down next to her chair. "Bernadette and I thought we should have a talk about—things—before we all went on this Vegas trip."

"Thank you for inviting me," Emily said, smiling shyly. "I want this weekend to go smoothly for Raj and me as well, too."

"We do, too," Bernadette added. "That's why we thought we should talk to you about Penny."

Emily looked a little taken aback. "Oh," she said; her tone made it obvious that subject wasn't something she'd expected or wanted to talk about. "Has she said something to you about me?"

"No, nothing like that," Bernadette said quickly. "It's just that we know the two of you don't get along."

"Don't get along at _all_," Amy added, staring off into space, almost like she was speaking to herself.

"Right," Bernadette said, hoping Amy would stop speaking. "We just wanted to point out that the thing between her and Raj is over."

"_So_ over," Amy muttered.

"And Penny is engaged to Leonard now," Bernadette continued. "There's really nothing to worry about between the two of them."

"Unless you dump Raj like his last girlfriend did," Amy put in. "That hit him so hard he started talking to women even _without_ being plastered! Imagine that!" she snorted, laughing. "I still want to dissect his brain," she added, talking to herself again.

Both Emily and Bernadette were giving Amy odd looks. Emily turned back to Bernadette. "Look, I get it," she said quietly. "Penny's been your friend a long time and I'm the new girl here. I'm not supposed to make waves."

"Oh, it's not that," Amy said. "I was the new girl before you and everyone welcomed me into the group. Well, except for Leonard, who was a bit of a stick-in-the-mud about it," she muttered.

"Oh, that's not true, is it?" Bernadette asked, a big smile plastered across her face to hide her annoyance with Amy. "Leonard's a great guy. Just ask Penny—she'll tell you."

"Well, that's kind of the problem, Bernadette," Amy said, and Bernadette recognized the signs of Amy going into "Sheldon Mode"—a state where she became condescending and arrogant about her neuro-scientific knowledge. "Penny's feelings for Leonard have blinded her to his faults, to the point where she thinks there is nothing he can do wrong. I mean, have you ever seen someone who is as blithely unaware of their significant other's faults as Penny is?"

Bernadette was silent for several seconds. "I suppose not," she finally said, biting her tongue in front of Emily on the obvious retort.

"Well, there you go," Amy shrugged. "Case closed."

Bernadette's phone beeped. She pulled it out of her purse. "Oh," she said, disappointed. "Penny just texted me," she said. "Leonard can't go to Vegas this weekend, so she's staying home, too."

"Oh no," Amy looked unhappy. "She said she was going to teach me to gamble! Now what'll I do this weekend?" She slumped, looking morose.

"Well, we _are_ going to Vegas," Bernadette reminded her, her voice turning sarcastic. "I'm sure there are a _few other things_ you can do while we're there, maybe even with Sheldon!"

"I don't know," Amy said, doubtfully. "Sheldon said he was planning on spending the entire weekend at the Pinball Hall of Fame."

"Well," Emily said, downing the last of her drink. "I think we're done here for now." She turned to Bernadette. "Raj and I will be at your apartment at 8 tomorrow morning. Then we'll all meet at the Mirage around noon for lunch and to check-in to our rooms."

"That's the plan," Bernadette agreed. "I guess Amy can drive if Leonard and Penny aren't going." All three of them stood. "See you tomorrow," she said to Emily, who nodded and left.

Bernadette watched her leave. "I wonder if Penny decided not to go because of her," she said, thinking out loud.

"It's probably Leonard," Amy surmised. "Ever since they got engaged the poor girl's been in his thrall. So sad," she said, picking up her purse as Bernadette dropped some bills on the table for their drinks, and they left, too.

**-=o=-**

"I don't think I can go," Sheldon Cooper said, suitcase in hand, beige and tan jacket on his thin frame, standing in the living room of apartment 4A at 2311 N. Los Robles. "In fact," he added, setting down the suitcase. "I _know_ I can't."

"Sheldon!" Leonard, sitting at his desk, spun in his chair to face his roommate. "It's okay. I don't need your help to write up my proposal."

"You may not _think_ you do, Leonard," Sheldon retorted knowingly. "But you do."

"Sheldon—" Amy began.

"Now, Amy," Sheldon cut her off. "I know you had your heart set on going to Vegas, with its shady gambling dives, its gaudily-painted women, and its alcoholism-inducing free liquor, and I don't want to stand in the way of you debauching yourself, but the only thing I'm addicted to is knowledge, and lord knows Leonard needs as much help as he can get in his feeble attempts to acquire the grant money he needs to get me the knowledge I require for my dark matter research."

"Yeah, Amy," Leonard said, his tone laced with sarcasm that she would get but Sheldon would think was high praise. "Don't be hatin' on Sheldon's dark matter knowledge."

"Fine," Amy said, seeming to acquiesce. "Sheldon, I didn't want to mention this, but I have here in my purse two tickets to the Southern Nevada Railway, which I purchased online last night."

Sheldon looked at her, surprised. "A train ride? In Las Vegas?"

"Yes," Amy nodded. "And if you enjoy the ride on Saturday, we can see about going again on Sunday so you can be 'Engineer for an Hour.'"

"Oh!" Sheldon gasped. He looked at Leonard. "You're on your own, kid." He suddenly ran back into his room, returning a moment later with his engineer's cap. "Let's go!" he said, walking out of the apartment and down the stairs.

"Sorry you can't come," Amy said to Leonard.

"I am, too," Leonard said. "I was hoping to spending some time with Penny, take in a few of the shows. But it'll be okay, we'll go some other weekend."

"Good luck with your grant proposal," Amy said, then walked to the door. "Tell Penny goodbye for me," she said. "In fact, I wonder where she's at now. I thought she would be here to see us off."

"Well, I think last night she said she was going to stay up late studying," Leonard said. "She's probably sleeping in right now."

"Of course," Amy said. "Well, goodbye."

"Bye, Amy," Leonard said, turning back to his computer.

Amy closed the door to apartment 4A behind her. Instead of going down the stairs, however, she walked across the hall to 4B and knocked on the door.

Nearly a half-minute later the door opened, revealing a Penny in a T-shirt and shorts, her hair tied up and rubbing sleep from her eyes. "Amy?" she said blearily. "What's up?"

"Are you _sure_ you don't want to come with us?" Amy said, her tone almost pleading. "I really _was_ looking forward to learning how to gamble after I put Sheldon to bed."

"Sorry," Penny said, stifling a huge yawn. "I was too, but it just won't be the same without Leonard there."

"That just makes it all the easier," Amy argued. "We won't have to ditch him so we can hit the gaming tables."

"Sorry, Amy," Penny apologized. "The truth is, I'd probably come with you if Emily wasn't along as well. I'm going to go back to sleep," she said, and closed the door.

"I _knew_ it," Amy muttered. "It's that skank's fault!" She turned and walked to the stairs. "I wonder if Bernadette brought along anything that could _induce_ a case of the flu…"

**-=o=-**

By Saturday evening Leonard's grant was about two-thirds completed and Leonard was dozing in front of his computer, exhausted from working nearly non-stop for the past 12 hours. Penny had come over and made him a sandwich in the afternoon, insisting he eat something, but Leonard had remained at his computer while he ate, still working on the parameters of the tests he would design for primordial gravity wave data collection. His breathing was slow and regular as he slumped over his keyboard.

Penny, dressed in a colorful T-shirt and pants, opened the apartment door slowly. Seeing Leonard, she smiled ruefully, both proud and concerned about his dedication to getting his job done, then slipped inside and quietly shut the door. The poor sweetie probably hadn't eaten anything since the sandwich she'd made him six hours ago.

She'd come over empty-handed, but that wouldn't stop her from whipping up something for Leonard. She held out her hand, her fingers half-closed as if she were holding a cup, and a mug of hot soup appeared. "Leonard," she said softly, approaching him. "Wake up. Here's something for you to eat."

Leonard sat up. "Huh? What?" he muttered, rubbing his face tiredly.

"Here's some soup," Penny said, handing him the mug.

"Oh, thank you, sweetheart," Leonard said, sipping from the mug. He smiled up at her. "This is pretty good," he said. "What is it?"

"It's chicken tortilla soup," she said. "I thought you'd like it better than chicken noodle. You're only supposed to have that when you're sick," she added, half-joking. As Leonard sipped at the mug she asked, "So how's the grant writing going?"

"Pretty good," Leonard said, rubbing his face tiredly. "I'm almost done."

"Really?" Penny was happy to hear that. "How much longer?"

"Only about seven or eight more hours," Leonard said.

"Leonard, more eight hours of work is _not_ 'almost done.'"

"I thought I could get it done tonight," Leonard said hopefully. "Then you and I could meet everyone in Vegas tomorrow."

"It's 8 o'clock," Penny told him. "Unless you're going to work all night you won't get done until four or five in the morning. And then you're going to need to rest so you can go to work on Monday. Leonard, I don't think we're going to Vegas this weekend."

"I can do it," Leonard insisted. "I can probably wrap this up by midnight, sleep to seven or eight a.m., then we can do that 'popping out' thing you do to Vegas. You'll see," he said, setting the cup on the table, then leaning forward as he fell asleep again.

"Oh, sweetie," Penny murmured, feeling sorry that Leonard was so exhausted he was falling asleep sitting at his computer. "You really need some rest." She gestured toward him and both she and Leonard disappeared.

They appeared in his bedroom; Leonard on his bed and Penny standing next to him. She gestured again and his clothes changed to his favorite pair of pajamas. She made a sweeping motion and the cover and bedsheets slid down the bed beneath him; then, with another motion they covered him. With a final gesture his glasses rose from his face and landed on the night table next to him. "Sleep tight," she said, kissing him on the forehead.

"Thank you, Mother," Leonard murmured in his sleep.

Penny rolled her eyes and popped back to her apartment. She sat down and picked up the Book of Magic to read, but she'd been studying it all week and she wanted something else to do. She'd been practicing moving and guiding objects with her magic, and had gotten so she could make a pair of dice do whatever she wanted—she could roll any number, any combination she wanted. Idly, she picked up the pair of dice she'd been using from the coffee table, shook them in her hand, and rolled them across the table. They stopped at the very edge showing a one and a six—a natural seven. Too bad it would be wrong for her to use her power in Vegas, she thought.

She picked up the mail she'd pulled from her mailbox this morning. She'd barely glanced at it before but one of the pieces caught her attention. It was from one of her credit card companies and there was a broad red line across the front—a sure sign of a late notice. She sighed, opening the envelope and gaped at the amount due. It was well into five figures. It was going to be a long time, even on her new salary, before she could pay off this debt. She and Leonard would probably be long married before that happened, and she didn't want to burden him with problems she'd created for herself. She glanced back at the dice.

The Book of Magic had warned her that there could be consequences to using magic in the mortal world. She couldn't just cancel her credit card debt—someone at the credit card companies would notice, and there'd be inquiries for her to deal with. She might even get someone fired if they couldn't explain how Penny's credit card debt had vanished into thin air.

On the other hand, people having wins at a Vegas casino probably happened all the time. You always heard about someone striking it rich on one of the slot machines or something like that. Who would notice, really, if she won, say, 10,000 dollars over the course of an evening? Or even $20,000? Or $40,000?

No, she shouldn't be greedy, Penny decided. Ten thousand dollars in one night was plenty. She stood, spreading her arms slightly, and her clothes were instantly replaced with a dark red cocktail dress with a plunging neckline. Her feet now wore a pair of black pumps, increasing her height about three inches. A small black and silver Milly clutch she had seen in a Nordstrom's catalog completed her ensemble.

She opened the clutch and looked inside. The only thing she needed now was money. Making money out of nothing was probably not a good idea—you never knew when two bills with the same serial numbers might end up in the same hands. Both bills would be indistinguishable from real money (they both would _be_ real money), but different bills were not supposed to have the same serial numbers. Well, there was an easy answer. She snapped her fingers.

Leonard's wallet appeared in her hand. She opened it, finding two twenties and a ten inside, along with an ATM slip. Leonard had visited the bank recently. Well, she would return this money to him, _with interest_, when she returned from Vegas. She dropped the bills in her clutch, put Leonard's wallet on her coffee table, took a deep breath to mentally prepare herself to pop out, and vanished.

**-=o=-**

"I've never been so insulted in my life!" Sheldon declared as he, Amy, Howard, Bernadette, Raj and Emily left the elevator on the ground floor of the Mirage Hotel in Las Vegas. "How can they _ban_ me from the Southern Nevada Railway for life?"

"In fairness, Sheldon," Amy replied pragmatically. "You did try to tell the engineer how to drive the train."

"Because he was doing it _wrong_," Sheldon insisted. "The correct signal when approaching a crossing is two long, one short, then another long. The engineer did one long, one short, then a long and a short one again! That's an entirely different signal!"

At the back of the group, Emily whispered to Raj. "Is he always like this?"

"It could be worse," Raj shrugged. "I'm surprised the hotel hasn't kicked us out yet."

"Give him time," Howard muttered. "We haven't had dinner yet."

"Speaking of dinner," Bernadette said. "Where should we eat?"

Sheldon looked around. "As Saturday is usually my laundry night, I usually have another bowl of cereal, usually from the high-fiber side of the cereal row. Which of the restaurants here serve high-fiber cereal?"

"Sheldon, come on," Howard said. "They have everything here from steaks to Starbucks, from burgers to frozen yogurt. You can have whatever you want."

"I want Raisin Bran," Sheldon said, stubbornly. Howard sighed, frustrated.

"I'll thank you to keep your mind on your own colon, my good man," Sheldon snapped, then turned and walked into the nearest restaurant to inquire about cereal availability.

"Yep, we're getting kicked out of the hotel," Howard said. The rest of the group followed Sheldon into the restaurant.

**-=o=-**

One of the things Endora had told Penny about teleporting—or "popping" as it was commonly called—was when you arrived in places where mortals were usually found it was best to arrive invisible and intangible, then materialize once you'd gotten your bearings.

So when Penny arrived in the atrium of the casino where she, Bernadette and Amy had recently tried to have a fun weekend, she was unnoticed by anyone there. Which was fortunate for her, as she staggered on her heels and nearly fell. Traveling that far in a single pop had left her weakened and dizzy. _Whoa_, she thought, moving toward a nearby empty chair and dropping into it. _That was a lot harder than I expected_. No one was looking her way so she materialized, then conjured up a glass of water to drink to steady herself.

She sat there for almost a minute before she stood and looked around for the gaming table rooms. The casino area was nearby so she took another deep breath, made sure her hair was in place, then walked through the slots and other gaming areas to the high limit lounge.

Penny stood at the entrance for several seconds, deciding what she'd like to try first. She wanted to play craps, the game she'd planned to show to Amy, but wasn't sure how long it would take her to win $10,000—craps betting other than hitting your point number mystified Penny, but as long as you didn't bet all your money on one roll it was a good game to teach to others.

"Excuse me."

Penny turned, looking at the gentleman who had appeared at her elbow with surprise. He was tall and handsome, impeccably dressed in a nicely tailored suit and holding a highball glass. "Are you waiting for someone?" the man asked her.

"No," she said, smiling automatically as years of experience had taught her to do. "Just deciding which game I'd like to play tonight."

"I would be pleased if you would join me at the roulette table," the man said, gesturing toward a nearby table. "When I saw you I had a sudden intuition that you would be lucky for me tonight."

Years of experience had also taught Penny to recognize a come-on line when she heard one. Not that it mattered much—she had no intention of doing anything except winning a lot of money for an hour or two, then heading back to Pasadena. "Aren't you sweet?" she said, deciding then and there that roulette would be her game tonight. "Yes, I will join you at the roulette table."

"Excellent," the man said. "Would you care for something to drink?" he asked, at the same time raising his hand for a server. One appeared almost immediately. He looked inquiringly at Penny.

"Oh, just—" Penny thought quickly. "A glass of champagne, please." It was one of the most expensive drinks you could order. She watched to gauge the man's reaction. He didn't bat an eye as he nodded to the waitress, who immediately headed toward the bar as the man offered his arm to escort her. She placed her hand in the crook of his arm and they walked over to the table. The wheel was European style, with a single zero; Penny had been told that the odds were slightly better on this type of table than on an American style wheel, which had both zero and double-zero slots on the wheel.

Penny's escort took out his wallet and extracted five one-hundred dollar bills, topping them on the table in front of the attendant, who took them and passed the man five stacks of white chips. He turned to her and Penny automatically smiled, not sure what she should do next. "How many chips would you like?" her escort prompted.

"Oh, right, duh!" Penny laughed, then took the $50 from her purse and put it on the table. The dealer stared at it a moment, waiting for her to put out more, then shrugged and moved a small stack of green chips in front of her. "Oh," Penny said. "Can I have the light blue ones?" she asked. The dealer nodded and took back the green chips, replacing them with light blue ones. At the same time her glass of champagne arrived; Penny sipped delicately; the champagne had a dry, pleasant taste. She could get used to this.

Her blue chips were now in front of her. All two of them. "I didn't get many chips, did I?" she said to her escort.

"They are worth $25 apiece," the man told her, smiling. "Don't worry," he added, lowering his voice. "If you lose your chips I will front you some."

"Gosh, thanks," Penny said, keeping the sarcasm out of her voice. Obviously the guy was looking to take advantage of her by getting her drunk and into his debt.

"Place your bets," the dealer said.

Penny picked up her two chips. "I think I'll put one here," she said, placing one chip on the 3 square. "And one here," she added, putting the other chip on the 31 square.

"Wait, wait," the man said.

"What?" Penny looked at him, puzzled. She'd intended to make the ball land on the 31, which would win 35 more blue chips for her. "What's wrong?"

"That's not how to bet on roulette," the man said. "You should start safe and bet on the outside."

"On the outside?" Penny repeated. "What's _that_ mean?"

"It means these spots here," the man said, indicating the row of bets on the table nearest them. There were squares marked "ODD," "EVEN," "RED," "BLACK," "1-18" and "19-36." Above these squares were three rectangles with "1ST 12," "2ND 12," and "3RD 12" in them. "This first row pays even odds," he said, "and these pay 2 to 1," indicating the second row. "These are the inside bets," the man continued, pointing to the individual numbers. "You should play the game a little before you start putting bets here."

"Oh, I see," Penny said, hiding her irritation. _I'll show him how to play this game_! she thought to herself. "Okay, I'll just put my chips here," she said, putting them both in the square marked BLACK.

"Good," the man nodded. "I will place two chips on the red square," he said. "We will see which one of us is correct." He looked at the dealer, who spun the wheel and set the ball to rolling around the edge.

As the ball began circling the wheel Penny made a subtle gesture toward it, casting her spell. The ball would now land in the exact slot she wanted.

"No more bets," the dealer said as the ball bounced around the spinning wheel. Penny and her escort watched as the ball finally settled into the slot for 31, a black number.

"Thirty-one, the winner," the dealer said, setting a marker on the number, pushing two more blue chips to Penny and collecting the gentleman's white chips from the table.

"Very good!" her escort complimented Penny, his face wearing a smile that did not reach his eyes.

"Thanks," Penny said, not paying attention to the predatory look he was giving her. She had just doubled her chips, which meant she now had a hundred bucks. That was still a long way from 10,000 dollars, but if she kept doubling her money each bet it would take only… well, it wouldn't be long until she was there, she decided.

**-=o=-**

Amy and Sheldon walked briskly out of the restaurant, both looking harried. "Sheldon," Amy said, as they came to a halt in the casino area. "They _told_ you, oatmeal is not a valid side dish for steak and lobster."

"Well, it should be," Sheldon grumbled. "It would make a perfect fiber complement to the steak's protein and the omega-3 content of the lobster."

"Be that as it may," Amy continued. "It was very rude of you to suggest they needed to redo their menu right then and there for you."

Sheldon stared at her. "Interesting," he said. "Do you consider it rude when I make suggestions about the meals you prepare for us when we have date-night at your apartment?"

"That's different," Amy said. She paused a moment, trying to decide exactly _how_ it was different. "There are only so many ways to prepare strawberry Quik," she finally said. "And I know exactly how you like your spaghetti and hot dogs."

"True, you do," Sheldon conceded. He sighed with resignation at the situation. "Well, I suppose there's nothing to do but have a slice of pizza at the Pizza Kitchen on the other side of the casino," he said, starting to walk that way.

"Hold on a second," Amy said, stopping him. "Look over there." She pointed toward the high stakes section of the casino, where a statuesque blonde in black was standing at one of the roulette tables, next to a tall, dark-haired man. "Does that look like Penny to you, Sheldon?"

"Nonsense," Sheldon said peremptorily. "Penny didn't come with us. Why would she be here when she could be happily at home instead of having to deal with snotty waiters who refuse to make what you order?"

"But that looks a lot like Penny," Amy insisted, wondering who the man next to her could be. He was too tall to be Leonard. And too handsome, see could see as the man turned to look at the blonde next to him. She glanced at him, and Amy was convinced. "That's her, Sheldon," she said. "I'd not that perfectly-shaped nose anywhere. Penny!" she called out, waving her hand in the air. "Over here!"

At the roulette table, Penny heard her name called and turned toward the sound. She saw Amy waving at her. "Oh, crap," she breathed. "I forgot! This is the hotel they were going to!"

"What is it?" her escort asked, looking where she was looking. Things were not turning out like he'd planned. Instead of losing her money right away, the blonde he'd picked up had been winning on every spin of the wheel. She had something like $6400 in chips now. "Is that someone you know?" he asked.

"Maybe," she said, thinking quickly. She needed a diversion. Amy and Sheldon were coming her way. She grabbed Tall, Dark and Creepy. "How about a quick kiss, for luck?" she said, turning him so his body was between her and Amy, and pressing her lips against his mouth. The man reacted, surprised but eager, and kissed back, trying to push his tongue between her lips. _Pig_, she thought, and dematerialized, leaving the man holding thin air. He looked around, confused, as Amy and Sheldon came up to him.

"Was there a young blonde woman here just a moment ago?" Amy asked him.

"Yes," the man said, still looking around. At the same time, unnoticed by everyone except the dealer, the blue chips on the table slid across the table to a spot near the dealer's elbow. He watched, fascinated, as they stopped next to him.

"Can you cash me out?" The dealer jerked as he realized the blonde was now crouched down behind the table next to him. "And snap it up," she added. "I'm in a hurry." Nodding, the dealer began converting the roulette chips to casino chips.

"Well, where did she go?" Amy was asking the man she'd seen with Penny. "She was just here."

"I thought—" the man looked around again. He'd been _holding_ her, and suddenly she wasn't there! "I don't—"

"Amy, come on," Sheldon said, disparagingly. "It's obvious too much alcohol has addled his wits."

"No!" the man said. "She was _here _… somewhere…"

"Can't I get cash?" Penny whispered, still hiding behind the table.

"Sorry," the dealer said, also in a whisper, though he didn't understand why. "You have to cash out your chips at the cashier's cage."

"Fine," Penny muttered. She reached over the edge of the table and grabbed her chips.

Amy caught the motion and saw the arm withdraw back over the edge of the table. "Penny!" she said. "It's Amy! Come out from behind—" She went around behind the table but there was nobody there but the dealer, who looked at her and shrugged.

Penny, who'd dematerialized as soon as she was out of sight, was walking invisibly across the casino to the cashier's window. She walked up to a window, materialized and dropped the chips in front of her. "Cashing out, please," she said in a hurried tone.

The girl behind the window evidently didn't share Penny's idea of haste. She scooped up the chips, stacking them slowly and carefully, then began counting them. "Hurry, please," Penny said, glancing behind her toward the high stakes area, where she could see Amy and Sheldon turn and start walking her way. She turned back, hunched her shoulders to hide her blonde hair as much as possible, and hoped the girl would hurry the hell up.

"I.D. please," the girl said in a bored tone.

"Oh my God, _why_?" Penny huffed. "It's only a few chips!"

"It's 6400 dollars," the girl said. "We have to report it."

"Fine," Penny snapped. "Here." She pulled her driver's license out of her purse and slapped it on the window counter. The girl took it with a look of _what's-her-problem_ at Penny and stuck it in a scanner.

Across the casino, Amy and Sheldon were walking out of the high stakes area. "I could have sworn I saw her," Amy was saying, mostly to herself. Sheldon was looking carefully at her.

"I think a slice of pepperoni and beef would be nice, don't you?" he asked.

"What?" Amy said, distracted by the _non sequitur_.

"Pizza," Sheldon clarified. He snapped his fingers to bring Amy out of her apparent trance. "Come on, Amy, your mind is a million miles away from the problem at hand."

"Sheldon, I'm sure I saw Penny," Amy insisted. "I'm _sure_ of it…" she repeated, looking away. "_There_ she is!" she suddenly exclaimed, pointing toward the cashier's window where a short-haired blonde woman in a black dress stood, her back to them. "Come on!"

"Oh, what fresh H-E-double toothpicks is this now?" Sheldon muttered as Amy grabbed his hand and dragged him after her.

At the window, the cashier handed Penny her I.D., 64 100-dollar bills, and a receipt identifying the money as gambling winners. "There you are, ma'am," cashier said. "Have a pleasant day."

"Thanks," Penny said, preparing to dematerialize. Just as she'd stuffed her license and the money in her purse, a hand fell on her shoulder.

"Penny, is that you?" Amy's voice said, in a quivering tone.

_Crap crap crap_! She couldn't be caught here! But what could she do? What kind of spell could she cast to get herself out of this? If she dematerialized now she might take Amy with her, and how would she explain _that_?  
>There was one thing she might do—Penny hoped she wouldn't screw up the spell. One of the spells in the Book of Magic was a Switching Spell—she could switch places with another person and herself. Penny immediately snapped her fingers, concentrating on the spell, and switched places with the creep who'd been trying to get her drunk and broke.<p>

"Turn around," Amy demanded, pulling on the person's shoulder, and found herself face-to-face with the man they'd left back at the roulette table. "You?" she exclaimed. "What happened to the blonde?"

"How-how did I get here?" the man muttered. "I was over—" he looked around, realizing he was on the other side of the casino now.

Back at the casino table, the dealer looked up from the table, expecting to see the man who'd been trying to scam the hot blonde who'd won over $6000 in just a few minutes. "No more bets—" he trailed off as the hot blonde was standing there again, and no sign of the guy.

"Hi again," she said, smiling uncomfortably. "Just making sure I had my purse," she explained.

"It's in your hand," the dealer said, pointing to it.

"Oh, right," Penny held it up as if she'd just remembered. "Thanks! Bye." She turned and walked off briskly, seeming to literally vanish and she walked into the crowds of people in the casino.

The dealer shook his head, then pulled a cell phone out of his pocket and dialed a quick number. "I need a break," he told his pit boss. "_Now_."

**-=o=-**

The trip back home to Pasadena was slower than the trip to Vegas had been. For one thing, Penny wasn't going to try to make it back in one pop. She remembered a cafe she, Amy and Bernadette had stopped in on their way back from Vegas the last time they'd gone. It was a little Mexican place on the east side of Barstow, California, about halfway between Vegas and Pasadena. She'd aimed for it, and arrived feeling a bit winded by better than trying to go the whole way.

Since she was there, and had some extra money, she decided to have dinner. She got a table and ordered a vegetarian enchilada and a margarita. Why not? She wasn't driving, so to speak.

The margarita was gone and she was into her second one when the entrée arrived. She thanked the server and was digging into the enchilada when her cell phone rang. She fished it out of her purse. "Hello?"

"Penny?" It was Amy. "Where are you?"

Penny made a face. "I'm at home," she said. "Where else would I be at this time of night?"

"You won't believe this," Amy said excitedly. "But I saw someone here in Vegas who looked just like you!"

"You did, huh?" Penny said, feigning interest. "Wow, lucky girl," she joked, knowing what Amy thought of her looks.

"It was uncanny," Amy went on. "Whoever we saw, she was with some guy in the high stakes room of the casino, playing roulette."

"You don't say," Penny murmured, taking a long drink from her margarita. "Was she winning?"

"I couldn't tell," Amy said. "Sheldon didn't believe me. He's calling Leonard now to check on you."

"Good idea," Penny said, taking a bite of the enchilada. "Except Leonard's probably asleep by—_what did you say_?" She spit out the enchilada as she realized what Amy had said.

"Sheldon's calling Leonard now."

"_Right now_?" "Penny demanded. "Tell Sheldon not to call him! Abort! Abort!"

"Sheldon!" Penny heard Amy call out. "Don't wake Leonard—oh, he already answered? He's going to check on her now?" Amy turned back to her cell. "This is amusing, you should see Leonard any second now… Penny? Penny?"

But Penny was gone from the restaurant, leaving a hundred-dollar bill for the twenty-dollar meal. She appeared, invisible, in her living room.

Leonard was standing in the open doorway, looking around. "Penny?" he called out. "Are you here? Penny?"

Penny popped into her bedroom. Thank god the door was closed! She snapped her fingers, replacing her black dress with a nightgown, slippers taking the place of her heels. She ran her hands through her hair, disheveling it, then opened the door and said sleepily. "Leonard, sweetie, is that you?"

"Hi," Leonard said, coming over to her as she stepped into the room. "I just got a weird call from Sheldon," he told her. "He said Amy thinks she saw you in Vegas, with another man. I told him that was silly." He gave her a wary look. "It _is_ silly, isn't it?"

"Of course it's silly," she said, smoothing her hair down again.

"Good," Leonard said. He looked down. "So," he asked slowly. "What's that in your hand?"

Penny looked down as well. She was still holding the Milly clutch purse in her hands. "Oh, just a little something I saw in a Nordstrom's catalog," she said casually. "Nice, isn't it?"

"Um, yeah," Leonard agreed. "I, ah, have another question." He walked over to the coffee table, where he'd seen his wallet sitting there. He picked it up, showing it to her. "I don't remember leaving this here," he said.

"Well, of course you don't," Penny said, with a forced laugh. "If you remembered you'd still have it with you."

"That's not what I meant," Leonard said, in a no-nonsense tone. "There's something funny going on here. And when I say that, I don't mean ha-ha funny. I mean hocus-pocus funny." He stared at her, his expression telling her he would brook no cute excuses this time.

"Okay, fine," Penny said, in a resigned voice. "I was in Vegas earlier."

"What for?" Leonard asked. "You didn't have to sneak off—I didn't mind if you went."

"I know that, Leonard," she said, walking around and sitting on the sofa. He joined her, waiting to hear her explanation. "It's just—" she closed her eyes, rubbing her forehead as if it was suddenly hurting. "Emily was going, and you weren't, and I really didn't want to go if you weren't going.

"But then I realized how easy it would be to make a little money in the casino using my magic," she went on. "I didn't want to tell you how snowed under I am with credit card debt. I don't want you to be burdened by that once we're married. I thought I could get it paid off…" Penny trailed off, tears starting to form in her eyes. She hadn't meant to break down in front of Leonard, but—

"Hey, it's okay," Leonard murmured. "I already guessed about the credit cards," he said, smiling.

"How?" she asked, curious.

"Well, you _did_ ask me about whether that was something we should talk about before we got married," he reminded her. "It wasn't that hard to figure out."

She smiled wryly. "I guess not," she agreed.

"Plus," he admitted. "I steamed open one of your statements…"

"Leonard!"

"Sorry, sorry," Leonard quickly apologized. "To be honest I needed an idea of where you were, financially."

She nodded, mollified by the apology. "Well, I'm not as bad off as I was this morning," she said excitedly. "Lookit!" she opened her purse and took out her Vegas winnings, showing it to him.

Leonard took the money, fanning it out and goggling at the hundred-dollar bills. "There must be thousands here!" he said, awed.

"Sixty-four hundred!" Penny beamed. "Well, sixty-three—I left a hundred for a meal in a restaurant in Barstow."

"A hundred dollars?" Leonard gulped. "That must've been a hell of a meal!"

"I didn't have time to wait for change," Penny said. "I was trying to get home before you found out I wasn't here."

Leonard managed a laugh. "So you finally paid for a meal," he joked. "Too bad I wasn't there to see _that_."

"You might find out soon than you think," Penny warned him, taking back the $6300 and waving it at him before dropping it in her purse. "Now that I've got some extra spending cash."

"I thought that was to pay off your credit card bills," he reminded her.

"Some of it," Penny muttered. "And maybe a celebratory new pair of shoes for my new job."

"You know you have to pay taxes on that money," Leonard reminded her.

"I remember," Penny said, having already been reminded of that earlier that night. "I'll just win more to pay for the extra taxes."

"Yeah," Leonard hedged. "Well, I wonder if that's a good idea."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, the casinos are going to pay attention whenever they lose large sums of money," Leonard explained. "They're going to study what happened and keep video records of people they see in situations like that."

"They've got _video_ of me?" Penny exclaimed. "I never saw any cameras!"

"They're well-hidden," Leonard said. "Anyway, if they see the same person winning large amounts of money from them, they're going to ask you to leave whenever they see you. They probably won't let you into the hotel at all."

"Well, then I just won't be the same person all the time," Penny said stubbornly. Her hair suddenly changed from her current short cut back to shoulder length. "Easy-peasy," she said, using Leonard's term. "I can even do this." Her blonde hair became flaming red. "Sort of the Scarlett Johansson/Black Widow look."

Leonard's breath caught for a moment. "N-nice," he said, smiling nervously.

Penny grinned at him. "You like?"

"It's—" Leonard swallowed before continuing. "It's an interesting look for you," he said. Unconsciously he wriggled his hips to relieve some pressure he was feeling below the waist.

The motion didn't escape Penny's notice. "Well," she said, sidling up to him and running her hand down his side. "Maybe we can get away sometime, just the two of us, up to Vegas for a cozy weekend together, you and 'Scarlett' here."

"That—that would be very nice," Leonard said, his voice trembling. Penny kissed him on the lips, then again, and they came together for a longer, deeper kiss.

Leonard's phone rang.

He pulled it out of his pocket on the third ring. "Yeah?" he said past Penny's lips.

"Leonard?" Sheldon's voice came over the line, sounding anxious. "You never called back. Was Penny there?"

"She's here…" Leonard said.

"Are you sure?" Sheldon asked. "Amy was quite sure it was her—"

"She's here, Sheldon," Leonard said. "I'll talk to you later."

"But—" Sheldon's voice cut off in mid-protest as Leonard shut off his phone and tossed it on the sofa.

**-=o=-**

Sunday afternoon Leonard and Penny were in his and Sheldon's apartment watching _The Avengers_ when the door opened and Sheldon and Amy entered. "You're back!" Penny exclaimed, smiling as they dropped Sheldon's luggage on the living room floor.

"Yes, we're back," Sheldon said in a condescending tone. "And thank you, Penny, for taking the pressure off Leonard to once again state the obvious."

"Sheldon," Amy warned. "Don't take your bad mood out on Penny and Leonard. It's not their fault you couldn't be 'Engineer for an Hour' this morning."

"You're right, Amy," Sheldon agreed. "I shouldn't blame them. I blame you."

"Me?" Amy said, surprised.

"Yes!" Sheldon continued relentlessly. "If you hadn't booked those tickets for Saturday I wouldn't have been banned that day and could have been Engineer for an Hour on Sunday!"

"Yeah, Amy," Penny said. "Don't be hatin' on engineers."

"So where are Raj and Howard?" Leonard asked.

"Howard and Bernadette took Rajesh and Emily back to their apartment, where his car was," Amy said.

"So," Penny asked casually. "Did any of them see this woman who looked like me?"

"No," Amy said, in a disappointed tone. "They were still having dinner. It was uncanny," she said to Penny. "I could have sworn it was you!"

"Well, like I said before," Penny laughed, "lucky girl!"

"That reminds me," Sheldon looked up suddenly at Leonard. "Did you finish your grant proposal, Leonard?"

"Finished it this morning," Leonard said, proudly. "I'll turn it in tomorrow morning. I think it's some of my best work."

"Yes, well…" Sheldon made a shrugging gesture. "Hope springs eternal in the human breast. Even yours, Leonard."

"Thank you, Sheldon!" Leonard said, annoyed at Sheldon's condescension.

"You're welcome, Leonard," Sheldon answered, as usual blithely unaware.

"Well, I should head for home," Amy said, standing slowly and picking up her coat and purse. "I'm beat." She looked slyly at Sheldon. "Unless, someone was willing to let me sleep here tonight…"

"You can use my bed if you want," Leonard offered. Amy, Sheldon and Penny all turned to look at him in surprise. "I _meant_," Leonard hastily clarified. "Amy could sleep in my bed and I could sleep at Penny's."

"Thank you, Leonard," Amy said. "I _was_ hoping for an offer from Sheldon, however." She smiled at her boyfriend. "I believe our Relationship Agreement does allow for such sleepovers when the situation warrants it," she added.

Sheldon was still for several seconds. "Of course, Amy," he said at last. "You may sleep here tonight if you wish."

"Really?" both Penny and Leonard gasped, stunned by what Sheldon had said.

"Really?" Amy said, excitement in her voice as her loins started to quiver.

"Yes, really," Sheldon agreed. He gestured to the couch. "Knock yourself out." He then turned and walked down the hall to his bedroom.

Amy sighed. "Not exactly what I had in mind," she muttered. "But it's a start."

**-=o=-**


	4. The Boyfriend Regression Test

.

**Episode Four**

**The Boyfriend Regression Test**

_Updated_ 12/6/2014

-=o=-

"I hear congratulations are in order, Leonard," Howard said as they sat down for lunch in the Cal Tech cafeteria.

"Yeah," Leonard agreed, beaming happily. "I got the grant to study primordial gravity waves. It's pretty exciting."

"Not really," Sheldon sniffed, his tone of voice dripping disapproval. "Considering that the finding of the team that discovered the waves are now considered suspect and could be completely wrong."

"We're not completely sure about that yet," Leonard pointed out defensively.

"_You're_ not completely sure," Sheldon said. "I, on the other hand, have no doubt that the team that made the discovery was wrong in its conclusions. Oh, this is an unmitigated disaster for my dark matter research!"

"I wouldn't worry about it, Sheldon," Raj said. "Even if the Bicep2 team is wrong, they can collect new data and try again." He looked at Leonard. "That's what you're planning to do, isn't it?"

"I hope so," Leonard nodded. "I just hope I don't have to do it like the original team did—at the South Pole!"

Howard looked up from his salad. "Well, Leonard, if you do end up going to the South Pole, remember _not_ ask any of us to go with you. _One_ trip to a polar region was enough for me."

"May I remind you, we did _not_ go to the actual North Pole," Sheldon interjected. "We went to the _magnetic_ North Pole—the two locations are not identical."

"Magnetic-shmagnetic," Howard joked. "Wherever it was, I nearly froze my tookus off. No _way_ I'm going someplace like that again!"

"I'm not too keen on the idea, either," Leonard agreed. "But you have to admit, it would be exciting if we could go to the South Pole. Just think, we would be among the few people ever to visit both the top and bottom of the world!"

"Assuming that you aren't betrayed and lied to while you're there," Sheldon added, eyeing the other three men with him.

"Are you _ever_ going to let that go?" Leonard moaned. "We already apologized for doing that." Leonard, Howard and Raj had sabotaged Sheldon's monopole experiment by running a can opener to make it appear like they were receiving positive monopole readings. When they returned to Cal Tech Sheldon claimed he'd made a breakthrough in string theory, only to retract it after learning the truth. He was so humiliated that he briefly quit the university and ran home to Texas.

"I have gotten past it, Leonard, but we Texans have long memories. Especially those of us who have eidetic memories," Sheldon reminded him, tapping his temple significantly.

"Hey, everybody," a new voice caught their attention. It was Leslie Winkle, carrying a food tray with a salad plate on it. "How's it going?" she asked.

"Leslie!" Leonard exclaimed, smiling at her. "What are you doing here at the university?" A few years ago Leslie had taken a job at Lawrence Berkley Labs, in Berkley, California.

Leslie still kept her dark hair curly and wore black-rimmed glasses similar to Leonard's, but she was wearing a business dress, quite unlike her regular attire of jeans, a hoodie and sneakers. "Dr. Gablehauser asked me to come down and talk to him about rejoining the physics department to work on gravity wave and dark matter experiments."

"Really?" Leonard said, surprised. He pointed to an empty chair at their table. "Do you want to sit down?"

Leslie took the chair and looked at Howard. "I heard you got married," she said. "How'd _that_ happen?"

Howard smiled. "I guess I just met the right woman," he told her.

"Huh," Leslie said. "Someone willing to have sex with you who _isn't_ your second cousin?" she surmised.

"No—I mean, _yes_!" Howard looked uncomfortable but Leslie had already returned to her plate, digging into her salad. "But have you heard that Leonard's engaged now?" Howard continued, to divert attention away from himself.

Leslie looked up at him, then glanced at Sheldon. "What, you mean you two finally decided to make it official?"

Sheldon looked puzzled by that comment, but Leonard shook his head. "No, Leslie. I'm engaged to Penny. You remember her?"

"Sure," Leslie nodded. "The blonde who kept dumping you. So how did you manage to swing that deal? You paying off all of her credit cards or something?"

"Very funny," Leonard retorted. "We've been together for a few years now, and we finally decided to tie the knot."

"Well, congratulations," Leslie said. "I hope she and your money will be very happy together." Leonard nodded at the congratulations, then did a double-take as he processed what Leslie added.

"Here's something that will surprise you," Howard was saying to her. He glanced at Sheldon. "Sheldon has a girlfriend."

"Oh, really?" Leslie glanced at Sheldon, who was now gazing back at her with undisguised annoyance. "Did you finally finish the Lisatronic 3000?"

"Nooo," Howard said. "She's a real person named Amy Farrah Fowler. She has a doctorate in neuroscience and she's currently working on a project for the university."

"Well, congratulations Sheldon," Leslie said to him, sounding sincere.

Sheldon appeared taken aback. "Well," he said stiffly. "Thank you, Leslie."

"You're welcome. You'll have to invite me over when your pubes finally come in so we can see what happens between the two of you."

"I—" Sheldon cut himself off as he realized Leslie was mocking him. "Oh, yeah? Well, I won't invite you _now_."

"Aw, too bad," Leslie said, not sounding disappointed. "Now the world will never know." She glanced at her watch. "Oh shoot, it's later than I thought— I've got to get over to Gablehauser's office, he's taking the afternoon to show me the new lab the university is building. That's where I'll be working if I take the job," she added as she got to her feet, picking up her tray. "Gentlemen," she said, nodding at them. "Sheldon," she added, and walked away.

"That will be interesting," Howard commented to Leonard. "Having Leslie back at the university, I mean." He looked around at the other guys, especially Raj. "Now, if things don't work out with Emily—as history suggest they won't—you finally have a shot at her, Raj."

"Don't be silly," Raj said, sounding hurt. "Emily and I are very happy together. "She's invited me over this weekend for a _Nightmare on Elm Street_ marathon."

"Really?" Howard looked skeptical. "When we tried to watch the first movie a few years ago you ran and hid in the bathroom for the entire second half."

"That was the old Raj," Raj insisted. "I'm much more worldly now."

"How many of those movies are there?" Leonard asked.

"Well, there's the first seven," Raj counted them off on his fingers. "Then there's _Freddy vs. Jason_ and then the 2010 reboot."

"Well, that ought to last the two of you all night," Howard quipped.

"Oh, the horror," Sheldon moaned. "The horror…"

"Come on, Sheldon, those movies aren't _that_ bad," Howard told him.

Sheldon looked confused. "I was referring to Leslie Winkle returning to work at the university—I don't know what _you're_ talking about."

-=o=-

At her desk at Zangen Pharmaceuticals, Penny was pouring over her region chart and sales itineraries. She had quite a few office visits to make in the next few days and she wanted to keep the time she spent traveling to a minimum.

Being a rep was harder than she expected. The money was good—much better than the Cheesecake Factory—but she was constantly "on," having to speak to dozens of doctors over the course of a normal week. And the amount of information she had to memorize! It was fortunate that she had become a witch about the same time she'd gotten this job, or she would be overwhelmed with the sheer amount of drug dosages, statistics and side effects she had to keep track of! Dan, her supervisor, had come close to not hiring her, and she could see why now: most reps had a college degree, usually in a biology or biochemistry degree, and were super-driven to achieve. She had gotten this job because Bernadette had browbeat him into interviewing her, and both she and Dan had only done it because they were afraid to tell her no!

Well, things had worked out for the best, for now.

Penny's phone rang. It was Kelly, the office receptionist. "Penny, there's a lady here to see you."

She wasn't expecting Bernadette or Amy. "Who is it?" she asked.

"She says her name is Serena," Kelly said. "She says she just dropping by to say hello to her cousin."

"I don't have any cousins named—" Penny cut herself off. "Oh, uh, better send her in. No, it's okay, I remember now." She put the phone down, wondering what weirdness was going to happen next.

A pretty brunette walked into her apartment, fashionably dressed and accessorized. "Hello, cuz," she said, flashing a beautiful smile. "I'm Serena. I just heard you've become one of the family and I wanted to pop in and welcome you."

"Hi!" Penny said, standing. "It's good to meet you. When I first met Maurice I didn't realize how many relatives I had."

"Oh, my dear," Serena chuckled. "We've barely broken the surface! We have so much to catch up on—how about having lunch together? I know a perfectly divine little French restaurant that you've simply _got_ to try!"

"Um, okay," Penny said, glancing at her desk full of work. "I suppose I can get away for a little bit. Is your car here?"

"Car?" Serena looked amused. "Aren't you forgetting? We don't _need_ cars."

"Of course. Duh!" Penny smacked her forehead. She went over and closed her office door. "But we have to be careful," she cautioned. "Nobody here knows I'm a—you know, a witch."

Serena rolled her eyes. "I don't know why you even bother with a menial job like this, cousin. There's so much more you could be doing!"

"I like it," Penny told her. "I'm still kind of new to the witchy stuff—I've only been one a couple of months now."

"Yes," Serena said. "Endora told me. In that case, perhaps you'll let me do the honors for our trip." With a snap of her fingers they both vanished.

They reappeared near a sidewalk café filled with people walking by. Penny looked around, finding her surroundings unfamiliar. "Where in Pasadena is this?" she asked.

"In Pasadena?" Serena smiled. "Nowhere. This is Paris."

"Paris? Oh my God!" Penny whirled around, taking in the sights. They were in a plaza—there was a tall column nearby, with a winged figure standing on top of it. "What's that?"

"Oh, that old thing?" Serena sniffed. "Just some old monument the mortals put up for one of their wars or something. Pay it no mind." She pointed to the café behind them. "Now here's that little restaurant I was telling you about!"

They sat down at one of the tables as a waiter brought them menus. "Um," Penny muttered, looking at the menu. "I don't speak French."

Serena looked up from her menu with raised eyebrows. "Why not?"

Penny looked puzzled. "What do you mean, 'why not?' I never learned to speak French. Well, except for words like _merde_ and _salope_, that I heard from the French club in high school."

"My dear, you can speak any language you want," Serena told her. "You're a witch, remember? It's simple, really. My goodness, you _are_ new at this, aren't you?" She made a gesture at Penny. "Try it now."

"_Que dois-je dire_?" Penny asked. Then, "Wow, _je parle français_!"

"_Très bon_!" Serena said. "_Je vous ai dit que ce était simple_!"

The waiter came and took their orders. "I guess I am really new at this," Penny said ruefully after he'd gone. "How long have you been a witch, Serena?"

"All my life," Serena smiled. "I suppose that's why I'm so good at it."

"I mean, how many years?"

"Ah-ah!" Serena shook a finger at her. "A witch never reveals her age. When you've been at this as long as I have, cousin, you'll understand why."

"I suppose," Penny said, pondering what Serena had said. The Book of Magic implied that witches and warlocks lived very long lives, over hundreds of years. "Can I ask you something?" she said to Serena.

"Of course you can," Serena answered. "Whether I answer or not is up for grabs, though."

"Okay, well here goes. You know my fiancé Leonard is mortal?"

Serena was nodding. "Endora mentioned you were engaged. Although she said your fiancé's name was Leopold."

"It's Leonard," Penny said. "Anyway, what happens if we get married and are together for 50 years—how am I going to look then?"

Serena studied her a moment. "I suppose it depends on what your hair color preference is at the time."

"I'm serious!" Penny said. "Won't I get old?"

Serena shrugged. "You can look like whatever you want, I suppose. But really, Penny—in 50 years you don't even know if you and Leopold will still _be_ married."

"It's _Leonard_," Penny said again. Their meals came and they each took a bite of their entrée. "And of course we'll be married!" Penny went on. "Marriage is forever. Isn't it?"

"It can seem like forever, from what I've heard," Serena muttered. "But I've never taken the plunge, so I can't say."

"You've never been married?"

"Oh, heavens no!" Serena laughed. "Life's too short. Well, relatively, anyway, and there are too many men out there to tie myself down to one. Men are so fickle, anyway."

"Well, Leonard's not that way," Penny said, matter-of-factly.

"Oh, honey, they all are," Serena said. "_Especially_ mortals."

"Not Leonard," Penny insisted. "He's just incapable of cheating. He's tried, and he sucks at it. He could barely cheat on me when we _weren't_ together."

"If you say so." Serena was becoming bored. She dabbed at her lips with a napkin, then dropped it carelessly on her half-finished plate. "How about some shopping? I hear the new outfits are to die for this season."

"Well, I should be getting back to work…"

"Party pooper," Serena pouted. "We'll only be a few minutes, cousin."

"Well…" Penny shrugged. "I _would_ like to see what they've got going on here in shoes. Okay, why not?" She began to open her purse. "Do you think they take VISA here?"

"My treat, cousin," Serena said, reaching over and closing Penny's purse. "But you're on your own for the shoes you buy." They popped out, leaving a small stack of francs on the table.

Across the plaza, another witch watched as the pair disappeared. _This is an interesting development_, she thought to herself. _So Penny thinks her fiancé won't cheat on her? We'll just see about that_. She vanished as well.

-=o=-

The next morning, Leonard arrived at his lab, sipping on a cup of coffee he'd picked up at Starbucks on his way in, and began setting up the equipment for the day's experiments. The faint odor of ozone began to waft through the room as power supplies warmed up and energy began building up in his lasers. Leonard looked around the room, remembering the times when Penny had come by to see where he worked and they ended up having sex together. A smile came over his lips; those were very happy (and pleasurable!) memories. He opened his log books and began jotting down readings from his equipment.

There was a knock on the door. It was Dr. Gablehauser and Leslie Winkle. "Dr. Hofstadter," Gablehauser said. "I'm sure you remember Dr. Winkle."

"Of course," Leonard said, taking off his goggles and walking over to join them. "Glad to see you again, Dr. Winkle." They shook hands in a formal way as Leonard tried not to remember the other ways he had held her.

"Glad to see you again, Dr. Hofstadter," Leslie said, equally formal.

"The physics department is thinking of bringing Dr. Winkle back to assist in some of the experiments we'll be doing on dark matter and gravitational waves," Dr. Gablehauser said.

"Ah," Leonard said, pretending he'd only just heard this. "It will be good having you here again, Dr. Winkle."

"Thanks," Leslie said. "It will be a good change of pace—you can only make weaponized uranium for so long before it starts to get boring."

"Ah, right," Gablehauser said, not sure whether she was joking or not. "Well, I have a few things to take care of before we meet again, Dr. Winkle. Dr. Hofstadter, I'll leave Dr. Winkle in your capable hands while I'm busy. Dr. Winkle, I'll see you in an hour in my office." They both nodded and Dr. Gablehauser left.

Now alone, Leonard smiled at Leslie, though there was a bit of tension in his features. Leslie must have sensed it, because she said, "I hope things won't be too uncomfortable for you if I come back, Leonard. Given our history together, that is. I mean, you _did_ try to engage me in recreational sex the last time we saw one another, and I shut the door in your face."

"Oh, that," Leonard waved off the idea. "No, it's fine. I understand. I was just—things were just—I don't know…"

"Penny had just used you for casual sex and then dumped you again," Leslie said, dispassionately. "And you were trying the same thing on me."

"Well…" Leonard tried to think of another way to spin that, and failed. "I guess."

"It's no big deal, I understand," Leslie shrugged. "I suppose that little brain between your legs was doing your thinking for you back then."

"Well, I wouldn't put it _quite_ that way…" Leonard equivocated.

"How would you put it, then?" Leslie wanted to know.

"Um, well…" Leonard thought furiously for several seconds. "I suppose like—like you said. But things are different now," he went on. "I'm engaged to Penny and we're going to be married."

"Yeah, I remember, you told me yesterday," Leslie said, smiling. "So when are you two tying the knot?  
>"Soon," Leonard said. "Soon. Probably in—in a year or so, when her brother can attend the wedding."<p>

"You mean when he gets out of prison for selling meth," Leslie surmised.

Leonard frowned. "How do you _know_ all this stuff?" he asked her.

"I read Howard's tweets," Leslie said, taking out her phone. "See, he's got a #_leonardandpenny_ hashtag of everything going on with you two." She showed him the tweets.

"Oh, so he does," Leonard said, forcing a smile as he read some of what Howard had tweeted about him and Penny. "I'll have to talk to him about that," he muttered, with controlled irritation. "So, Leslie," he went on. "Would you like to have a look around the lab?"

"It doesn't look too different from three years ago," Leslie noted, glancing around. "How about something to drink?"

"Oh, sure." Leonard hurried over to a corner of the lab, where a portable coffee maker was set up. There was fresh coffee in the pot; one to the technicians had probably made it when they came in that morning. Leonard found a Styrofoam cup and poured coffee into it.

Unnoticed by either Leonard or Leslie, the top of Leonard's Starbucks coffee cup came off and a bit of liquid was poured in from an invisible source. The top went back on just as Leonard came by, grabbing his cup as he brought Leslie's coffee to her. "Well," Leonard said, trying to be gracious, "here's to you rejoining our department." They tapped cups and drank.

"Mmm," Leslie said, looking in her cup. "That's awful."

"Sorry," Leonard apologized. "Was it too strong?"

"No, about the same as it's always been. How's yours?"

"It's—" Leonard blinked as a strange sensation ran through his body. He looked up at Leslie, seeing the most beautiful woman he had ever beheld in his entire life. All thoughts of Penny fled before Leslie's loveliness. "It's _beautiful_," Leonard finished, dreamily.

"Excuse me?" Leslie said, confused.

"_You're_ beautiful," Leonard said, setting down his cup and taking hold of her. "Leslie, I love you!"

"I—" for once Leslie was at a loss. "Uh, Leonard," she said, trying to wriggle free of his arms. "I know I'm the closest thing to an equal you'll ever find, but I—I don't think we're in the same place here."

"We're together now, aren't we?" Leonard asked, trying to press his lips to hers. She turned her head so he caught her on the cheek.

"I mean," she went on, trying to push him away. "You're a string theory man and I'm into loop quantum gravity. I don't think things will work—out—for us!" She finally managed to disengage from his grasp. "What the hell's got into you?"

"Love," Leonard said. "Love's gotten into me. I finally realize how much I love you, Leslie. I've always loved you!" He started to move toward her again.

She took a step back. "What about Penny?"

"A penny?" Leonard said. "I'd give everything for you, Leslie!"

"I mean your fiancée!" Leslie shouted, starting to freak out. "I always thought Sheldon was a dumbass, but you've gone completely nuts!"

"I am nuts for you, Leslie," Leonard took another step toward her.

Leslie grabbed a small helium-argon laser off a nearby counter, holding it between them. "Another step and I'll drop it! I'm warning you…"

"It doesn't matter." Leonard kept advancing. "I'd destroy every laser in this room if it meant I could have you, my love. Say you'll be mine!"

Desperate, Leslie tossed the laser at Leonard and ran. Leonard automatically caught the laser. "Wait! Where are you going?" he called after her. "We have to plan our life together! How many children do you want?!"

-=o=-

Penny pulled into a medical office building in Altadena, north of Pasadena, hoping to get in one more office visit before lunch. It had been a hectic morning and she was a bit frazzled from trying to get doctors to pay less attention to her body and more attention to the drugs she was selling. That was beginning to feel like a losing proposition today, she admitted to herself. It seemed like they were agreeing to meet with her because she was young, pretty and had a nice rack. Even if she did say so herself.

Just as she started to exit the car her phone rang. "What now?" she wondered, seeing it was Howard calling her. "What can _he_ want? Hello?"

"Penny, this is Howard." He sounded agitated. "We're having a serious problem with Leonard."

"What's wrong?" Penny asked anxiously. "Is he sick?"

"In the head, maybe," Howard said. "He says he's fallen in love with Leslie Winkle."

"What?!"

"Not only that," Howard went on, "but he says they're going to be married, as soon as he can get her to drop the sexual harassment charges against him."

Penny shook her head, utterly flabberghasted. "What the hell? Where are you?"

"We're in Dr. Gablehauser's office."

"I'm close by," Penny said. "I'll be there as quick as I can!" She hung up and put her phone away, then looked around. There was nobody in the parking lot to see her. Snapping her fingers, she vanished.

She appeared a moment later outside Dr. Gablehauser's office door, invisible. His secretary was gone, probably to lunch, so she became visible again and opened the door.

The office was full of people talking at once. Gablehauser was standing behind his desk, trying to calm everyone down. Leonard and Leslie were in front of the desk, surrounded by Sheldon, Howard, Raj and a pretty black woman Penny recognized as Janine Davis, the Human Resources person for the university.

Howard, seeing Penny, went over to her. "That was quick," he said.

"What the hell's going on here, Howard?" she whispered.

"Leslie filed a harassment charge with the university," Howard said. "Leonard's been following Leslie around all morning trying to get her to admit her love for him." He was giving Penny a strange look. "Boy, you must've really broken his heart."

"I didn't do anything!" Penny said. "I don't know what's going on with—" She abruptly stopped, thinking furiously for a moment. "Serena!" she hissed to herself. "How could you?!"

"Who?" Howard asked, not understanding.

"Never mind," Penny said, waving him off, as she tried to focus on what Leonard was saying.

"I don't understand what you're upset about, sweetheart," Leonard was saying to Leslie Winkle. "I thought you came back so we could be together!"

"I wouldn't come back here if you were the last man on Earth!" Leslie shouted.

"Now Dr. Winkle, don't be hasty—" Gablehauser tried to mollify her. "Dr. Hofstadter isn't himself right now!"

"You don't mean that, my love," Leonard said to Leslie.

"Leonard!" Penny said, glaring at him.

"Oh hi, Penny," Leonard said, giving her a wave. "You remember my fiancée Leslie Winkle, don't you?"

"_I'm_ your fiancée!" Penny snapped.

"No," Leonard shook his head. "Leslie and I are getting married later today!"

"Everyone be _quiet_!" Janine Davis said loudly. When everyone stopped talking she looked around the room in disbelief. "Now I don't know what's going on here, but _nobody_ is getting married—not today, not tomorrow, no how, no way!"

"Thank goodness," Sheldon said, relieved. "This is a nightmare for me!"

Everyone stared at Sheldon. "For _you_?!" Penny shrieked. "What about _me_?!"

"Well how do you think I feel?" Sheldon protested. "It was going to be hard enough dealing with Leonard marrying _you_—how am I going to put up with him marrying _Leslie Winkle_!?"

"Alright, listen," Penny said, taking Leonard's arm. "I need to have a talk with Leonard. In private. Come on, Leonard," she ordered, pulling him toward the door.

"Can Leslie come, too?" Leonard asked.

"NO!" Both Penny and Leslie said.

"There's an empty office across the hall," Dr. Gablehauser said. "You can use that. And I need to talk to Dr. Winkle, so the rest of you get out!"

"Including _me_?" Mrs. Davis asked, pointedly.

"Yes!" Gablehauser said without thinking. "Er—I mean, if you please, Mrs. Davis," he added apologetically.

Penny pulled Leonard across the hall into the empty office, slamming the door. Howard and Raj both put their ears to the door as Sheldon watched. "What do you hear?" Raj asked.

"You, breathing in my ear," Howard said. "Move over!"

"What are you two doing?" Mrs. Davis snapped, seeing them pressed against the door. "Get away from there!" Both Raj and Howard quickly stepped away from the door.

"All of you follow me," she ordered. "I want you three to tell me what's been going on before I got involved." She led Sheldon, Howard and Raj off toward her office.

In the office, Leonard was trying to get around Penny. "Just let me go tell Leslie not to leave before I can talk to her," he was saying.

"Just slow down, Casanova," Penny said, holding him back. "Before you go running off after Leslie Winkle, there's something you need to know."

Leonard stopped trying to get around her. "What's that?"

"I think you've got a spell on you."

Leonard looked at her, stunned. "No. That can't be right. Why would there be a—" he realized what he was saying "—why would you put a spell on me?!"

"I didn't do it!" Penny demurred. "I think it was my cousin Serena."

"Who's cousin Serena?" Leonard asked. "Never mind—she's a witch, obviously. But _why_ would she make me fall in love with Leslie Winkle?"

"She was talking about how fickle men are and I said you'd never fall in love with anyone else," Penny explained. "She must've taken me seriously and did—something—to you. I've got to talk to her." She looked around the room. "But we can't do it here, there's too many people around."

"But where—" As Leonard asked, Penny snapped her fingers and they disappeared.

"—at?" Leonard finished, in Penny's apartment. "Never mind," he said, as he realized where they were.

"Serena!" Penny said, looking up at the ceiling. "Come here and fix this mess!"

"I don't know _what_ you're talking about, cousin," Serena's voice filled the apartment. She appeared next to Penny, making Leonard jump.

"I don't think I'm going to get used to that," Leonard muttered to himself.

"What's up, cuz?" Serena asked, smiling jauntily at Penny.

"You know very well what's up!" Penny snapped. She pointed at Leonard. "You fix him this instant!"

Serena looked around her at Leonard. "Oh, dear," she said, shaking her head. "I think he's beyond repair, cousin."

"You know what I mean!" Penny cried. "Take that love spell off him!"

"I never put any love spell on him in the first place," Serena said, crossing her arms stubbornly. "What makes you think I did?"

"We were just talking about it at lunch the other day," Penny said, "at that _Place de la Bastille_ monument thingy."

Leonard looked at her, surprised. "You mean the July Column? You were in _Paris_ today?"

"Um, yeah," Penny said, feeling guilty for some reason. "We, uh, just went to have a bite for lunch," she murmured, pointing to herself and Serena.

"Oh, so you _do_ know Paris, Leopold!" Serena said, happily.

"It's Leonard," he said. "You must be related to Endora."

"Actually, I'm cousins with Penny on Maurice's side," Serena said. "Penny, I had nothing to do with Leonard falling in love with somebody else. We don't even know if it _is_ magic or some mortal malady."

"How can we tell?" Penny asked.

"Time to seek medical help," Serena said. "She put her fingertips to her temples, closed her eyes, and chanted, "Calling Doctor Bombay! Calling Doctor Bombay! Emergency, come right away!"

Doctor Bombay appeared, wearing a doctor's coat, a stethoscope and carrying his leather doctor's bag. "Did someone call for a doctor?" he asked, in his British accent. "I suppose I'll have to do. Ha-ha!"

When no one else laughed, he harrumphed and gave them a stern look. "What seems to be the problem?"

"We've got a sick mortal here, Doc," Serena said, jerking a thumb at Leonard.

Bombay gave Serena an imperious look. "My dear," he said haughtily. "I am _not_ called a witch doctor because I failed to secure a role on a mortal British science-fiction series in the early 1960s." Leonard nodded, understanding.

"What?" Penny said, not understanding at all.

"He's referring to 'Doctor Who,'" Leonard told her.

"I thought he was referring to himself," Penny said.

"We think this mortal may be affected by witchcraft," Serena said to Bombay. "He's engaged to Penny here but wants to marry another mortal."

"Well, let's have a look, shall we?" Bombay said briskly. He reached into his doctor bag and pulled out a tuning fork. Striking it on a nearby counter top, he touched the end to Leonard's forehead. The fork made a discordant _ting_ and its tone died away.

"Ah, yes," Bombay nodded. "A love potion, undoubtedly. He reached into his bag again and took out a tongue depressor. "Open your mouth, stick out your tongue and say 'Aaah'," he told Leonard, who did so. Bombay then held the depressor against Leonard's nose. "Hmmm," he said.

"Not to worry, not to worry," he said to Penny. A prescription pad appeared in his hand, and he scribbled on it a moment and handed it to her. "It's a standard love potion. You can pick up the antidote at Postlethwaite's shop." He dropped the tongue depressor into his bag and it shut with a _click_. "Well, I'm off to play a few holes with my nurse. Ha-ha-ha! Cheerio, pip pip!" The doctor vanished.

"Wait!" Penny cried.

"Not to worry, my dear," Bombay's voice echoed through the apartment. "I'll send you the bill."

"That's not what I wanted to ask!" she said. "Who the hell is Postlethwaite?!"

"Don't worry, cousin," Serena said. "He's our Apothecary. He mixes up all of our potions. I can show you where his shop is. Though you're on your own after that—he's a real frisky customer, if you know what I mean."

"Oh, God," Penny moaned. "That's all I need, another lonely doctor!"

"Maybe I should go with you," Leonard suggested.

"Maybe you shouldn't," Serena disagreed. "She stands a better chance on her own—the old goat will just drag things out if he thinks he hasn't got a chance with Penny."

"He _doesn't_ have a chance!" Penny declared.

"Hmm," Serena smiled. "Best not let him know that, if you want that antidote anytime soon." She took Penny's hand. "Come on, I'll go with you this time." The two of them vanished, leaving Leonard alone.

-=o=-

Penny and Serena appeared in front of a dilapidated little store front, with dusty windows and paint peeling off the stone walls. Looking around, Penny saw they were on an old, cobblestone road, but nothing else seemed to be visible—it was all obscured by fog or mist. Even the sky above them was indistinct, as if they were in perpetual twilight. "Where are we?" Penny asked.

"Well, we're _not_ in Paris, that's for sure," Serena replied, giggling. "Penny, welcome to the Eternal Realm, home of witches and warlocks for uncounted millennia."

"Oh," Penny said, looking around again. "Well, it's certainly a lot more smoggy than Pasadena."

"That's not smog," Serena informed her. "Things are a bit more _ephemeral_ here, shall we say, than back on Earth. If you've been reading your book on magic, it tells you that this is source of all our witchcraft. My cousin Samantha tended to lose her powers often, probably because she didn't spend enough time here after she married that mortal, Derwood."

"I see," Penny said. "Interesting. Do you think I could lose my powers again?"

"I don't know," Serena shrugged. "We can ask the Apothecary, if you like. Though he'll likely want to give you a full examination to find out."

On the wall next to the door was a wooden sign saying,

**Postlethwaite's Potent Potions**

"This must be the place," Penny said, pointing to the sign.

"Yes," Serena agreed, without enthusiasm. "Well, no use putting this off any longer. Let's go in."

An old bell jingled as they entered the shop. It wasn't very big, but it was full of shelves containing bottles filled with liquids and—other things Penny decided she didn't want to know about. Batwings and snakeskins were hanging from the walls. The countertops displayed vials of different potions, with labels indicating they would make one taller, or more beautiful, or younger-looking. There were also love potions.

Penny picked one up. "Could this be where whoever gave the potion to Leonard got it from?" she asked.

"Could be," Serena nodded. "The Apothecary is an old hand at love potions."

"Ah! What have we here?" An older warlock had appeared at a door leading into the back of the shop. He was bespectacled, had gray, curly hair, and was wearing a plaid shirt, suspenders and a bow tie. "A pair of lovely young witches! What can I do for you ladies this fine day?"

"We need an antidote for a love potion," Serena said, businesslike.

"Oh," the old man said, with a leer. "Have the two of you been a bit…curious, perhaps?"

"What? No!" Penny said. She and Serena looked at each other and shook their heads. "Not that there's anything wrong with that, but… _no_."

"Too bad," the old warlock mused, scratching a stubbly chin. "The two of you could definitely get my potions bubbling."

"Someone gave a love potion to my boyfriend," Penny said. "Here." She handed him the prescription. "Dr. Bombay said this was what he needed to take to cure him."

The old man stared at the script. "Eh," he muttered. "I've got some of this in the back. I'll get it for you." He shuffled into the back room and came back a few seconds later with a small bottle of deep blue liquid in his hand. "This should fix him right up," he said. "But first, there's the matter of my fee."

Serena rolled her eyes. "Here we go."

"How much?" Penny asked.

"Well, it's not so much money," the old man said, giving her a leer and a wink, "as it is a trade."

"A trade for what?" Penny asked, already dreading the answer.

"You get the bottle," the Apothecary said, puckering up. "And I get a kiss."

Penny winced. "How about a warm handshake and ten bucks?"

"Nope," the old man shook his head. "I want a kiss! A whole kiss and nothing but a kiss!"

Penny looked to Serena for support, but the brunette just shrugged. "He's your fiancé, cousin," she said. "It's up to you."

"Fine," Penny said, resigned to the inevitable. She leaned forward, and at the last second moved her lips and pecked the old man on the cheek, hoping that would be enough.

It was. "Hee hee!" the Apothecary giggled, touching his cheek where Penny had kissed him. "I still got it!"

"And you can keep it," Penny muttered under her breath, wiping her lips.

The Apothecary handed her the bottle. "Here you go, missy."

"Thanks," Penny said. She turned to leave, but stopped. "One more question," she said. "Did you happen to sell a love potion to anyone recently?"

"Well, I probably did," the Apothecary nodded. "I do have a bevy of young witches coming in who keep me hopping—in more ways than one, hee hee!"

"Wonderful," Penny said distastefully. "Can you remember who you sold it to? Maybe you keep a copy of their names in your records?"

The old warlock shuffled over to a nearby counter. "Well, I ain't too particular about names or paperwork—I figure whoever they are, it's none of my concern who they want to fall in love with—unless it's me, of course. But I did have one of them young whippersnapper fellows put in some new-fangled equipment a few years ago so's I could keep track of who's been in my shop." He pointed to a small television monitor on the counter. "This here security system takes a picture of everyone who's been in my shop." He picked up a remote control and began clicking. Images of witches began flashing on the screen, starting with Penny and Serena themselves.

"Here you are," the Apothecary said. "My, my, how nice looking the two of you are…"

"Flattery, in this case, will get you nowhere," Serena said disdainfully. The old warlock just chuckled and kept clicking the remote. Image after image of witch flicked on the display.

"Don't any warlocks come into your shop?" Penny asked.

"Sure," the Apothecary said. "But who wants to look at pictures of them?" He kept on clicking.

"Whoa! Stop!" Penny said suddenly. She stared at the screen in disbelief. "Holy crap," she said, pointing at image of the witch being displayed. "I know her! What the hell is she doing in here?"

Serena was staring at the screen. "Oh, her," she said, dismissively. "I've seen her around. You say you know her, cousin?"

"Yeah," Penny said, her voice hard. "Did you sell her a love potion?" she asked the Apothecary.

The old man peered at the screen. "Yep," he said. "Pretty little thing, ain't she? She was feisty—put up a fight before she gave me a kiss. Right here." He pointed to the bridge of his nose.

"Okay," Serena said. "We know who gave your fiancé the love potion. What are you going to do now?"

"After I get this antidote to Leonard, she and I are going to have a very serious talk," Penny snarled. She snapped her fingers and vanished.

Serena smiled at the Apothecary. "Well, thanks for everything." She raised her hand to snap her fingers.

"Say," the Apothecary said, before she could vanish. "How's about you and me doing the town tonight? What d'you say, cutie?"

"I say thanks, but I don't date fossils." Serena vanished.

"Just because there's snow on the roof don't mean there's not a fire burning inside!" the old warlock called out, then cackled gleefully at his own joke. "Hee-hee, they can't keep me out of their heads!"

-=o=-

Emily Sweeny had settled in for the evening on her living room sofa, a gothic horror novel in one hand and a cup of chai tea in the other, when there was a knock on her apartment door. She stared at it for a moment, frowning. "What does _she_ want?" she muttered to herself, then went over and opened the door. On the other side stood Penny.

"Hi," she said, not smiling. "I need to talk to you."

"What do you want?" Emily asked.

"I want to talk about the dirty trick you pulled on me and my boyfriend," Penny said, folding her arms and striking a belligerent pose.

"Oh, that," Emily smirked. "Come on in, then," she said, gesturing Penny inside as she stepped back in front of her sofa. Penny pushed the door closed behind her.

"How'd you figure out it was me?" Emily asked, folding her arms as well.

"You were on the security camera at the Apothecary's," Penny replied.

The redheaded witch laughed. "So the old goat finally made it into the twentieth century, huh? A little bit late, if you ask me—"

"Why did you give Leonard a love potion and make him fall in love with Leslie Winkle?!" Penny demanded.

"You seemed so sure he couldn't possibly cheat on you," Emily said, unconcerned. "I thought it would be funny if something like that happened to you. You went and got him the antidote, didn't you?"

"I _shouldn't have had to_!" Penny shouted. "You're not supposed to treat people like that!"

"What's the big deal?" Emily shrugged. "He's only a mortal."

"Only a mortal?!" Penny stared at her in disbelief. "You're dating Raj—he's a mortal, too!"

"I don't know what business it is of yours who I date," Emily said, huffily. "Besides, you're dating one, too!"

"Well, what's wrong with that?" Penny wanted to know. "I've been dating Leonard a couple of years now!"

Emily shook her head. "Come on, don't play the dumb blonde with me. You know socializing with mortals is considered a bit outré among our kind."

"I—" Penny opened her mouth to argue, but stopped. "I haven't been a witch that long," she said instead.

"What?" Emily was startled by this admission. She sat down on the sofa. "But I saw you with Serena. She's no spring chicken."

"She's my cousin," Penny said. She sat down as well, joining Emily on the couch. "On my grandfather Maurice's side. She came to see me when she learned I'd become a witch."

"How can you _become_ a witch?" Emily wondered.

"Latent Magic Syndrome," Penny explained. "Dr. Bombay gave me something that cured it. I've been a witch for about two months now."

"Just _two months_?" Emily repeated, wide-eyed. "Wow, you're practically a newborn! Sorry, I had no idea."

"Don't worry about it," Penny waved off the apology. Then she remembered what they'd been discussing. "But I've still got to ask this—what are your intentions toward Raj?"

Emily looked a little uncomfortable. "He's a nice guy—for a mortal, that is, and he puts up with my quirks." She held up the gothic novel she'd been reading. "These trashy things, and horror films. I think they're kinda cute."

"But what about Raj?" Penny wanted to know. "He's really sensitive. When his last girlfriend left him it broke his heart. If you dump him, I don't know what he'll do."

"I guess," Emily said slowly. "I don't know, really. I like Raj, and he's sort of forbidden fruit, being mortal and all. I can't promise anything Penny, but that's sort of how relationships go, isn't it?"

"I guess so," Penny agreed. She stood. "Look, I'm sorry for barging in on you," she said. "I just needed to find out what you were up to."

Emily stood as well. "I'm sorry for playing that prank on you and Leonard. From now on I'll stay clear of him. Deal?"

"Deal," Penny said. She held out her hand, and she and Emily shook. "Thanks for talking," Penny said, going to the door. Emily walked with her.

"See you sometime," Emily said, smiling. Penny nodded, smiling as well, and left the apartment, shutting the door behind her.

Emily stood staring at the door a moment. On the other side of the door, Penny paused before she left. _I still hate that bitch_, both thought. Penny popped away and Emily sat down with her novel once again.

-=o=-

_Later, in Penny's apartment:  
><em>"Now I'm not sure _what_ to think," Penny was saying to Leonard. "Emily seemed to realize what she was doing was wrong, but I don't know if her attitude toward mortals—I mean people—has changed."

Leonard was listening intently. He no longer felt a deep longing for Leslie Winkle, but the memories of doing so were still in his head. They felt…weird. "Maybe she'll remember, the next time she thinks of pulling something like that."

"I hope so," Penny sighed. "_Especially_ for Raj's sake."

"It's just so strange that Emily turned out to be a witch as well," Leonard said.

"I know!" Penny agreed. "I still don't like her, but I feel like I ought to, you know—I mean, we're part of the same group and all that. It's weird."

Leonard looked conflicted. "Do you think we should tell Raj that Emily is a—you know—a witch?" he asked.

"I don't even know if we _can _tell him," Penny said. "What if he completely forgets about her like Amy did with me when I told her _I_ was a witch?"

"Well," Leonard pointed out. "I didn't forget about Emily when you told _me_ she was one. Maybe you can tell someone that somebody _else_ is a witch, you just can't tell them that _you're_ one."

"Maybe," Penny said, thinking about the idea. "But then how do I explain how I know? I sure can't say Emily told me. I mean, _nobody_ will believe she and I are friends!"

"Probably not," Leonard agreed. "Hmm."

"Anyway," Penny went on, "there are still other problems we have to deal with."

"You mean the age thing?" Leonard asked.

Penny nodded. "According to my magic book, witches and warlocks live a long time. A _long_ time—hundreds, if not thousands of years. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself if I live to be a thousand years old."

Leonard smiled gently and put his hand on her shoulder. "I don't see that as being a problem," he told her. "We have a long time to figure out how to deal with it. Maybe if, as Sheldon says, the Singularity will occur in 50 or 60 years, we could all become immortal."

"Yeah, but Sheldon just wants to become a robot," Penny said.

"What's wrong with that?"

"Nobody will notice the difference, he's practically one now," Penny said. "And I don't want _you_ becoming a robot."

"No?" Leonard's expression turned teasing. "Well, you know, I might be able to come up with some _special_ accessories to use on you at night."

Penny shook her head. "The accessories you have right now are good enough for me, sweetie. Just make sure you don't lose them."

"Aww, thank you," Leonard said, giving her a quick kiss. He then kissed her again, more deeply. She returned the kiss, and they embraced. In a few moments Leonard asked, "Do you feel like heading to the bedroom?"

"What's wrong with right here on the sofa?"

"Here? On the _sofa_? N-Nothing. Nothing at all."

_Knock, knock, knock_. "Penny and Leonard?"

Leonard and Penny both sighed in exasperation.

_Knock, knock, knock_. "Penny and Leonard?"

"What is it, Sheldon?!" Leonard said loudly. "We're kind of busy here!"

There was several seconds of silence.

_Knock, knock, knock_. "Penny and Leonard… Sorry to bother you, but I have a question."

"What is it, Sheldon?" Leonard asked again, tightly.

"I've been going over in my mind the drama that occurred in Dr. Gablehauser's office this afternoon, and I've been trying to work out the housing and sleeping arrangements that would be required if you began a relationship with both Penny and Leslie Winkle at the same time."

Leonard went into a facepalm as Penny tried and failed to control the smile that spread across her face. "Sheldon, why do you think I'd try to have a relationship with both Penny and Leslie?"

"Well who knows what kind of weird, testosterone-fueled ideas are swimming about in your brain, given that you might have intercourse with two different women at the same time."

"Oh my God," Leonard muttered. "That's not going to happen!" he said loudly. "This morning was just a weird obsession I had to deal with. I'm not going to have a relationship with Leslie, whether she comes back to the university or not!"

"I see… would you like to speak to your mother about it?"

"…I would _not_."

"I'm sure she wouldn't mind—"

"I'm _fine_, Sheldon! I don't need to talk about it with my mother, and it's never going to happen."

"Oh," Sheldon said. Silence for a moment. "Well, good. I really couldn't come up with a suitable sleeping arrangement for any of us, given that I still think Leslie Winkle is a pretentious hack of the highest degree and that loop quantum gravity is as loopy as eating Spaghettios on a roller coaster."

"Glad I could put your mind at ease, Sheldon," Leonard said. "Anything else?"

"No," Sheldon said. "Wait—yes. What are you two doing for dinner tonight?"

"Isn't tonight Date Night for you and Amy?" Penny asked.

"It is," Sheldon said through the door. "But we had to postpone—she's working late tonight to finish some research."

"I _am_ a little hungry," Penny whispered.

"See?" Sheldon piped up. "Penny wants to go!"

"Damn his Vulcan hearing!" Penny muttered.

-=o=-

**A/N: In case you're curious, here's the English translation for the French Penny and Serena used in the story:**

"What should I say?" Penny asked. Then, "Wow, I'm speaking French!"

"Very good!" Serena said. "I told you it was simple!"


	5. The Weight-Loss Acceleration

.

**Episode Five**

**The Weight-Loss Acceleration**

_Updated_ 12/19/2014

**-=o=-**

_Dedicated with respect and affection to Carol Ann Susi_

**-=o=-**

"Have you been thinking what we should do for Thanksgiving this year?" Bernadette asked Penny and Amy as they sat sipping wine in Penny's living room.

Penny shrugged. "I suppose we could do what we did last year—get everyone together and have a big argument."

"That's not quite how it happened," Bernadette disagreed. "You got into an argument with Leonard because you were married to Zack and didn't even know it. We were just interested bystanders."

"That was quite interesting," Amy agreed. "Given that you and he were both unaware that you were married, even though you went to a wedding chapel in Las Vegas and presumably signed a marriage certificate." She looked a little forlorn. "If only there was a way to get Sheldon into a wedding chapel in Vegas."

Bernadette looked at her. "You wouldn't really try to trick him like that, would you?"

Amy thought about it for a bit. "Probably not," she admitted. "Though it is not that difficult to get Sheldon drunk." She went silent, looking rather thoughtful.

"I was thinking about having a get-together at Howard's mother's house, but he's still upset because Stuart's staying there even though his mom has recovered from her accident with the treadmill," Bernadette went on.

"Oh yeah," Penny said. "Whatever happened with that treadmill?"

"Howard set it up for when she got better, but she refuses to go near it now," Bernadette said. "I think Stuart uses it, though—he says he's got to exercise more to keep his weight down, now that he's eating her home cooking."

"Well, I for one would enjoy another Thanksgiving dinner at Mrs. Wolowitz's house," Amy said. "My mother's Thanksgiving dinners are more often than not inquisitions about my marital status."

"Can't you tell her you have a boyfriend now?" Bernadette asked.

"I have," Amy replied. "But she believes that Sheldon is either (a), imaginary, like Armand the miniature horse breeder; or (b) far away and unavailable, like Faisal, who funded some of my research a few years ago; or (c) like Gerald…"

"Who's Gerald?" Penny asked, taking another sip of wine.

"My Sonicare electric toothbrush," Amy explained. Both Penny and Bernadette's faces reddened. "I thought I had mentioned him before today."

"You had," Penny nodded. "I'm just more of an Oral-B girl myself."

"So, what do you think?" Bernadette persisted. "Do we want to have Thanksgiving at Howard's mom's again this year?"

"Why not?" Penny said, raising her glass of wine. "Let's do it!"

"That's acceptable," Amy agreed.

"Great," Bernadette smiled. "We need to figure out what everyone should bring."

"My mother has a stuffing recipe that's absolutely wonderful," Amy said. "I'll see if I can talk her into making some extra for me to bring along."

"I'll talk to Howard about making the turkey, potatoes and gravy," Bernadette said.

"I'll bring the wine," Penny said, raising her glass again.

"I'm sure his mom will appreciate it," Bernadette said. "She's feeling a bit down this year since her accident. Her doctor wants her to lose weight but she hasn't been able to get very much exercise. Or any, really."

"That's too bad," Penny said. "How much does she have to lose?"

"Well…" Bernadette looked reluctant to say. "Howard jokes that she has to lose about one-and-a-half 'me's' to get back to her goal weight."

"Wow," Amy said, looking surprised. "_That_ much?"

Bernadette frowned. "It's not _that_ much," she huffed. "Or are you saying that I weigh too much?!"

"No, not at all," Amy said, shrinking back a little from Bernadette.

"That's better," Bernadette snarled.

Penny and Amy both sipped at their wine, avoiding Bernadette's gaze. "Yeah, this should be a _wonderful_ Thanksgiving," Penny muttered under her breath.

Penny's cell phone rang and she answered it. "Hello? Oh hi, Raj. What's up? Really? Okay, sounds good." She hung up.

"What did Raj want?" Bernadette asked.

"He volunteered to cook Thanksgiving dinner this year," Penny said, smiling. "So, problem solved."

"Great," Bernadette said. Then her eyes narrowed suspiciously. "He didn't say anything about a theme, did he?"

"Well, no," Penny said. She hadn't thought of that. "But it's only a week before Thanksgiving—he doesn't have time to plan a theme, does he?"

"Maybe not," Bernadette muttered. "But if we get there and there's a theme, it's on _your head_."

"Your beautiful, gold-tressed head," Amy added, smiling. Bernadette and Penny both stared at her. "What, am I wrong?" Amy asked.

**-=o=-**

Sheldon Cooper entered his apartment, finding his roommate Leonard Hofstadter still staring pensively at his computer, as he had been when Sheldon left nearly an hour earlier. "Hello," he said. "Still working?"

"Yeah," Leonard muttered, not glancing away from the monitor. "How did it go at the new comic book store?" Since Stuart's comic-book stored burned down, they had been forced to go to Capital Comics, a rival store that carried even more comics and collectibles than Stuart's store did.

"I don't think I can get used to that place," Sheldon complained, setting his bag of comics on his desk. "It's always filled with people. People, people, people! It's like a comic-book convention every day there! Stuart's store was always nice and quiet—people weren't constantly eating, or talking, or sitting around reading comics. Although," he added, "the daily costume competitions at the new place are fairly lively. Today there was a tie between Captain America and Wonder Woman, though the guy in the Hulk suit certainly gave them a run for their money." Sheldon struck a body-builder pose. "Hulk only won third place. Hulk sad."

"Uh-huh," Leonard said, barely listening, still staring at his computer display.

"What are you doing?" Sheldon asked, walking over to Leonard's desk.

Leonard sighed. "I've been going over the primordial gravity wave measurement data made by the Bicep2 team."

"And?"

Leonard sat back. "There's no way around it. Their conclusions were incorrect. They were reading dust emissions thinking they were B-mode polarization of the cosmic microwave background."

"I see," Sheldon said. "Perhaps, then, now is the time for me to make an important statement regarding these findings."

Leonard looked up at him, frowning. "And that is?"

"I told you so."

Leonard groaned. "Thanks, Sheldon," he said, exasperated. "Things are bad enough already. Since I had that unfortunate incident with Leslie Winkle a few weeks ago—"

"You mean that incident where you professed your undying love for her, forsaking your fiancée Penny for a woman whose total contribution to science includes three papers filled with untestable predictions of loop quantum gravity, and a charge of sexual harassment against you?"

Leonard was silent for several seconds. "Yes," he said at last. "_That_ incident. Since then I've been on sort of 'double-secret probation' with Dr. Gablehauser. He thinks I deliberately drove Leslie away by pretending to fall in love with her."

Sheldon gave him a funny look. "I thought that's what you _were_ doing!"

"Well, it wasn't," Leonard insisted.

"Then what _were_ you doing?" Sheldon asked.

"I don't know." Leonard couldn't very well say a witch slipped him a love potion. "It's—it's hard to explain."

"Are you saying you went into some type of fugue state wherein you believed that you and Leslie Winkle were engaged to be married, and then you somehow came out of it when you were confronted by Penny?" Sheldon asked.

"That must be it," Leonard agreed. Sheldon would accept just about any premise if he believed he was the one who thought of it.

"Nailed it," Sheldon murmured, smiling triumphantly.

"Gablehauser was also expecting me to confirm the Bicep2 team's conclusions," Leonard added. "Now, however, between my findings and the analysis from the Planck collaboration team, we've managed to shut down any hope of having a gravitation wave lab here. And he's going to blame me for it, and for losing Leslie."

"That hardly seems to be _your_ fault," Sheldon said. "You could not have foreseen the initial team's mistakes."

Leonard managed a smile. "Thanks, Sheldon, for saying that."

"Of course," Sheldon nodded. "I like to give you compliments whenever I can. As I always say, even a broken clock is right once in a while."

"Right." Leonard was no longer smiling. "You can stop complimenting me now. It's starting to get on my nerves."

Sheldon looked indignant. "Oh, well then! Try to prop someone up and they turn on you like a dog on a merry-go-round. That's a fine how-do-you-do!"

Leonard shook his head, exasperated and a bit confounded by Sheldon's strange comparisons. At that moment his phone rang. He pulled it out and answered. "Hi, Howard. What's up? Oh, no! Again? Yeah, we'll be right there. See you soon." He hung up, looking at Sheldon. "Howard's mother had to go to the hospital, her gout is acting up again. It's really bad this time. I'm going to get Penny and we're going over to see how she's doing."

Leonard walked to the door then turned back to Sheldon, who hadn't moved. "Are you coming?"

"I—" Sheldon looked around as if thinking of bolting back into his room. "I was thinking I could stay here, in case Dr. Gablehauser calls asking you to turn in your resignation." Sheldon gave Leonard a sidelong glance. "You wouldn't want to miss that, would you?"

"He's not going to ask me to quit," Leonard snapped, exasperated with Sheldon's germ and hospital phobias. Between the gravity data and Sheldon, it had been one long exasperating morning. "Sheldon, just come with us. I'll tell you what," he suggested. "If you come we'll stop and I'll get you a Jamba Juice."

Sheldon regarded him warily. "Can I get a Strawberries Wild smoothie?"

"Anything you want," Leonard agreed.

Sheldon weighed his options—Jamba Juice against hospital germs. "Shotgun," he said, heading for the door.

**-=o=-**

At the hospital, Bernadette and Howard were in the waiting area when Leonard, Penny and Sheldon walked in. "How is she?" Penny asked as soon as she saw them.

"Better," Howard said. "They gave her some medication for the pain, and they're going to keep her overnight for observation. But her weight is still a concern—the doctor told me she's going to have get serious about losing weight. He even mentioned gastric bypass surgery or a lap band as an option."

"What's that?" Penny asked.

"It's where they go in and staple off part of your stomach, so you can't eat as much," Howard said. "I'm not sure it would help Ma though—she stores enough food in her cheeks to last a month," he added, jokingly.

"I'm sure we'll figure out something, Howie," Bernadette said, rubbing his arm soothingly.

"Can we go in and see her?" Penny asked.

"Sure," Howard nodded. "Bernadette and I were going to the cafeteria to get something to eat. We were in the middle of fixing dinner when Stuart called to say Ma was going to the hospital. You know," he told them. "I'm still not happy about Stuart still living with Ma, but in this case it was good he was there. He called EMS and made her come here to get looked at."

"Where's Stuart now?" Leonard asked.

"In the room, with 'Deb-Deb,'" Howard said, in a petulant tone.

"Howard," Bernadette warned him. "You said you weren't going to get upset."

"Right, right." Howard held up his hands in surrender. "Let's go get something to eat." He and Bernadette left.

Leonard and Penny walked into the corridor leading to Mrs. Wolowitz's room. "Coming, Sheldon?"

Sheldon was looking around the waiting area like a bubble boy whose protective environment had just sprung a leak. "I'm good here, I think," he said, holding his hands as if he was afraid of touching anything, or anything touching him. "If anyone needs me I'll be over at the hand disinfectant station. Although I don't know why, they let just _anyone_ use those things."

"We'll be back soon," Leonard said, and he and Penny walked down to room 2140, which Howard had texted him earlier. They walked in to see Stuart standing over Mrs. Wolowitz's bed, watching her.

"Oh, hi," Stuart said, his voice quiet. He put a finger to his lips. "She just dropped off," he said. "Sorry."

"It's okay," Penny said quietly. "Is she doing all right?"

"Better than I am," Stuart said. "I'm a wreck after all this! In a way this feels like my fault."

"Why would you say that?" Leonard asked, sounding doubtful.

"I'm afraid I've been enabling all of her eating lately," Stuart said. "She makes such fantastic meals, and it's hard to say no to her when she wants to make my favorite foods." He looked at Mrs. Wolowitz with affection. "She and I really get along."

"That's nice," Leonard said, smiling.

"Yeah, unless you're Howard," Stuart added. "He still thinks I ought to move out. _And_ pay Debbie back the money she gave me to rebuild the shop."

Leonard and Penny glanced at one another, neither wanting to weigh in on that issue. "I'm sure things will work out, Stuart," Leonard said at last.

"I hope so," Stuart nodded. His phone rang at that moment and he took it out and looked at it. "Huh," he said. "Jeanie's calling me," he said. He glanced at Mrs. Wolowitz, then at Leonard and Penny. "I better take this outside," he said, walking quickly out of the room.

That left Leonard and Penny alone with Mrs. Wolowitz. "Wow. Surgery," Penny said. "That seems pretty drastic."

"It's usually a final option for losing weight," Leonard said. "It can be pretty hard on your body—you can never eat a normal meal after bypass surgery."

"Ugh," Penny said, shocked. "That's sounds awful. I wish there was some way she could avoid that." Then she gave Leonard a sly look. "Well, there _is_ something I might be able to do."

"Like what?" Leonard asked, then realized what she meant. "Uh—oh, I don't know," he said doubtfully. "Do you think that's a good idea?"

"She's got to lose weight, Leonard," Penny pointed out. "There might be a way I could help with that."

Leonard looked at Mrs. Wolowitz. She was a big woman, it was true. "What—what do you think you could do for her, exactly?"

"I'm not sure," Penny said, thoughtfully. "I don't know any spells that would help her lose weight, offhand… I could just turn off her appetite. But that would probably look weird."

"True," Leonard agreed. Mrs. Wolowitz was well-known for her voracious appetite. "Maybe you should just—you know, leave it alone."

"Leonard," Penny said, exasperation creeping into her voice. "One of the reasons I decided to become a witch was to help people. It's true I haven't done much of that," she went on, before Leonard could point it out. "But the fact remains that I do want to help." She suddenly held out her hand. "Come on."

Leonard took her hand. "Where are we going?"

"I know a little old shopkeeper who might be able to help us," she said. They disappeared.

A moment later the door opened and Stuart walked back in. "How's she doing—?" He paused, looking around for Penny and Leonard. "Guys?" he said tentatively. He stared at Mrs. Wolowitz for a long moment, wondering—

He snorted. "No, that's ridiculous. She couldn't have eaten them in her sleep, what am I thinking? I'm getting as bad as Howard."

**-=o=-**

Penny and Leonard appeared on an old cobblestone lane next to a shabby store front of gray stone and an old wooden door with peeling paint. "Here we are," Penny said, pointing to the shop.

Next to the door was a wooden sign saying "Postlethwait's Potent Potions." "A potions shop?" Leonard said, disbelievingly.

"This is where Emily got the love potion," Penny said. "I had to come here and get the antidote. The shopkeeper is an old guy, but he's a little bit—frisky, I suppose is a good enough word."

"I see," Leonard said. Penny had given him the antidote without any explanation of where it had come from. Maybe now he'd see why. "Should we go in?" he asked her. She nodded, and Leonard opened the door for her.

The inside of the shop smelled—funny. Leonard could see why: there were shelves and shelves of bottles filled with bubbling liquids and other items best left unsaid. There were batwings hanging from the walls, and in one corner a large cauldron was bubbling ominously. How a cauldron could bubble _ominously_ was not entirely clear to Leonard, but that's how it struck him.

"Well, well, back so soon, cutie?" Postlethwaite the Apothecary said as he came out of the back room, seeing Penny. He spied Leonard and his expression turned sour. "Who's this?" he asked.

"This is my fiancé, Leonard," Penny said. Leonard nodded at the old warlock, who ignored him. "I came in ask a question about a weight-loss potion."

The Apothecary gave Penny a good looking over. "I don't think you need to lose any weight at all, cutie. Looks to me like you've got everything you need in just the right places."

"She's asking for someone else," Leonard interjected.

"It's for a friend," Penny amplified. "Who needs to lose a lot of weight."

"Oh?" the old warlock rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "How much?"

"A _lot_," Penny said.

"Been overindulging some, eh? That can happen." The Apothecary went over to a shelf and looked over several bottles of greenish liquids. "Think I've got something here that'll do the trick." He took one off the shelf.

"This'll do the trick," he said to them. "Have them take it with their next meal." He held up the bottle but didn't offer it to Penny, who was dreading what was coming next. "Now, there's the matter of my fee…"

Penny sighed. "What do you want?"

"What I _want_—" Postlethwaite glanced at Leonard. "—is not important. What I'll _accept_ is a kiss."

"Whaaaat?" Leonard said. "You can't be serious!"

"Oh, I'm serious."

"Oh, he's serious." Both Penny and the Apothecary spoke at the same time. "Okay," she nodded. "Close your eyes and pucker up."

"Whaaaat?" Leonard said again.

"Okay!" the old warlock closed his eyes and leaned forward, pursing his lips expectantly. Penny leaned forward as well, but at the last moment she moved her lips up and kissed the him on the bridge of his nose.

The Apothecary opened his eyes. "Not quite the place I had in mind," he said, plaintively. "But a deal's a deal." He handed over the bottle.

"Thanks," Penny said briskly. "Let's go, Leonard." The two of them moved quickly out the door.

"Hurry back anytime," the Apothecary called out. "Next month we got a Yuletide special—two potions for the price of one!"

Outside the shop, Penny was about to snap her fingers to return to the hospital when Leonard asked, "What _is_ this place, exactly?"

"Uh," Penny hesitated. "I don't know, really. Cousin Serena said it was the place where witches and warlocks lived. She called it the Eternal Realm—something like that."

"Huh," Leonard said. "So I suppose we could see Thor walking down the street any minute now," he added, grinning.

"Whaaaat?" Penny said, in a tone mocking his earlier use of the word.

Leonard gave her a slightly condescending look. "The Eternal Realm is what Asgard is called. That's the world Thor lives on. You remember when we went to see that movie?"

"The only other person I've seen here is _that_ guy," Penny said, jerking a thumb at the shop behind them. "And I'm pretty sure he's no Norse god."

"It's really hard to see much of anything here," Leonard said, looking around. "It's so…_foggy_ here. And the air tastes—well, kind of weird. Like I'm breathing through my asthma inhaler."

"Doesn't feel any different to me," Penny said, shrugging. "Are you ready to go?"

"Hold on a second," Leonard said, his curiosity aroused. "If this place is where witches and warlocks live, then where is everybody? All I can see is this street—" he pointed at the cobblestone lane they were standing on "—and the store we just came out of. But I don't see anything else. What would we find if we walked down this road for a while?"

"Leonard, _I don't know_," Penny said, beginning to regret bringing him with her. "This shop is the only place I've been, and I haven't really wanted to be here much, either! You saw what that old guy was like!"

"Yeah, I saw." Leonard folded his arms. "You didn't protest too much when he wanted that kiss."

"But I didn't give him what he _really_ wanted, did I?" Penny pointed out.

"No. But then I wasn't here last time, was I?"

"Oh my God," Penny snapped. "Nothing happened last time, either! I gave him a kiss on the cheek—that was all!"

Leonard held up his hands in mock surrender. "If you say so."

"I say so! Now let's get out of here!" She made a whipping motion with one hand and they vanished, reappearing a moment later in Mrs. Wolowitz's hospital room. Bernadette and Howard were standing next to the bed.

"Uh—" Leonard froze for a moment, wondering how he and Penny were going to explain their sudden appearance. "Hi, guys, uh, we were—"

"Relax, genius," Penny told him. "They can't see or hear us."

"You can do that?" Leonard asked, surprised.

"Yeah. Makes it easier appearing in places where mortals are."

Penny pointed to a tray with a cup of jello and a glass of water sitting on a hospital stand near the foot of the bed. "They must've brought her something to eat," she said to Leonard. "I can put the potion in that."

"Do you think you can get it in there without them noticing?" Leonard asked.

"Piece of cake," Penny said. "Which, I'm sure the old gal would eat even faster than jello, if they let her have any." She moved to the foot of the bed.

Howard and Bernadette were looking at his mother, watching to see if she was waking up. Taking the opportunity, Penny pointed at the jello cup and made an opening motion. The top of the cup peeled open and she uncorked the potion bottle and poured it in, then made a stirring motion to mix it in. She finished with a sealing motion that closed the cup top again.

"Ma?" Howard was saying. "The nurse brought you some food to eat, if you're hungry." He looked at Bernadette. "Like that's not gonna happen."

"Howard…" Bernadette, used to Howard's humor, just shook her head.

Mrs. Wolowitz's eyes fluttered. "Did someone say food?" she asked, in her raspy voice. She looked at Howard and Bernadette. "Where's Stuart?" she asked.

"Where's Stuart?" Howard repeated, sounding miffed. "_We're_ here, Ma. Your only son and his wife, the ones who took care of you when you were injured—"

"And the ones who couldn't be bothered to stay with me because they had their own lives to get back to," she retorted. "I know what you're doing! You're trying to keep Stewie away from me, aren't you?!"

"Stuart's out in the hallway, on the phone," Bernadette said.

"Who's he talking to?" Mrs. Wolowitz asked. "Is it that Jeanie again?"

"I don't know," Bernadette said, although she had a pretty good idea.

"If he wants to go to her, I'm not going to stop him," Mrs. Wolowitz said, in a long-suffering tone. "I'm not going to stand in the way of his happiness, even if she's almost 35 and still not married."

"Ma, you're getting all worked up," Howard said, secretly glad his mother was upset with Stuart. He handed her the jello cup. "Here, have something to eat, it'll calm your nerves."

"I'm not nervous," his mother protested. "I'm just saying, Stewie's a grown man, he can make his own decisions. I'm not going to tell him who he can—" in one quick _sluurp_ the jello cup was empty "—and can't go out with."

Penny made a thumb's-up gesture to Leonard. The package had been delivered. She took his hand and, still invisible, they vanished from the room.

**-=o=-**

_A week later, Thanksgiving morning:_

Raj's apartment was bustling with activity as he prepared for Thanksgiving. The turkey was in the oven, the potatoes were ready for peeling, and the dressing was in the refrigerator, ready for re-heating just before they were ready to eat.

Raj sipped at a glass of Reisling, smiling to himself at the surprise theme he'd put together for Thanksgiving this year. It was a stroke of brilliance, if he did say so himself. _Everyone_ loved Tom Hanks! From _Philadelphia_ to _Big_ to _Sleepless in Seattle_, every movie was gold. Then there was _Forrest Gump_, _The Green Mile_, and who could forget the _Toy Story_ trilogy? Even _Saving Private Ryan_, though that was a little bloody for Raj's taste. Everyone was going to be blown away when they saw all the ways he'd incorporated parts of Tom Hanks movies into their meal.

His apartment was going to be full this year. Emily would be here, of course; she had taken the day off from her normally-busy dermatology clinic. _What kind of doctor's office made people work on Thanksgiving anyway_, he wondered. Leonard and Penny were coming, as was Amy, who had promised that Sheldon would be here as well. Finally, Howard and Bernadette were coming, and they were bringing his mother along. Stuart had begged off this year, saying he'd made other plans. Well, it was his loss that he was going to miss Raj's "Tom Hanks-giving." With eight more people eating here today, he'd found and rented a larger table and chairs, temporarily replacing his smaller dining room table.

There was a knock on the door and Raj went over to answer it. It was Leonard and Penny. Penny was holding a bottle of sauvignon blanc. "Hi, come on in," Raj said, ushering them into his apartment.

"Looks like we're the first ones here," Leonard said, to make conversation as he took of his and Penny's coats, hanging them on a coatrack Raj had also rented for the day.

Penny smiled at him. "Nothing gets by you, sweetie."

Leonard smiled tolerantly at her. "You were the one in a hurry to get here."

"I was in a hurry to pick up the wine before they ran out of sauvignon blanc," Penny said, hefting the bottle. "Ready to open up this bad boy?" she said to Raj.

"I have some glasses here," Raj said, picking them up from the cabinet and putting them on the counter. He took the bottle from Penny and began unwrapping the cork. "Where's Sheldon and Amy?"

"They're coming," Leonard said, a little uncomfortably. "There may be a little discussion going on."

Raj twisted the cork out of the bottle. Penny held out her glass but Raj pulled it back. "Let it breath a minute," he suggested. "Discussion about what?" he asked Leonard.

"Oh, Sheldon is sure you're going to have another one of those silly theme dinners," Penny said, wiggling her glass.

"Oh. Really." Raj said, in a subdued tone.

"You know how he is," Leonard said by way of explanation. "We told him you probably didn't have time to come up with anything, but he's adamant."

"Hmm," Raj murmured. "What a silly goose!" he said, laughing as if the idea of the themed dinner was _ridiculous_. As he turned back to the kitchen his expression turned brooding.

There was another knock on the door. It was Emily this time, dressed in a deep blue, low-cut blouse and black slacks. Over that she wore a blue Canada Goose parka, which Emily slipped out of after giving Raj a quick kiss.

"Nice coat," Leonard said, not realizing that a Canada Goose parka could fetch as much as $1500 retail.

"I like it," Emily said, taking a glass of Reisling offered by Raj, who was hovering nearby now that she was here. She looked at Penny. "What did you wear?"

"Oh," Penny said, put on the spot. "Just my regular coat. No big deal."

"Mmm," Emily said. She looked at Raj. "When do we eat?"

Penny turned her head so only Leonard could see her face. _I still hate her, _she mouthed at him. Leonard shook his head slightly and shrugged, not wanting to get into Penny's issues with Emily.

Howard and Bernadette showed up next, followed right behind by Sheldon and Amy. "Where's your mother, Howard?" Raj asked as he hung up their coats.

"She called and said she wanted to drive over herself," Howard said. "She said she had a surprise for us."

"Oh no, she's not brining over a tur-briska-fil, is she?" Raj moaned.

"No," Howard said flatly. "I'm just hoping she's not going to announce her engagement to Stuart."

"Howard," Bernadette shook her head warningly.

"Isn't Stuart still going out with that Jeanie girl?"

"You mean Howard's second cousin that he lost his virginity to?" Raj said, with a wicked grin. Howard grimaced and covered his face with his hands.

"Raj!" Bernadette turned on him. "You're not helping!"

"Sorry, Bernadette," Raj said. "But it's still hilarious!"

"Just go cook the damn turkey," she growled, and Raj beat a hasty retreat to his kitchen.

There was an awkward silence.

That was apparently what Sheldon was waiting for. "Now then," he said, stepping to the center of the apartment. "Who'd like to hear some classic Sheldon Cooper factoids about Thanksgiving?"

"Not now, Sheldon," Leonard groaned.

Sheldon looked puzzled. "What, do you still want to continue the topic of Howard's quasi-incestuous sex life?"

"What've you got, Sheldon?" Howard spoke up quickly.

Sheldon beamed, happy to be the center of attention again. "Alright, here goes. What food _didn't_ the Pilgrims eat at the first Thanksgiving?"

No one spoke. Sheldon took this for ignorance. "You'll never guess," he said. "Huh? Huh?" he goaded them. "Give up yet?"

"Oh, I don't know, Sheldon," Howard finally said, to shut him up. "Turkey?"

Sheldon looked startled. "Well," he said, his condescending smile turning to chagrin. "Kudos to Howard for that lucky guess. Good job, Howard. I guess that goes to show, even someone without a Ph.D can come up with the right answer every so often."  
>"It wasn't that hard, Sheldon," Howard pointed out. "I figured the question had to have an ironic answer or you wouldn't have asked it."<p>

"Ironic? How is that ironic?" Sheldon wanted to know.

"Never mind," Howard muttered. There was another knock at the door just then. "I hope that's Ma," he said, hurrying over to answer it.

He opened the door to find his mother standing outside, nearly invisible in the huge fur coat she was sporting, wearing sunglasses and a muffler that covered most of her face. "You're finally here," he said, a little testily. "What kept you?"

"I had to make sure I was warm," she said, in her vaguely accented voice. "What, you want I should catch my death of cold?"

"Ma, you could be locked in a freezer for a month before you froze to death," Howard said, as she came inside.

"Shows what you know, Mr. Smarty-Pants," Mrs. Wolowitz said. "Watch this." She took off the fur coat, revealing—another coat beneath it. She handed the coat to Howard.

"You wore two coats?" Howard asked. "It's not _that_ cold outside."

"Just wait," his mother said. "I'm not finished."

She began removing coat after coat, dropping them on the floor behind her. By now everyone in the room was staring at her, wondering how many coats she'd managed to get on her rather obese body. But as the coats kept coming off and she kept getting thinner and thinner, Leonard and Penny glanced uneasily at one another. What had that weight-loss potion done?

When the final coat came off, Howard's mother whipped off the muffler and took off her sunglasses, revealing a svelte figure in a low-cut dress and a face Howard remembered from when he was 10, before his father left them. She had lost easily over 100 pounds and now had curves in all the right places, like she did when he was a boy. Funny, he had never noticed them on her back then. "M-Ma," he stuttered. "What _happened_ to you?"

"I don't know," she gushed, "but isn't it _wonderful_?! I'm _thin_ again!" She rubbed her slender hands together. "Now, what's to eat?"

**-=o=-**

"That's _impossible_," Bernadette said, staring at Mrs. Wolowitz's new figure. "_Nobody_ can lose that much weight in a week!"

"I don't know what yer _talkin'_ about," Mrs. Wolowitz said. Her voice hadn't changed that much, though she sounded younger, somehow, now that she was thin. "Just lookit me!"

"What did you do?" Howard demanded. "Did you get liposuction? Was it cousin Albert? I know he's been aching to suck the fat out of you!"

"I told ya I didn't do _anything_!" his mother cried. "I been losin' 20 pounds a day for the last week!"

"Sudden weight loss is not unknown in the medical world," Sheldon spoke up. "Potential causes can be Addison's disease, celiac disease, cancer—"

"Ooo, don't say cancer!" Mrs. Wolowitz protested. "I'm too young and beautiful now to die of cancer!" Her accent made the word sound like "cansah."

Penny and Leonard had retreated to a corner near the door. "Something must have gone wrong with that weight-loss potion," she whispered to Leonard.

"You _think_?" Leonard muttered, sarcastically.

"Well don't get mad at _me_," Penny hissed. "I'm not the one who made it!"

"But you're the one who gave it to her!" Leonard pointed out. "We've gotta go talk to that old potion-maker!"

"Yeah," Penny agreed. "Come on. Hey," she said, raising her voice. "Leonard and are going to get something from the car."

Nobody paid any attention to them. Penny shrugged at Leonard, then they slipped out the door to Raj's apartment. Once outside, they vanished.

They appeared outside the Apothecary's shop and rushed inside. The old warlock was hunched over a cauldron, stirring as he added ingredients. "Back so soon?" he grinned as he saw Penny again. "Can't get enough of me, can you, cutie?"

"Yeah," Penny muttered. "No, that's not it. We had some problems with that potion you gave us."

The Apothecary shook his head. "Sometimes it takes a while before the potion kicks in," he said. "Give it a few more days, I'm sure the weight will come off eventually."

"That's the problem!" Penny said. "I gave it to my friend's mother and now she's lost over 100 pounds in just a week!"

"Whoa," the old warlock muttered. "That's a lot of weight for a witch to drop in a week, you know."

"But she's not a witch," Leonard said.

"Not a witch?" The Apothecary looked stunned. "You didn't give it a _mortal_, did you?!"

"Well, yeah…" Penny said, warily. "Was that wrong?"

"Of _course_ it's wrong!" the Apothecary exploded. "That potion was never meant for mortals to take! Mortals shouldn't be exposed to things from our Realm! It does strange things to them! Just _being_ in the Realm can cause strange and unpredictable things to happen to them!"

"Oh, really?" Leonard said, looking at Penny. "Like what?"

"What part of 'unpredictable' wasn't clear to you?" the Apothecary snapped. "Wait—" he looked at Leonard carefully for the first time since meeting him. "Are _you_ mortal?"

"Yeah…" Leonard said.

"You shouldn't be here!" the old warlock cried excitedly. "There's no telling what might happen if you stay here much longer!"

"But what about Mrs. Wolowitz?" Penny asked. "When is she going to stop losing weight?"

"She's not!" the Apothecary said, wringing his hands. "Oh, this is awful! Six hundred year without a job-related accident, and now—pfffft!"

"But what does that _mean_?" Leonard asked, anxiously, "that she won't stop losing weight?"

"It means," the Apothecary moaned, "she's going to get thinner and thinner every day until she's nothing but skin and bones. Literally. And then even they will disappear, and nothing will be left."

"Well, _that's_ not good!" Penny said. "How can we stop it?"

"_We_ can do nothing!" the Apothecary said. "_I _have to come up with an antidote, and soon! How much does she weigh now?"

Leonard shrugged, looking at Penny, who said, "Maybe 140 or so."

"That gives me two, maybe three days to find something," the Apothecary said, thinking furiously. "Okay, okay, here's what you do: Keep feeding her as much food as possible. That will hold off the final weight loss, the one where she reduces into nothing. I'll contact you as soon as I have something to try on her."

"Okay," Penny nodded. She and Leonard disappeared.

"And the next time you come here," the Apothecary called after her. "Don't bring Romeo with you!"

**-=o=-**

Leonard and Penny snuck back into Raj's apartment, where Mrs. Wolowitz was still showing off her new figure. "Just wait 'til Stewie sees me like this," she was saying, coyly. "He won't know what to think!"

"_Nobody_ knows what to think," Bernadette muttered.

Emily, who had watched silently for several minutes, turned to her. "I thought Howard's mother was heavier than that."

"She was," Bernadette said. "I think she qualified for her own ZIP code."

"And she lost it all in a week?" Emily asked.

"Yeah. Boy, if there was a way to bottle that, my company would be rolling in dough!"

"No doubt," Emily said. She turned and looked at Penny. When she caught Penny's eye, she gestured for them to go into Raj's bedroom. Unnoticed, they slipped away into the next room. The door closed of its own accord.

"What?" Penny said, brusquely. What did this witch want now?

"You gave her a reducing potion, didn't you?" Emily deduced. "Didn't the Apothecary tell you not to give that to mortals?"

"He thought I was going to give it to another witch!" Penny cried. "I just got back from there—he said he was going to try to make an antidote."

"I hope he can," Emily told her. "The Witches Council isn't going to like it if a mortal dies due to our negligence."

"Negligence? Whoa, wait a minute!" Penny snapped. "It was an _accident_! I was trying to help her lose weight!"

"Your heart was in the right place, I guess," Emily agreed. "But there are simpler ways to accomplish that, especially for mortals. The problem is that you just don't have enough experience yet to use those spells."

"I know," Penny said, dispiritedly, sitting down on the bed. "There are so many things in that book to learn!" She looked up at Emily. "You know, it's funny, but when I was at the Cheesecake Factory the hardest thing I did there was learning the menu. It was about a dozen pages long, it took me over a month before I could remember all of the items on it. But now I can read a spell once and remember it without any problem," Penny finished.

Emily smiled. "One of the perks of being a witch," she said. "We're smarter than mortals, so remembering things comes easier to us." Going back to the problem at hand, she asked, "Did the Apothecary tell you to do anything while he made the antidote?"

"He said to make her keep eating," Penny replied. "That might slow down the weight loss and give him more time."

The bedroom door opened and Raj looked in. "What are you two doing?" he asked.

"Oh," Penny said, smiling. "Just girl talk."

"Just girl talk," Emily echoed, smiling as well.

"I hope you're not in here comparing notes on me in the sack," Raj said, though his demeanor suggested that was exactly what he was hoping.

Penny and Emily glanced at one another. "No, no, nothing like that," Penny said, quickly.

"Well," Raj went on. "We're almost ready to eat out here, if you want to join us." He disappeared back into the kitchen.

Penny stood and the two women walked to the door. "He's never going to let that go, is he?" Emily muttered.

"Apparently not," Penny agreed.

**-=o=-**

"Oh my goodness," Mrs. Wolowitz said an hour later. "I'm so stuffed I don't think I could eat another bite?"

"Anyone want the last slice of pumpkin pie?" Raj asked, holding up the pie plate. A moment later it was snatched from his hand.

"You talked me into it," Mrs. Wolowitz said, taking a big bite with her fork.

The dining room table looked reminiscent of the aftermath of a meal held at a bulimics' convention. Bits and scraps of food lay strewn across it, from turkey bones picked clean to empty bowls that had held mounds of potatoes, stuffing, corn and peas, cranberries and now-dry gray boats. The vegetable tray held a few carrot sticks and stalks of celery, the roll basket was empty, and the only thing left in the three pie plates were crumbs.

At the center of this sat Mrs. Debbie Wolowitz, formerly an Overeaters Anonymous poster girl, now daintily wiping her lips as the last slice of pumpkin pie vanished down her throat. "That was pretty good, Rajesh," she complimented him. "I didn't know you could cook so well!"

"Thank you, Mrs. Wolowitz," Raj said, rubbing his belly. "I'm glad you enjoyed it.

At the other end of the table, Penny leaned close to Leonard and whispered, "No problem getting her to eat."

"I guess her appetite wasn't affected by that potion," Leonard whispered back.

Mrs. Wolowitz abruptly stood. "Well, I better get goin'," she said, getting her coats from the coatrack. "I gotta stop by the store and pick up some groceries for dinner tonight."

Raj stood. "Well, thank you for coming by," he said, a little surprised she was leaving so soon.

"Ma," Howard was standing now, too. "Don't you think you ought to go get a check-up?"

"What for? I feel fine!"

"Okay," Howard admitted. "But if you lose any more weight we're going to have to file a missing person report."

"Oh, quit worrying," his mother dismissed the idea. "I've never felt better in my life!" She slipped on her coat, then felt around in the pockets. "Now where's that _verkackt_ cell phone Stewie got for me?" She pulled it out and pushed a button. "Stewie? Are you coming home tonight for dinner? Mama's making your favorites for Thanksgiving! All right, see you then!"

"'Mama?'" Howard echoed, looking crushed. "I thought _I _was your little matzo ball?"

"You _are_ my little matzo ball," his mother said. "And I'll always love you. But now you have a wife and you're making a life with her. I just want to have a life, too. Is that so much to ask for?"

"I suppose not," Howard agreed. His mother held out her arms, and she and Howard hugged.

"That's so sweet," Bernadette said, happy to see her husband and his mother getting along. "I wish this moment could last forever."

"Well, gotta go," Howard's mother said, abruptly releasing him. She waved to everybody as she walked out the apartment door.

Howard watched her go, then rubbed the sides of his head as if he were in pain. Perhaps he was. "Okay," he muttered. "I don't know what she's thinking but I'm going to have to do something about this."

"But what _can_ you do?" Bernadette asked. "You're mother's right."

Howard stopped rubbing his temples and stared at her in disbelief. "Whose side are you on?"

"I'm on your side," Bernadette said, as if that should be obvious. "But Howie, your mother's an adult. She knows what she's doing."

"I'm beginning to wonder," Howard muttered. "She's been acting weird ever since I moved out of the house. She was seeing that dentist for a while, and now she's got Stuart living there, eating her food, spending her money…"

"Howie…" Bernadette tried to calm him down. "You're getting yourself all worked up. Maybe we should go home and you can take a nap."

"I could use one, I guess," Howard agreed. He turned to Raj. "Thanks for the food, buddy," he said, then went to get their coats.

"We'd better go, too," Leonard said. Penny wanted to go home and look through her Book of Magic to see if there was anything she could do to stop Mrs. Wolowitz's weight loss.

"All right," Sheldon agreed, quickly standing. "Raj," he said. "I'd like to say I had a wonderful time and enjoyed all the food you cooked, but since Mrs. Wolowitz ate most of it all I can say is, nice napkin arrangements." He waited for Raj to thank him, but when Raj just stared, Sheldon turned away to get his coat.

"I'd better go, too," Emily told Raj. "I need to drop by the office and get ready for tomorrow. Black Friday is also known as Red Friday in the dermatology game. We see _lots_ of rashes." She gave him a quick kiss, then gathered her coat and walked out with the others, leaving Raj alone.

Raj stared at the door for a long time before muttering, "They didn't even take their boxes of Forrest Gump chocolates with them. Happy Tom Hanks-giving everyone, my ass."

**-=o=-**

_The next morning:_

Leonard stuck his head in the door of Penny's apartment, finding her reading her magic book on the couch. "Any word?" he asked.

Penny shut the book. "Nothing," she said. "And I can't find anything in here that would stop that potion from making her lose weight. We're just going to have to wait for the Apothecary to get back to us. Oh, I feel so bad about this!"

Leonard sat down beside her. "It's not your fault—"

"Of _course_ it's my fault!" Penny said. "I shouldn't have given her that potion in the first place, at least not without making sure it was okay for her to take! At least Emily was supportive," she mused distractedly. "Which is weird considering how much we hate each other."

"Hey, _I'm_ being supportive!" Leonard objected. "And I certainly don't hate you!"

"Yeah, yeah," Penny said, as if that was expected behavior. "I just didn't realize how things from the witches' realm could affect mortals."

Leonard was giving her a look. "Um, speaking of that," he said, tentatively.

Penny turned to him. "What is it? Is something wrong with you, too? Oh no, Leonard! I'm sorry! I didn't realize you weren't supposed to be there!"

"Well, it's not actually a problem, per se," Leonard said. He reached in his pocket and pulled out an asthma inhaler. "I think my asthma's gone," he said.

"What?"

"I haven't used my inhaler in over a week," Leonard said. "Not since the first time we went to the Apothecary's shop!" He was smiling broadly.

Penny broke into a grin as well. "That's wonderful!" she said, hugging him. Then she pulled back, giving him an inquisitive look. "Do you really think something there cured your asthma?" she asked.

"I don't know what else it could be," Leonard said excitedly. "I think all of my allergies are gone, too! I haven't sniffled _once_ in the past week!" He got a sly look on his face. "I'd ask you to bring Sheldon there but I don't suppose there's much chance that place will cure crazy."

"We might have to leave him there a while," Penny laughed.

Leonard's phone beeped. A moment later so did Penny's. Taking out his phone, Leonard read the text he'd just received. "Oh, no," he muttered. "It's from Bernadette. Apparently Howard and Stuart are having a full-blown argument at his mother's house."

Penny held up her phone. "I got the same text," she said. "This is awful! I never should have given her that potion!"

"I wouldn't worry about that now," Leonard said. "I wish there was something we could do to keep them from arguing."

"Can't do anything about that, either," Penny shrugged. Then she got an idea. "We _could_ go listen in."

Leonard shook his head. "I don't want to get in the middle of that, do you?"

"Who says they have to see us?" Penny asked, smiling deviously.

"You mean, go spy on them?" Leonard asked, surprised. "Is that what you're suggesting? Because I'm good with that if you are."

"Great!" Penny said gleefully. She snapped her fingers and they disappeared.

They appeared a moment later in Mrs. Wolowitz's living room, invisible and intangible. Mrs. Wolowitz, Stuart, Howard and Bernadette were there, with battle lines drawn.

Yesterday, Mrs. Wolowitz had been round yet curvaceous. Today she looked positively gaunt. Apparently even two large meals couldn't keep the pounds from falling off her.

"She looks worse today," Leonard whispered.

"She does, poor thing," Penny agreed, compassionately. "Now shush, Leonard, I want to hear what they're saying!"

Howard and Stuart were in each other's faces, shouting. "How do we know _you_ didn't have something to do with my mother losing all that weight!" Howard was yelling.

"What could I have done to make your mother lose weight?!" Stuart yelled back. "She does all the cooking!"

"Stewie does make a mean _blintz_," Mrs. Wolowitz interjected.

"What makes you think I had anything to do with it?" Stuart demanded.

"You were living here when it happened!" Howard said.

"That doesn't mean _anything_!" Stuart shouted. "Besides—" he suddenly cut himself off.

"Besides, what?" Howard wanted to know. "What were you going to say?"

Stuart sighed. "I—haven't been—staying here, lately," he stammered. "After Debbie goes to sleep I—leave."

"What?" Bernadette looked surprised. "Where do you go, Stewie?"

Stuart looked toward Mrs. Wolowitz, who nodded. "Go ahead. Tell them, Stewie," she said.

"I've—been staying—with Jeanie…" Stuart murmured, looking away.

"What?!" Howard and Bernadette both exclaimed.

"Ooo, this is getting good!" Penny whispered to Leonard.

"So _now_ you're cheating on my mother?!" Howard accused.

"No—I've, I've—your mother and I have never had a relationship," Stuart said. "Not beyond me taking care of her when she was hurt."

"But you've been staying here for _months_," Bernadette said.

"We get along," Mrs. Wolowitz said. "He makes me laugh. What's wrong with him keeping me company?"

"Nothing," Howard said. "But—I thought—"

"Well, you thought _wrong_, sucka," Stuart snapped, his anger finally flaring up.

"So…you're not…" Howard began.

"No, we're not," his mother said. Howard sagged, relieved. "What?" she went on, "is that what you think, that your mother's a _whore_?"

"No, I—"

"Yeah," Stuart chimed in. "What kind of son are you?" Then he looked at Mrs. Wolowitz. "Of course, technically, us sleeping together wouldn't make you a whore, especially since you're giving _me_ money."

"Right," Howard said, deadpan. "That would make _you_ a gigolo."

"Now let's not split hairs—" Stuart objected.

"Everybody just calm down!" Bernadette interrupted, her voice taking on the same quality Mrs. Wolowitz's used to have. "No more hair-splitting!"

"Wow," Penny said. "It's like watching _Days of our Lives_ or _General Hospital_."

Leonard looked at her. "You watch those things?" he asked, a little surprised.

"Well," Penny shrugged, defensively. "I had to do something besides yoga all day before I got my job at Zangen."

The Apothecary suddenly appeared behind them, startling Leonard. "Still not used to that," he muttered.

"I've got it, I've got it!" the Apothecary crowed excitedly to Penny. "It took five weeks of hard work, but I finally got it!" He held up a bottle of swirling green liquid. He glanced at Leonard. "Oh, you're here, too, eh?"

"Five weeks?" Leonard repeated. "It's only been a day since we told you."

"Don't be silly," the old warlock scoffed. "For something this important, I made sure the potion would work then traveled back in time to give it to you. Otherwise the Witches Council probably would have pulled my license. Here."

Penny took the bottle from him. "She has to drink it, doesn't she?"

"No, it's a suppository," the Apothecary said. Both Penny and Leonard grimaced in distaste. "Don't be silly, of course she has to drink it!"

"Whew, thank God," Penny said, relieved. "So—so how do I give it to her?"

"Use your imagination, cutie," the Apothecary smiled, then disappeared.

Penny looked at Leonard, shrugged, then held out her hand. A cup of hot chocolate appeared, and she poured the bottle in.

Howard and Mrs. Wolowitz had both sat down on the couch; Stuart had gone into the kitchen to get Debbie something to drink and Bernadette was sitting on the staircase landing, texting.

"Ma," Howard was saying, "I'm sorry I said those things to Stuart, but you've got to understand—I've been worried about you."

"You don't need to worry about me, _bubbeleh_," his mother said, fondly. "I'm doing all right by myself these days."

Penny put the cup of chocolate on the table in front of Mrs. Wolowitz, then gestured at it to make it visible.

"All right, Ma," Howard said. "I won't worry about you—but please, don't call me 'bubbeleh' anymore."

"Why not?" his mother said, surprised. "I thought you loved it when I called you that."

"I did until I found out what it means—it means 'little grandmother.'"

"Oh, it means more than that," she said, rubbing his leg affectionately. "You know it's a term of endearment." She noticed the cup of chocolate, picked it up and took a sip. "Mmm, that's pretty good," she said. "Thanks, Stewie!" she called out.

Howard was smiling. "I know it is," he said, looking at her. "I guess it's okay."

"You're welcome," Stuart said, coming into the room holding a cup of hot chocolate. He stopped when he saw the cup in Debbie's hand. "Did I—already bring you that?" he asked, confused.

"You must have," she said, taking another sip. "It's delicious!"

"Oh, thanks," Stuart smiled. He looked at the cup in his hand. "This must be mine, then."

Howard looked around at him. "Where's my cup?" he asked.

Stuart jerked a thumb behind him. "It's your house," he said in a matter-of-fact tone. "You know where the kitchen is."

"Don't start with me!" Howard snapped.

"Howard!" both Bernadette and Mrs. Wolowitz warned, in the same tone of voice.

Penny looked at Leonard. "Time for us to go," she said, taking hold of his arm.

"Don't you want to watch them fight?" Leonard asked.

"It's getting old," Penny said. "Besides, I've got you and Sheldon for that, too." They disappeared.

**-=o=-**

_A few days later, in Sheldon and Leonard's apartment:_

Penny opened the door to find Leonard sitting at his computer desk. "How are you feeling today?" she asked.

"Pretty good, thanks," Leonard looked up at her and smiled. "Did you check on Mrs. Wolowitz today?"

Penny nodded. "She's still there," she said. "That—" she made a drinking motion, "must have worked."

"Good," Leonard said, relieved. "I hope from now on you'll be careful before you start throwing around your witchcraft."

"Sure," Penny said. "As long as you'll be careful before you start talking about 'Star Trek' or 'Lord of the Rings.'" Leonard smiled sardonically at her.

She looked around. "Where's Sheldon?"

"In his room," Leonard said, looking that way. "He's trying to figure out what Amy is going to buy him for Christmas so he can buy it first and ruin Christmas for her."

"What?" Penny frowned. "That's awful. Why would he do—never mind, I forgot who we were talking about for a minute."

Leonard turned around to face her. "Let me ask you a question," he said. "It's about—that _other_ place." He lowered his voice a little. "As far as I can tell, my asthma and allergies have cleared up, and that funny feeling I had in my sinuses after my septum surgery has gone away as well. You've told me that witches and warlocks don't get sick; I wonder if it's that other place that's keeping them healthy."

"Could be," Penny agreed. "That book Maurice gave me says it's a place that's connected to our world but is separate from it, and they've been living there for thousands of years."

"I wonder if that's why they live so long," Leonard speculated. "It would be interesting to set up some experiments—"

"Hold on a second," Penny stopping him, waving her hands dismissively. "I'm not taking you back there. You heard what the old guy said about—mortals—being there. That place has weird and unpredictable effects on mortals."

"What place?" Sheldon, who was suddenly standing in the hallway, asked them. "What were you talking about?"

"Uh—" Leonard and Penny, both caught flat footed, didn't know what to say.

"Well, don't you know what you were talking about?" Sheldon asked. "Has too much intercourse muddled your thoughts?"

"It's-it's-it's not that, Sheldon," Leonard finally said. "We were just—discussing an idea for a television show."

"Yeah," Penny said, catching on.

"A television show?" Sheldon looked mildly interested. "What's it about?"

"It's about a beautiful blond woman with magical powers," Penny said, posing artistically, as if she would be that woman. "She lives in the suburbs with her new husband who finds out she's a witch and warns her she has to use her powers responsibly, for good."

Sheldon thought about that for several seconds. "Phew," he said, holding his nose and making a thumbs-down gesture. "It'll never work," he said.

"Why not?" Penny demanded.

"It's completely unbelievable," Sheldon declared. "They might as well make a TV show about two physicists living in an apartment together, across the hall from a waitress who's trying to become an actress. At least _that's_ believable, because it's true!"


End file.
